Why Didn't I Tell Her How I'm Feeling??

[FindingMyself88]

So I had a session with my therapist this morning. It's been a horrible week! Nothing really bad has happened, my depression has just kicked into over time.... We went through the basics other asking how my week has been then she asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk about. I just could not make myself tell her how I've been feeling... Like I'm drowning in my depression. Like no one cares. Like why don't I just give up??

I've told her before about suicidal thoughts and such. I trust her. She was 15 minutes late so our session was cut short, maybe that's why? I was afraid we would run out of time and I would be in a bad place? But now I'm left alone with these feelings for another whole week. What do I do?

 

[Rumors]

Write a note and hand it to her when you walk through the door!

Hang in there! I do the same thing. He expects nothing less from me though I am sure. Find your comfort zone in working through it! Best wishes!

 

[RussH]

I know it is hard, but you are not alone. We are here with you.

 

[maddog]

I struggle with the same thing, frequently, and especially of late. I feel as though I wait all week, holding in the feelings in search of the one place where it feels safe to share them, and then when I get there, often I just can't find the words, or they get drowned out by shame, or by the very distress that I want to try to describe. I don't know why it matters so much, but I understand, it does. And then the horrible come down afterwards in anticipation of the entire week before you get another chance... those are some of my worst dark times.

I'm sorry I have only empathy to offer. The writing a note suggestion is a good one, whether you hand it to him in the session or e-mail it in between times if you have that arrangement. I can often express myself better in writing, and it feels like some kind of connection and validation to be able to do this in between sessions.

Sometimes, just saying "I'm finding it really hard to say what I need to say today..." or words to that effect, can just crack open the door on that conversation, or at least give you a chance at his being able to support and validate your silent struggle, which can sometimes mean a lot too.

Hang in there. It's such a hard road, but like me, it sounds like you have a good and trustworthy therapist supporting you along it, and slow step by slow step, you will move forward.

Maddog

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you for the suggestion Rumors, I may very well do that.

Maddog, you described my feelings perfectly! I came out feeling worse than going in because not only did I still have that weight from the week before, i felt like a failure for not being able to tell her how I feel. Plus like you said, the week of anticipation.

I do email her occasionally but i don't know where the line is of emailing too much? I may email her explaining the situation and see if she is okay with me emailing her how i feel, or if she wants me to come in a second time this week, or if she wants me to journal and give it to her next week…

Sometimes, just saying "I'm finding it really hard to say what I need to say today..." or words to that effect, can just crack open the door on that conversation

Maddog

this is a good idea too… I tried telling her that nothing bad had happened this week, but i just couldn't get out how i felt…so maybe this would help… ugh…i really don't want to wait another week to see or talk to her.. I hope she is okay with me emailing or coming back in..

 

[Abstract]

I can see why her being late and you having less time what add a bit more pressure and I know for me pressure equals silence.

I think the email and other ideas sound great and I hope you manage to reach out to your T. Good luck!

What you and @maddog describe is the story of my life when it comes to T. The only thing I used to be OK saying was, "I am fine" but now I am too far out of denial and saying that feels like self betrayal.

And so I sit there in agony caught being wanting to say I am fine and wanting to tell the truth and not wanting to say I am fine and not wanting to say I am not. The result is a very nasty flavour of silence.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Abstract, yes her being late did add pressure. Plus last week I got so upset during session that she had to hold me over 15-20 minutes and help me work on breathing before she released me. Thankfully that day she didn't have another client immediately after. But even though I calmed down, it remained with me for the rest of the day. So I think its a combination of not wanting this session to end THAT badly (which it would have had i told her how i felt), plus i felt guilty for taking up extra time last time, and i felt rushed with her being late…

Normally I don't have a problem opening up to her… I've been with her over a year now and she has seen some of the ugliest sides of me. Like I said in original post, I've told her about suicidal thoughts before. In fact, it was just a little over a month ago. It was hard, but I did it… Well actually we came into session, she asked how i was and i said "This is going to be hard…so HERE it is." lol. and she was very calm about it, so i don't think i have any bad feelings about that...

 

[FindingMyself88]

so either way, I have decided I am going to give her a typed letter or email her… I have sat down and wrote it, so here it is…


I don’t understand why I couldn’t make myself tell you how I have been feeling this week. I think maybe because of how upset I was last session maybe? Plus I felt like we were nearing the end of session and I didn’t want it to end badly, which I knew it would if I had told you how I had been feeling.


I’ve honestly just wanted to give up this week. I don’t feel like this pain will ever end. I’m overwhelmed by the least little thing and my school and work are suffering for it. I felt like a complete failure on Wednesday, but I just could not make myself go to work. I just laid in bed for majority of the day. I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid of nightmares, but being awake was torture too. That IS my life now. I just wish i could escape my own mind and body. I’ve tried coloring and drawing, I’ve tried reading, I’ve tried drinking tea, I’ve tried all my normal coping skills. Even being outside hasn’t helped. Every night is a struggle. I lay in bed afraid to sleep, but also not able to shut my mind off. 3 nights last week, including Wednesday, i just couldn’t deal with it and ended up cutting my legs some. It’s the only thing that takes my mind off the emotional pain, at least temporarily.


I feel like a complete failure. I can’t seem to do anything right. I also feel fake because I try to function or act happy. I had one lady this week on face book tell me my post always encouraged her. Although I don’t think she means recently, because recently I’ve either not been on or have posted about school. I am no one to encourage someone else. I completely have lost my faith in God... I don’t know where he is or if he cares. I know everyone says he does and the bible says so and in the past I felt he did, but i don’t know anymore. I feel like I am a burden on the few people I have trusted, even you. I know I’m sick of myself. My dad doesn’t deserve to be pushed away just so i can get myself together. He is trying, and for that matter, my mom has been acting okay too. Maybe it’s just me, maybe it always has been. I’m just broken and don’t feel like there is any hope…

I saw Dr. O last Thursday for my check up on diabetes and she asked me how I was doing with everything. I told her I couldn't sleep, even with the medicine. She said I really needed to get in to see my psychiatrist this week, that she was afraid if I kept going this way I was eventually going to break down. Hm, maybe that would be a good thing…least then it would give me a legitimate reason not to function anymore. I'm sure she wouldn't be happy with my thoughts on that. I do appreciate her. She went on to tell me I couldn't keep trying to protect everyone else at the sake of my own self…. but they aren't the ones still messed up, I am!!! My dad isn't still abusing me, but I still become afraid. My mom can't brainwash me anymore or control me, but I still hate her for it. I'm the one dealing with everything still, not them! Why can't I just move forward. Other people have been abused, I'm not the only one.

Is it ever going to end? If not then I don't wanna keep fighting this anymore..I just need to know there is hope for this to end...