Why Can't I Help Myself Without My Counselor?

[Sally sue]

So, I had a really bad trigger a week and a half ago and didn't have an appointment with my counselor until today. I emailed her for support and guidance, which I got :), but when I got there today I completely fell apart! We did some EMDR which really helped, but I don't understand why I can't seem to help myself on my own??

I admit I'm not good at needing anyone or help, but I also feel like a terrible burden to my counselor, which is totally coming from inside of me.

I've been in counseling for 4 years, why do I still need help? Why can't I manage without her? Is there just something wrong with me?

Thanks for your thoughts,
Sally sue

 

[WillyKat]

I don't know if my answer can help much, but I think this is fairly common for those of us w/ PTSD. In my case, I spent a lot of my life trying to find family figures (mainly women) to not just take care of me, but to replace everything I missed as a child. That's an impossible task for anyone. I think I only started really healing when I realized no one would ever come to erase the sense of abandonment I felt. I wanted to be saved as a little kid, which no one can do, instead of supported and loved as an adult. It's a painful thing to finally see that, but it began a very healthy process.

Now I dunno if any of that applies to you.

 

[Sally sue]

Thanks @WillyKat but that's not quite it, it's not about being abandoned (although I'm totally aware of that issue too :) it's about my own inability to care for my emotional self, calm myself, to make sense of what's happening inside of myself, to take care of my own mental health? Does that make any sense?

I guess I just can't make sense of why I'm not able to do these things, at least partially, for myself?

I think I'm not explaining myself well since my post got move :).

Sally Sue

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Do you know a lot of grounding skills, self soothing skills and such?

I think that sometimes we can get overly reliant on our therapists. I left therapy knowing that I was still quite symptomatic but that it was time for me to fly or fall on my own. Knowing I had to rely on myself instead of my therapist really did kick things into gear for me. I knew I wasn't going to have someone to turn to every week if I fell apart. My support level ranged from friends who could provide general, basic support, and then a crisis line or ER for when things were really bad, but anything in between "light" and "really, really heavy" had to be taken care of on my own. I knew I couldn't over burden my loved ones, and couldn't call the crisis line or go to the ER unless it was really serious.

Maybe you're not at the point where you want to go without your therapist, but at the same time I think that you can learn to be less reliant on your therapist. Maybe try stretching appointments out a bit longer. Are you on a therapy rollercoaster? I was! Therapy kept my life in a constant state of flux as it was a weekly digging up of things that were upsetting. After leaving therapy, things evened out b/c I wasn't forced to talk about bad things once a week.

Now I'm at a point where I want to find a new therapist, but this one won't be a trauma therapist. I won't be dealing with traumatic things. I just want someone to do strict CBT with me. I don't want someone that I have to rely on, rather someone who will kick my coping skills up a few notches.

 

[Justmehere]

Recovering from trauma takes as long as it takes. Maybe you need more time to learn more coping skills, but it doesn't sound like you are being excessive in your need for support.

Maybe it would be good to think about what it would mean if you could take care of you without the therapist? Maybe this could be related to a fear of what happens if you succeeded at taking care of yourself?

I could be totally off the mark. If so, please disregard.

For me, there was a time where I felt I couldn't take care of myself. For awhile, I just couldn't. Then I began to learn skills and even then, they never quite worked. I had a therapist who knew about trauma and knew I was working so hard. He knew I wanted to not need outside help so much. So he asked me - what does it mean for you if you were able to take care of you more. We discovered that it would mean a lot of good things, and that there was also a big fear of success in there too. If I took care of me, that would be good, but then I would be alone again. I wasn't not taking care of me to get attention - that wasn't it. It's a much more subtle trauma related thing.

Once I started to realize this, it became a lot easier to take care of me and find ways to meet that need of not being alone. That's just how it played out for me. It may not be relevant at all.

 

[Nam]

I'm one of those people that hates to ask for help. That being said, I also knew that I needed it badly while going through the thick of it. I leaned heavily on those that would bear the weight so that I could focus and heal. To put it bluntly, you may not be able to do it by yourself just yet. I'm doing really well right now, but I don't think I could handle a trigger all by myself. I would still tell someone that I trusted. I would share it, because it helps me to be surrounded by people that know what is going on. Suffering alone is, well, lonely.

Time is a relative factor in healing from PTSD. Some people take less time, some more. And at what point do people say you're healed? Is it when you no longer have triggers? Or when you can function with daily activities? So try hard not to judge on time.

