Why do I romanticize my messed up childhood?

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hi there,

Upside Down here, went by a lot of names but I don't come around so often any more.
I was diagnosed cptsd from childhood abuse.

I am relatively fragmented (or a lot?) in the sense that there's many aspects of me who operate quite independently, but not to the degree of being DID.
One of these aspects is stuck in childhood, perhaps age 6. Jung would have probably called it the wounded child, it's a mix of extreme sensitivity and neediness for control by some outside figure.

This fragmented aspect) developed unhealthy hyper-sensitivity and codependence as a result of my guardian beating me around. I call them "guardian" instead of parent because it's somehow relevant, as this aspect feels like they are being kept "safe" by this dysfunctional parent.

I've noticed that sometimes the hypersensitivity is sexualized in terms of having a weird nostalgia for the condition of being subjected to paternal abuse.
So I would like to know what this romanticization could possibly bring me. Because apparently there's an aspect of me that thinks this somehow serves me.

Is there some kind of way that I can induce this aspect of me to grow up and to maybe love theirselves instead of glorifying a disgusting past?
Also, if there are people who have recognized a similar pattern in themselves, can you tell me why you think you do that?

Stay strong.
Upside Down Eagle

 

[PlainJane]

Mod Note:

I removed your trigger warning. We don't use them here; being a community for PTSD leaves about anything to be a trigger for anyone.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi there,

Upside Down here, went by a lot of names but I don't come around so often any more.
I was diagnosed cptsd from childhood abuse.

I am relatively fragmented (or a lot?) in the sense that there's many aspects of me who operate quite independently, but not to the degree of being DID.
One of these aspects is stuck in childhood, perhaps age 6. Jung would have probably called it the wounded child, it's a mix of extreme sensitivity and neediness for control by some outside figure.

This fragmented aspect) developed unhealthy hyper-sensitivity and codependence as a result of my guardian beating me around. I call them "guardian" instead of parent because it's somehow relevant, as this aspect feels like they are being kept "safe" by this dysfunctional parent.

I've noticed that sometimes the hypersensitivity is sexualized in terms of having a weird nostalgia for the condition of being subjected to paternal abuse.
So I would like to know what this romanticization could possibly bring me. Because apparently there's an aspect of me that thinks this somehow serves me.

Is there some kind of way that I can induce this aspect of me to grow up and to maybe love theirselves instead of glorifying a disgusting past?
Also, if there are people who have recognized a similar pattern in themselves, can you tell me why you think you do that?

Stay strong.
Upside Down Eagle

I don't feel that it would be right for me to speculate why you do this, but for me, when I was really unwell I used to fantasise and romanticise past abusers. And I think that comes from a place of naturally being a positive, optimistic and caring person. (Wanting to see something positive in the situation). Twisted right?!! Yep, very strange. Also loneliness played a big part, so my mind would revert back to thinking about those people.

 

[shimmerz]

Hi Upside Down. I am not DID either but I do relate to structural dissociation. It was confusing for me to work with my younger and regressed selves. When I fell into their 'roles' (Imainly somatic) my life was threatened. Regressing into them stopped me from being able to function, sustain and take care of myself. It felt very easy to resent and have contempt for their presence.

There were people I would encounter on this site that asked how to murder them because they were so desperate. I can certainly understand why. I think what I learned along the way for myself was that it was much more helpful for me to create an empathic bond. I had no name for these aspects, but I recognized them by what I guessed to be their age. I did my best to relate the aspect to one of my children. Could I treat them with contempt? Absolutely not. So, if that was the case,if my child was hurting - how would I relate to them?

Calmness, compassion, nurturing. Surely this was something I could give myself after all I had been through? It really has helped my inner dialogue, my sense of myself, etc.

Wishing you all the best as you work on this.

 

[Sideways]

having a weird nostalgia for the condition of being subjected to paternal abuse.

This is really normal, I think. With or without dissociated parts. When primary caregivers are abusive, kids often grow up associating that sort of treatment with love and safety.

