Dom Violence Why am i so terrified to leave?

[Happyplace76]

@SameBoat Hi Sameboat! You're still staying in California though? You have someone to stay with and then your family flew in? You're not flying back home? Sorry, just confused because you had said your time in cali was winding down. You mention being worried about going back to him. Or are you flying back home and going somewhere else? Most important thing is always keep your distance - no physical distance, limit phone contact to a minimum and need-only basis. Let me know how the next few days go. You can do this... I almost went back to mine in all it took was 3 days to suck me in - BUT I left that final time. You can do this - all I can say and that you must stay away from him. Call a friend, have a rotation of friends to call if you feel like talking to him, block him, it helps a lot. Did you get in touch with a local DV agency?

 

[SameBoat]

I am still here in California until the 31st. Then flying back to my home state where my car is parked at my brothers house 10 min from the airport. Where we lived was two hours from there. He finally got me to say I’m not coming back but then we talked and texted throughout the day, mostly him saying how much he loves me and wants to change. We’re aupposed to be moving in to a new house June 4th and he wants me there to give it a try in the new house hopefully the job with my dad comes through soon. I’m worried about idle time and going back to him. If I don’t hve the option to drive right away the temptation to go usually passes. Otherwise I’m straight back as soon as he asks.
But also I can’t show my face there with him, I already told my job I left

 

[shimmerz]

but he slammed my laptop down on my hands and when i pushed his hands away he shoved me hard on to the floor.

Moving to a new house doesn't fix this. Patterns like these are burned into the brain.

The dangerous thing is that time away from abuse gives the impression that it wasn't so bad and that things can work out. You know, new start and all. All that will happen if you move back in with him, now that you have left him, is that he will get more controlling so you won't take off again. All the promises in the world won't change the dynamic you are in with him I am afraid to say.

 

[Happyplace76]

I am still here in California until the 31st. Then flying back to my home state where my car is parked...

@SameBoat - ok so from what I'm gathering, you have to fly back because your car is parked near the airport. But you quit your job. He scares the living crap out of you, and there's really not much there except possibly a new house and him. Ok - I understand the stressfulness of the situation and you're thinking about finances, the logistics, and you're getting cold feet because it looks impossible, you're tired (that's what kept me stuck for so long). The problem is, is you just really can't right now. I did the same thing and all it did was prolong my misery, how unsafe we were, etc... Truthfully, I think you should stay in Cali after all that you've told us - I thought it was a one way ticket you had gotten? This will be uncomfortable, it will suck, it will be so hard, it will feel humiliating, you feel like you're losing everything.... there's no feel good part to leaving abuse. There just isn't, I wish it wasn't so hard. Sometimes it means couch surfing, or even a shelter. You just kind of have to give in to the hardship, my advise is to call your local DV agency number, crisis line now. You could find temporary shelter until the job comes through with your dad or a job. And counseling, and women who will help you center your thinking right now.

He's dangling dung carrots at you - he knows you might really leave so he's upping the stake, using the SAME damn excuse mine did - a new start. Yeah that "New Start" got me thrown to the ground, pregnant. Think I limped for 3 days after that. In fact that new start escalated the abuse, that's when it got ramped up! Had I stayed just another year longer, he would've been punching me in the head - that's how he got better - I left for good, and the next woman he hit in the head after head surgery. Something I learned - It ALWAYS escalates. Might take a lot of time, usually it doesn't, but it escalates ALWAYS. I am just lucky because I left early - early relatively in that abusive relationship (2 years in), and 2 months with the psychopath. I learned from my first abuser. The women at DV told me just last week they were so glad I left when I did because it would've escalated quickly.

Please contact DV crisis number - please. Talk to someone. Please don't go back for a house, or because it'll surely get easier and you both will be able to get past this. Domestic Violence is like a gorilla, and a normal marital argument like one of those cute little tiny monkeys. Your relationship is not a fixable one - especially right now. It is a very very dangerous one for you though. I am really sorry if I sounded at all harsh or like I don't understand. I DO understand. I think your situation is very serious and dangerous and there is more out there for you than a life full of abuse. Experiencing leaving twice, I'd call DV crisis line, get in with an agency immediately if you can, see what options there are for you other than returning. The state or your state might have relocation services.... they can help you work out the logistics - it'll get taken care of. Please call. Do it for yourself but also for your family - your dad, etc...

thehotline.org tel:+18007997233

 

[Happyplace76]

@SameBoat - ok so from what I'm gathering, you have to fly back because your ca...

Is there someone you can stay with when you get back other than him? Anywhere but there, he always got me back with texts and calls and promises... I noticed something you had said about showing your face... and I wanted to let you know that this is something I specifically struggle with - why I had said leaning in towards the hardship.... and know that it is NOT your fault. They make it feel like it is ours, but it's not. Saving face - that part about it being humiliating - is one of the toughest things... but you'll get through it and the "humiliating" part doesn't last forever. Just until you're back on your feet and you'll be there soon.

 

[LanaD]

Hi everyone,

I've been following this forum for a while and finally decided to make an account so I...

