Neverthesame
Diamond Member
I do this as well. It is not unusual for me to sit up all night reading case files, reddit, ems forums. I read until I make myself ill. I don't know what I am looking for. I just feel compelled to keep looking.
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Why Do I Do This And Feel Nothing?
- Post starter gonegirl
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- #14
I can hear my therapist now, "Do you think perhaps it comes from a sense of guilt or self punishment?"
I used to try to force myself to feel better around my triggers because deep down there was this sense of being "weak" in the face of PTSD and by drowning myself in trauma reminders, I was trying to prove to myself that I am not weak.
I see now that PTSD is not a function of weakness, just a function of an irritable brain physiology and that it's actually okay to live my life outside of my triggers, place my functioning first and just be the me I am now...triggers and all.
Try not to confine yourself to living inside of the trauma, sometimes there are no answers and we have to learn to accept this, recognize when we're self punishing and try to love ourselves through it.
I used to try to force myself to feel better around my triggers because deep down there was this sense of being "weak" in the face of PTSD and by drowning myself in trauma reminders, I was trying to prove to myself that I am not weak.
I see now that PTSD is not a function of weakness, just a function of an irritable brain physiology and that it's actually okay to live my life outside of my triggers, place my functioning first and just be the me I am now...triggers and all.
Try not to confine yourself to living inside of the trauma, sometimes there are no answers and we have to learn to accept this, recognize when we're self punishing and try to love ourselves through it.
Bill Dickerson
Gold Member
Sounds to me like your trying to build up callouses. If I watch enough of this my triggers will be diminished...they will no longer bother you. I suppose exposure therapy might work for many but triggers can be weird because it's hard to know what sights or sounds will cause a trigger.
It helps me to know what they are but it's the surprises that bother me. You can't always prepare yourself.
One here mentioned nail polish. Recently my niece was watching a video on her phone in the kitchen. It was from a high school ball game. The screaming kids triggered an anxiety attack. How do you prepare for that.
Several years ago I went to a new doc for my meds. He completely dismissed my issues and wrote a smart a$$ script that said something like 1. rest 2. friends 3. family. I almost returned and whooped my issues across his head. It unnerved me so much I drove directly to my Therapist. She couldn't believe it either. Some people even doctors don't understand.
It helps me to know what they are but it's the surprises that bother me. You can't always prepare yourself.
One here mentioned nail polish. Recently my niece was watching a video on her phone in the kitchen. It was from a high school ball game. The screaming kids triggered an anxiety attack. How do you prepare for that.
Several years ago I went to a new doc for my meds. He completely dismissed my issues and wrote a smart a$$ script that said something like 1. rest 2. friends 3. family. I almost returned and whooped my issues across his head. It unnerved me so much I drove directly to my Therapist. She couldn't believe it either. Some people even doctors don't understand.
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- #17
Ladyghosthunter
Gold Member
I did something similar when I saw my friends being wheeled out in a gurney after being shot to death and worse yet, it was all on TV. You feel that you should've done SOMETHING to stop your friend's death and coming to terms with the death is complicated for you. Your mind is telling you to find an answer for "next time".
However, in saying this, there is no more "next time". My friends have been buried for over 14 years and they cannot come back.
However, in saying this, there is no more "next time". My friends have been buried for over 14 years and they cannot come back.
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- #19
@Ladyghosthunter awful isn't it. I can't imagine these memories ever disappearing although T says the flashbacks will stop eventually. I just wish i could remember happy things and not the hideous last moments of her .Thank you for sharing it's always good to connect with people who you know get it
Idk, but for myself I found that some triggers drew me over and over again. There is a video that I used to watch by Toby Keith (A Little Too Late), had to be a million times. It is about domestic violence that backfired on the perp. I finally figured it out. He looked a ton like my ex, even did the same job, but it was the eyes. They showed they wanted to kill, while the mouth smiled. I was interested to notice until the 999,999th time of watching that I didn't register the eyes, but instead the smile. I took a lesson from that that I needed to dare to see what I didn't want to see (the hatred).
I didn't see this as a trigger because others trigger I would do anything to avoid (like sirens). I think the important thing to gauge and be mindful of is that you want resolution as to why you are drawn to this compulsive behaviour. If you find your self harming getting worse, I would seek professional help about the issue to try to sort out what keeps drawing you back to it.
I didn't see this as a trigger because others trigger I would do anything to avoid (like sirens). I think the important thing to gauge and be mindful of is that you want resolution as to why you are drawn to this compulsive behaviour. If you find your self harming getting worse, I would seek professional help about the issue to try to sort out what keeps drawing you back to it.
Thank you all for this thread. I had thought that obsessive-compulsive self-exposure to triggers was due to my trying to break through the traumatic amnesia only.
If only I had a dollar/pound for every time this forum makes me say "the only reason this happens is PTSD" (not my PTSD, not my life, just PTSD in general). When the 4 F's: Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn defensiveness is triggered, which for PTSD, is a great deal of the time, taking it easy and moderation do not compute.
Thanks for posting and helping share this concept. With practice, I think we figure out ways of breaking out of the 4F's, whether that involves avoiding common triggers, or exposure therapy. Working within a window that does not narrow life, into a total triggered state nor a running from life, that is tolerable is best.
It is easy to overdo things as a survivor in an attempt to help oneself. (Over-correction?)
For me, what has helped most is to have stopped hiding all this and to have a supporter to offer reminders of when I'm trying to do too much. Not hiding myself or my PTSD has been the largest hurdle.
When I'm spending large amounts of time on the forum, or doing any kind of "work" that he knows can trigger or exhaust me too much, he knows I'm just trying to grow. But he invites me to join him to do something else, so that I don't let myself go it alone too long.
If only I had a dollar/pound for every time this forum makes me say "the only reason this happens is PTSD" (not my PTSD, not my life, just PTSD in general). When the 4 F's: Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn defensiveness is triggered, which for PTSD, is a great deal of the time, taking it easy and moderation do not compute.
Thanks for posting and helping share this concept. With practice, I think we figure out ways of breaking out of the 4F's, whether that involves avoiding common triggers, or exposure therapy. Working within a window that does not narrow life, into a total triggered state nor a running from life, that is tolerable is best.
It is easy to overdo things as a survivor in an attempt to help oneself. (Over-correction?)
For me, what has helped most is to have stopped hiding all this and to have a supporter to offer reminders of when I'm trying to do too much. Not hiding myself or my PTSD has been the largest hurdle.
When I'm spending large amounts of time on the forum, or doing any kind of "work" that he knows can trigger or exhaust me too much, he knows I'm just trying to grow. But he invites me to join him to do something else, so that I don't let myself go it alone too long.
This is so true. One who reminds us to live life.
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- #23
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