Is there some kind of way that I can induce this aspect of me to grow up and to maybe love theirselves instead of glorifying a disgusting past?

I have DID, so I don’t know if this will help for you - but compassion, time, and loads of communication.

I haven’t, by any means, persuaded my younger parts to fully let go of their relationship with my abusers, one of which they continue to hold very dearly. But we have made some progress. That required me to establish myself as a consistent and reliable source of love and safety for them, finding ways to help them communicate with me, and create a new dynamic with them about what love and safety were going to look like moving forward.

Not an easy task. And I’ll be honest, progress has been good with some of my parts and almost non-existent with others. For the parts that I’ve made almost no progress with, it’s become more of a radical acceptance situation. I get why they are the way they are - I don’t love it, but I get it and can make space for those parts as they are. Just…keep good boundaries around triggers that make them want to act out!!

 

[Grasping Hope]

Is there some kind of way that I can induce this aspect of me to grow up and to maybe love theirselves instead of glorifying a disgusting past?

Yes. What you describe is quite common in dissociative systems. The main thing to keep in mind is that every part, no matter how difficult its behaviour might be in the present day, is trying to keep you safe as best it knows how, with the information it had available in childhood. It wouldn't be appropriate for me to guess at why this part would be acting this way, but I can assure you it does have its reasons. Sometimes all you have to do is ask.

Parts usually stay the age they were when they were created if they spend most of their time dissociated. To induce them to grow up, you have to interact with them as much as possible and update them on your life in the present day. Just like real children (but usually faster) they grow up if given the chance to go through developmental stages. Therapy can certainly help, but is not the only way. Some people set up a time each day in a safe place at home, alone (as much as a multiple can ever be alone) when they let their child parts come out and play with toys, colour, and express their feelings. It can help to facilitate dialogue by letting different parts write to each other and have conversations between themselves. If you're having trouble getting going, it can help to use your non-dominant hand. For this exercise it is important to write by hand, not type. Very young parts might prefer drawing pictures.

Which brings up the other point I wanted to make. A huge part of healing dissociative systems involves facilitating dialogue between the parts. Rereading your post, you don't say whether you have other child parts that are differentiated as much as this one. If you do, it can help enormously to get them talking to each other. Rather than arguing or reasoning with the part you are hoping will change, the idea would be to get all your parts talking to each other so they feel safe expressing why each one feels the way it does.

I like Dr. Mike Lloyd from the CTAD clinic, on youtube. His videos are short and relatable, and he focuses less on traumatic content and more on the day-to day skills of living with a dissociative condition, which definitely include facilitating dialogue between parts.

There are others I would recommend depending on the cause of the dissociation, but with the information you've given, that is where I would start.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I'm sorry for not reacting sooner. When I came back, I was locked out for a while (spam filter, my country gets flagged sometimes). And after that, well I dissociated and then forgot to post.

Twisted right?!! Yep, very strange. Also loneliness played a big part, so my mind would revert back to thinking about those people.

Thank you Survivor, I often suspect that the "overly-empathic and sensitve person" (or "empath") is often born out of a dose of healthy empathy mixed with trauma, leading to something like codependent empathy. Feels accurate.

Regressing into them stopped me from being able to function, sustain and take care of myself. It felt very easy to resent and have contempt for their presence.

Your reply helped me a lot. I gathered from it that I am not the same as these parts, and I do not need to confuse my current self with my older parts, who are confused. Thanks Shimmerz.

That required me to establish myself as a consistent and reliable source of love and safety for them,

This is super helpful. Replace the "Guardians" with myself.

when they let their child parts come out and play with toys, colour, and express their feelings

I do this, but then I find myself super confused as to whether I have autism or ptsd. I was diagnosed ptsd (and never autism) but currently that's one of my biggest points of total confusion. However, I'll reserve that for another post. It's a bit of a side-step from this topic.

Rereading your post, you don't say whether you have other child parts that are differentiated as much as this one.

There's at least two of them. One that romanticizes it, and one that abolutely hates the... out of that part for that exact reason.