You've got a lot of replies already but I'll share the quick version of my story: I ignored huge red flags and moved countries to live with a man I thought I loved. For 1.5 years I put up with emotional and psychological abuse - and the occasional forced sex - thinking I couldn't leave, either. He diminished me to nothing, criticizing every single thing about me and calling me lazy, just like your guy. The trouble was, I now realize, I couldn't leave because I really ended up believing I was NOTHING because I wasn't leaving a man who treated me horribly AND cheated on me constantly. He did the classical "If I leave you/If you leave nobody else will love you" - he took turns with you/I but he used those very words. My ex also used the word "abandonment" and its derivatives quite often. Turns out he preys on women who have abandonment issues.

During the whole nightmare I thought I could talk things out with him but eventually it became clear to me: he was NOT rational or sensible or anything worth talking to, he was a psychopath. For me there was only one way out: to just leave. I waited till he was away one time, got all my stuff and left. Freedom!

 

[blackemerald1]

If you are returning for a car..don't. Ask your brother to sell it and send you the money.

Ask your father if you can go with him and reside with him until the job comes up. If you have other personal possessions that you really would like to get then maybe ask your brother or someone you trust to go and collect them, sell them or store them.

him saying how much he loves me and wants to change.

Yes they all love their victims. Is this the type of love you want? I'd suggest you think on this really hard. Of course he's telling you 'wants' to change. The only person that can make him change is himself. Not you. He doesn't need you to change...sorry. It's his responsibility to change and you really do not need to be there to facilitate it. He simply will not bother once you return. He didn't have to do anything the last time you returned. Why should he start changing now? Think about it.

Now he drops the 'love' word, sends a few texts and talks about a 'fresh start'. Excuse me...isn't he admitting he has been abusive towards you but it was the accommodation that was the problem? Wow that's a big fat excuse. Are you going to accept this? Do you really think a new home is going to solve his abusive traits? I will leave you to answer that one..

I’m worried about idle time

So you think the more you think on it - the more likely you will return? Volunteer at a local shelter for DV survivors. Do something with this time. Please go and see a DV support person, therapist.

I’m straight back as soon as he asks.

Only you can decide what you do. Asking, pleading, begging, demanding etc., You still choose. Not him.

I can’t show my face there with him, I already told my job I left

Yes, you have left your job. You are out of the area and on your way to a new life. Work on that. Now you have options. Lots of things to do that do not include an abusive partner.

Your former employer would be concerned if they saw you back with him after you told them why you left their employ suddenly and then they saw you back and with the very reason you gave for leaving. (ie abusive partner).

But really the biggest and most dangerous issue is you returning to this man who has abused you. You do not need to return. You do not want to return. What is the reason that would compel you to return @SameBoat??

He finally got me to say I’m not coming back but

Did he get you to say it? ....and then the 'but'. Can you see how distorted this is? Does he have so much power over you that he can get you to say something and then get you to recant? Take back your independence, safety and future. It is extremely difficult to break out of the cycle but you can do this if you really want to.

You do not need to go back because he loves you.

 

[ahershey]

Hes using the defending himself as an excuse to act a fool. Can you go to a shelter in a different town?...

Yes. Go to a shelter in another town
————
It is good that your brother is helping you with your car.

I left Idaho with my girls two years ago. It had taken four months for my plan to work, since my abuser would not let me be alone
with both kids at the same time.

I came to Cali and stayed with my dad for a bit. Those first 6 months were the worst time. My father and brother ignore PTSD. It doesnt exist. My issues are all in my head, ha. (Being a mom of a two little kids while having PTSD is a struggle. It's hard for little kids to see parents freak out. My family did not support me at all.) I moved into transitional housing and was able to save my money and get into an apartment.

I have been back in Cali for two years and I am happier than I thought possible. My girls are so much happier.

I went back once, to cash a check made out to both my abuser and I. He tried to keep me there by sleeping in my car, and doing the usual angry crap. I left despite severe lack of sleep. Took me a couple months to get over the visit. I still have stuff at my family's in Idaho from when I escaped. I have thought about retrieving it all...But things are not worth life. Plus, I have much cooler boots now, ha.

 

[ILoveLife]

I very much doubt the sincerity of the love he professes. Love is not what he gives you. Love is not abuse.

 

[LanaD]

Yes they all love their victims.

Yeah, mine said he had never loved anyone as much as me, nothing had ever been so good with anyone as much as with me etc. etc. etc.

 

[littleoc]

It doesn’t matter if he loves you or not. It’s not going to work. You’ve already been done with this relationship for a while. Sometimes we have to move on, and it’s so hard but you’re already this far. You can do this.

 

[SameBoat]

Thank you all so much for your replies you are so right about it. I try to talk to other people about it but since I haven’t told them the extent of the abuse they aren’t as quick to say um hello, obviously you shouldn’t go back to him!
My dad is going to be traveling around for a while but I do have the option to fly to Ohio and stay with my aunt.. she’s been trying to get me to visit and I know she would let me stay for a bit. I think you guys are right, my brothers is only 2 hours away but that means he could be there in 2 hours..
I’m sticking to the plan! I think I need to tell more people most people just haven’t heard from me since I left