And why do you feel like a burden to your counselor? Isn't this her job?

Your counselor is your guide, like a map. You use it to orientate yourself. You will eventually not have to refer to the map, but right now, you are going through uncharted territory and need the assistance. I'm just glad you are going; one foot in front of the other.

 

[Seasounds]

You can feel proud of who you are! Learning how to come out of the PTSD jungle is a task, all right. I understand your concern and need. With your intention, I think there will come a time when you will feel competent in managing more of your symptoms. Baby steps, though.

My first thoughts were of my experiences. As a child, I was taught to feel bad, if I needed anyone's help; and simultaneously, I was not allowed to help myself, nor was I allowed to receive help. From this, I developed a deep helplessness, that could only be relieved by an authority figure's help. (Basically, the dependent child, needing help from a mom-who made the child feel guilty for needing help, and who kept the child, hostage, in helplessness. Really sick, but true.)

If this pattern rings a bell, you are not alone. In remembering how I first broke the cycle, it was through using the combination of Mindfulness, Non-Violent Communication, and taking a counseling class at a community college, (I am an adult child of alcoholics, so i took an intro class in alcoholic family counseling-to understand my childhood).

Also, I worked with a therapist who helped me feel acceptable (as a human being); she helped me begin, to be able to source my own power while I was working with her (moving from being dependent to interdependent.). You may want to stay with your current therapist or switch to another one. with whom you feel is gentle, and takes you under your wing. At some point, you learn their skills, and then fly to the next set of skills, learned from a different therapist. Over the years, I developed a set of skills, and I was able to manifest self confidence, and help myself, more. This process took years, and it was worth the slow and steady progress!

You might begin to develop some of the self-care, and self-support, skills. Some inexpensive beginning ideas:

• Mindfulness class (a favorite of mine)
• Meditation class
• Yoga class
• Search internet, for self-help: building self-esteem, and expressing emotions in a safe manner.
• Creating some friendships that you can trust.
• Go to a Non-Violent Communication (aka Compassionate Communication) intro-class.
• Taking an introduction to counseling class; this will give you basic knowledge and resources.
• Even if you don't know alcoholics, Alanon can be a great place to build a 'emotional toolbox'.

Good luck, and feel free to stay in touch.

 

[missbliss]

I don't understand why I can't seem to help myself on my own??

You can help yourself on your own.

 

[Laurie2001]

I think it is OK to need your counselor. It is just hard when they aren't available. Dependency is not a bad thing.

However, I know how hard it is to be triggered and have, at least for me, anxiety. My anxiety is just out of control and I've had a hard time finding grounding techniques that work, especially when I'm in the midst of an anxiety surge.

 

[joeylittle]

why do I still need help? Why can't I manage without her?

Is this really true?

From what you describe, you had a bad incident a week and a half ago, when you knew you wouldn't be seeing your counselor in the near future. So, you emailed for support and guidance - which appears to have given you enough coping tools to handle the crisis until today, when in therapy, you gave yourself permission to deal with more of the emotion of it.

I don't see you being unable to manage without her; I see you making appropriate use of a therapeutic resource.

I struggle with this often. Talk with your therapist about it, openly - get her perspective on how well you are or are not managing. She will be the best person to make a plan with (oddly! And this isn't dependency either, it's just her doing what you hired her to do).

 

[Sally sue]

Thank you all sooo much! You have given me much to process and think about!

Through that I've realized that the experience was like I had been holding my breath ever since the trigger, or like I was a balloon on the verge of popping with no way to release the pressure without help...alone I possibably would have exploded ha argh!

And thank you @joeylittle for validating that my actions were appropriate and reasonable :).

I now understand that I need to learn how to manage this figurative "holding my breath"...I noticed that when the counselor was doing EMDR I was also holding my breath, but she was the one who pointed it out :).

I come from a family where emotions weren't allowed and if expressed, punished. How to learn a new way, well, that I truly don't know.

Thank you again!
Conny

 

[TeaLeaf]

Sallysue- I just wanted to chime in to tell you that you are not alone. I have been in therapy a very long time and I still sometimes get upset at myself too for not being able to handle situations on my own and to still need my therapist at times. For me this can partially be explained by the extent of my childhood trauma, I am not sure if this is the case for you and your trauma.

Take care and don't be too hard on yourself.