Why Do I Feel This Way At Therapy

[Nicole0317]

Why do I always feel embarrassed in therapy or feel that she is annoyed of me if I email her a question or problem or feel like she would judge me if I said this or think I'm weird if I said that.
I don't understand this at all

 

[mrsps]

You are not alone in feeling like this! It is really hard to open up to someone and talk about our trauma!
Have you been seeing your T long?
We just need to remember that we are seeing a T to help us with our struggles and most T's would have heard it all before and they are not there to judge us they are there to help. May be a good thing to bring up with your T that you struggle to tell her certain things for fear of being judged / embarrassed. They are used to people feeling like this and they understand.
Best of luck :)

 

[shimmerz]

Why do I always feel embarrassed in therapy or feel that she is annoyed of me if I email her a question or problem or feel like she would judge me if I said this or think I'm weird if I said that.

From what I have learned and based on my own personal experience, it is because, before I knew any better, someone taught me that this is how all people saw me. Because all people, to me at the time were the two most important people in my little life. My parents. And they saw me like this. So it became the image of my self. And I carry it with me everywhere I go. Until I figure out how not to.

It is a mirage of a time long past.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that its sort of normal to feel like this in therapy....I mean I have been through the same thing. I'm not sure what your trauma is, but I know that I deal with this issue because of the nature of one of the people who abused me. She was very judgmental, so I fear disclosing things to others because I think they are going to judge me too. I know, a lot of transference at play!

 

[seedling]

I felt those things strongly when I first started therapy and for years after. Now they are not so strong but I catch myself in little ways on deeper levels - it seems it's still/always there underneath. Feeling the blame, that I'm the weird one, that my feelings/thoughts must be wrong.

I've tried to ignore it when I had something to say and to deal with it (bring it up in therapy) when it was getting too much in the way.

 

[Chava]

Hang in there. I kept expecting my therapist to dump me. I e-mailed her about some childhood stuff, what some guys did to me, and the content of some nightmares. I quit after I sent the one about the nightmares because I was so horrified and ashamed. She sort of calmly encouraged me to not quit. For me part of the deal of recovering seems to be surviving this stuff...disclosing some things to someone and trusting them enough to not quit. And when I realize I won't be dumped or rejected for the stuff I disclose, the shame lessens in small but probably pretty important bits.

 

[Neverthesame]

I don't think it's odd. You are sitting in a room in a public place (as in not your house). In front of someone who is a stranger to you, at best a familiar face. To whom you are going to be openly discussing the things you have been training yourself to hide from other people.

It's hard to air your "dirty laundry" for other people to see. As others have said above, there is very little you can tell a therapist that will surprise them.

I don't know if this will help but, when I was first starting therapy. I was feeling very much like you, embarrassed that I was somehow going to say or do something silly, or that they would say "That's it? Go away kid, come back when you have a real problem." What I would tell myself was something I used to tell other people when they would ask me what happens if a patient soils themselves at a emergency scene (I was an EMT). My response was always "Who cares? We just cut them off you anyway. Everyone in that ambulance is a professional doing their job to help that person. It's just that simple."

That's what worked for me to ease my trepidation about therapy.

 

[ghotiff]

I remember your previous thread and for other members Nicole is young and new to therapy.

These feelings are completely normal (some of the reasons are in others posts above) and they lessen over time (how much time is very individual).

Maybe, start with telling your T very small things that are easy to share and test her reaction. This will help you build trust in her.

If it happens that you can't build trust in her, you can look to change therapists. I'm not suggesting this but I wanted to make sure that you knew that this is an option. Many of us here took a few Ts before we found the right one for us.

Are you concerned about your recent message to her, you shouldn't be. If she responds in a way you don't like can I humbly suggest you share here so we can help you further.

 

[shell]

I am not young nor am I new to therapy, and there are many times I still feel like this, because I have always related to people from a place of fear, believing I will be rejected because I project my parents onto everyone else.

I still have the expectation that everyone feels about me the same way my parents(abusers) did, and used to believe that I was bad, wrong, unlovable and deserve to be rejected and abandoned, and old habit that I have to challenge over and over again. Over time I have learnt that they were wrong and to blame , my T won't reject me, so I have become braver and am starting to learn healthy risk taking, but it has been a very slow process. I still say sorry if I cry, because I feel embarassed and wrong.

Little steps, one at a time, question what you are telling yourself when you feel like this, and talkiing about those beliefs and feelings in therapy can be very helpful.