Dom Violence Why am i so terrified to leave?

[ILoveLife]

Tell who? If its the abuser you don't owe him any explanation.
To your dad? I would tell him right now.
You have parents who care, that's wonderful.

Look, I'm not going to sugarcoat this.. You're in a dangerous situation. I really think you need help out there. I would come get you myself but I assume I'm over the other side of the pond :)

 

[Teasel]

Im glad you're posting about this, welcome :-)

I agree with others he sounds really dangerous.

I think the best way to leave si without saying anything

This sounds like the one. But with a safety plan thought out and created first.

Is he ever out of the house so you could leave without him knowing?
Best X

 

[LuckiLee]

You need to send that little boy to his mother's. He should not have to be involved in something like this. He could end up like your man. Violent. You're an adult whose choosing to stay. This boy doesn't have a choice in the matter. Get him somewhere safe. I don't mean to sound harsh but please get him out of there.

Come up with a plan. Reach out to a DV shelter. They have many resources to help you get out safely.

Take care and be safe.

 

[littleoc]

He could end up like your man. Violent.

Violent with depression, confusion, anger, ABC be made susceptible to violence as well

@LuckiLee is right, he shouldn't be around that, at all

 

[LuckiLee]

Or with PTSD.

 

[SameBoat]

You need to send that little boy to his mother's. He should not have to be involved in something like this. He could end up like your man. Violent. You're an adult whose choosing to stay. This boy doesn't have a choice in the matter. Get him somewhere safe. I don't mean to sound harsh but please get him out of there.

I have thought about this too, he had the option to move to his mom's when his little brother did.. he has always been adamant that he wants to live with us because his mom slightly favors his brother (But overall is a good mom who provided for them well when they lived with her) and they basically don't have much of a relationship. Not sure how much of that is the dynamic between him(kid) and his mom or him feeling guilty for leaving his dad or not wanting to be the one to say he is leaving...it was really tough on his brother when he decided to leave his dad didn't take it well and made him feel really bad about it. They are good again now that the move has been made and things have blown over.. I can't believe a 12 year old is stronger than me in that way. Actually I can, they are both fantastic boys and I want them to grow up with all the love and opportunity in the world.

I agree with others he sounds really dangerous.

I see this too. I think that maybe I am desensitized to it and feel like "i can handle him" but the reality is that when he is in one of those episodes there is not a thing i can say or do that doesn't make it worse and them I'm like dammit why didnt I get out when I was safe... why did i wait for this to happen again and now i'm worried about my life.
thank all for the input.

Also, he does leave sometimes and I already have all my stuff packed up and in the mudroom from the last time I left minus a few daily things around the house. the sad part is that I started ajob that I love a few months ago so I hate to leave it but I expect to explain to my boss the circumstances and everyone else can think what they want I don't really care. I'm not from this town and will probably never return once i get out *fingers crossed knock on wood & anything else lucky*

 

[LuckiLee]

He's the child. You're the adult. He's not developed enough to make those decisions.

Get him somewhere safe then you can make your exit more easily. You won't have to worry about him.

XO

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you should tell your family. They will help you. They will support you in getting out. We can only give you written support. They can give you physical in person support, which is what you need.

 

[LuckiLee]

I keep thinking about the boy. Does his mother know what kind of environment he's living in? I'd get her involved, maybe. She can probably help you. I wouldn't want to leave him there. He may just become his next target. Get him to his moms and get out of there. You both deserve safety and security.

Just my opinion. Take what works and leave the rest. Best wishes to all of you!

(I apologize if I crossed a line but this is serious) So many members here, were that little boy at some point. Growing up in violence changes who you're meant to be.

 

[Whirlwind]

this ranges from calmer monologues to screaming fits of i hate you BUT as soon as i agree that yes it would be better if we took some time apart or say that I want to split of he freaks out and loses it out of control again.

He's testing you and Lundy Bancrofts famous quote "they don't have a problem with anger...they have a problem with YOUR anger". They get to rage, wallow in self pity....anything. But not you(us).

They do not want to lose their emotional punching bag (us). It sounds like you have a narc/disordered personality...consider reading and watching youtube - Sam Vaknin and Narcsite.com. They give advice on dealing with the escape, how the Narc thinks.

It seriously helped me formulate a plan with my husband and predict his behavior.

I should tell my family.. My dad knows a little bit. I know as soon as i tell them he would be here in an instant to take we away (well not an instant because he is a military contractor overseas lol) but I can't even imagine how that would go and I'm scared he would try to hurt anyone who came to take me away. I leave the house for work so could slip out then but still have to confront the fact of telling him at some point.

Tell your Dad. Getting "normal" people into the situation blows the fog away and makes things clearer. Share your safety concerns for everyone's sake. Don't let your fear of him hurting people keep you hostage...he's doing it purposefully. That is what police are for, restraining orders and more.

Mine threatened me with what he would do if I left....and did none of it. This was years of very specific threats.

Why? Exposure!! I didn't have a friend or family in the world so I told a lawyer, local DV and documented etc. I let him know immediately people and agencies KNEW. I even told him that if anything happened to me..so be it but they would be coming for HIM.

Boy did his behavior change when he realized people knew. Still a horrible jerk but with people "watching us"....the most decent he had been to me in years.

I am not doubting your concerns and safety is critical, if you need to just slip away, so be it. There is a threat assessment test you can use. It can give you some perspective on your threat level; Mosaic Threat Assessment Systems

Best, Whirlwind

 

[SameBoat]

I keep thinking about the boy. Does his mother know what kind of environment he's living in? I'd get h...

She knows that there is a lot of fighting from what the younger one told her about living here, she has called him emotionally abusive towards the kids which is somewhat accurate because they also walk on egg shells and he sometimes snaps at them and there is a lot of cursing from him.
Her and I aren’t on good terms, I don’t mind her she’s a decent person but she has never liked me Which I’m sure wasn’t helped by the narc we share. The problem is he absolutely doesn’t want to move in with his mom. If I’m gone I do think it would be better and my narc is so selfish he will most likely send him there when I leave, he’s not much of a caretaker and doesn’t like to be inconvenienced. He loves his kids very much don’t get me wrong but it’s not the unconditional love you would expect from a parent, a lot hinges on their performance and how he feels like they are making him look.
I think that’s a good idea though. Recently in a fight he told me to take the kid to his moms when I leave, I should have just done it.
But honestly I don’t think it’s possible to get out when he’s there and knows I’m leaving it would be risky because we live in a small town with lots of real area to drive through between towns before you get to bigger cities

He’s coming back tomorrow. Probably tonight... any of you guys had where he’ll be gone and always shows up earlier than he was supposed to be back as a ‘surprise’ then is pissed when things were t prepared for his return or I’m annoyed he shows up early every time. It’s like he’s checking up on me not home early because he wants to see me and knows I’ll be happy

 

[SameBoat]

Whirlwind,

That’s what I hope would happen with mine that he would turn his attention to anyone else who is paying him attention and just let it go.. right now I feel like no where could be too far in the world but he doesn’t travel much outside the state and gets anxiety about doing so so hopefully it wouldn’t be worth it to him.
Took the mosaic test, the results weren’t great 8/10 but there’s a lot of good info in the report! I’m only part way through it so far but it’s valuable info thank you!