Childhood Why Do Sexual Abuse Victims Recant?

[Sideways]

People cope with trauma in so many different ways, and it's not always a straightforward trajectory. Sometimes we go backwards, either just because, or because something else in life has set us back. There's so many reasons why she may have recanted, and a lot of them are because possibly she's having a really hard time of it.

What I'm reading from your posts is that you're struggling with this personally, as well as worrying about the impact on your daughter. I can certainly understand that if you've found your voice, and are encouraging your daughter to not sit in the shadows of silence about sexual abuse, then this would be pretty confronting.

Totally support your plan to stay cool till you have a chance to speak to your T. In the meantime, try and be gentle with yourself because it's knocked you about, and taking care of you is always the priority.

When it comes to other victims and their journey, personally I try and accept them for whatever space they're in. Sometimes I silently rage at the injustice for others, and if a child were in the headspace to recant, for whatever reason? I think I'd find that upsetting.

But like you said to your daughter, you both know the truth. And wherever this child is at with her recovery journey, it's okay. Empathy is one of our strongest assets as fellow victims, and it's okay to be furious at the injustice of it, but also empathetic with the child who has recanted at the same time. She's choosing her own path, and even if it's frustrating and counterproductive and we disagree entirely with where she's going, we can still support her and her choices and her own unique path at the same time.

One of the risks here, for me, would be reacting in a way that may perpetuate this child's feelings of shame. Shame that it happened, and shame that when she recanted, she became a pariah again. That would be an awful outcome, especially when we all know that she is genuinely a victim of abuse and choosing to suffer in silence and denial.

It's okay to be supportive of friends, even when they infuriate us and act confusingly. But whatever you choose to do, be gentle with #1, which is you. All of your feelings are valid.

 

[Heather]

I haven't had any contact with Brianna in months when her dad let her make the choice to play with Selena again (her abuser) for my own emotional well being I bowed out.

I am not her mother and theres nothing I can do about their decisions to allow her to be put back in harms way. My daughter even talked to Brianna about and she told Nicole: it's my decision. nicole told her I just don't want to see you get hurt again. it fell on deaf ears.

I made inquiries with the local rape crisis about her situation they said there was nothing more to do. I had voiced my concerns to her dad, he didn't listen.

My main goal is doing everything I can to keep my daughter safe. I feel like a mama bear out in the wild protecting her young.... the claws are out.

 

[Heather]

@Ragdoll Circus No, nicole hasn't wanted to deal with this until just recently. she loves her new therapist and has agreed to do trauma based cbt. she told me she told some of what happened to her today.

I gave up trying to get nicole to deal with it months ago...she needed to be ready to do it on her own terms. seems she's finally ready.

I think her going back to public school and seeing Selena brought it all up again..... she came home hysterical maybe that was the defining moment.

She's not ready to tell me details but she talks a lot about getting even with Selena and what she'd like to do to her. Therapist says its fine, getting in touch with her anger.

 

[Sideways]

It's hard enough trying to deal with this stuff as an adult. I can't imagine how kids cope, especially when they're friends with each other. Sadly, just because we've been through the same trauma as someone else, doesn't mean we heal the same way, or can even be assured of each others support. It must be tough on these kids.

Hang in there mama bear, you're doing pretty great in a really shitty situation:)

 

[Heather]

Thank you rag doll I needed to hear that.

It's much appreciated:)

 

[digger]

If I'm remembering correctly (apologies if I'm not) you have been able to move your daughter away from the neighbourhood, and it sounds like this other child is still living there in close proximity to those involved?

In that scenario, I can see a number of reasons why it might feel 'easier' for her to recant. Peer pressure, pressure from adults in the community, not wanting to feel isolated or ostracised from the community, not wanting that to be how she is identified by others etc

I think as an adult, it would be hard enough to have stay in a community where this widely known about you (which sounds to be the case?), as a child, I can only imagine how hard that must be. My guess is she's just doing what she can to make her life as bearable as possible at the moment.

 

[Gs172003]

I hate to ask, but is the neighborhood kid a reliable source? (As in, do you know for sure that's w...

If you know the child well enough, can you talk to her? Maybe she has no support and just gave up.

 

[Gs172003]

Or even worse...her parents made her

 

[Suzetig]

There are so many reasons for kids and adults to retract, not least because it can come to really define them. In the eyes of parents, family members, professionals, the community they feel like the abused person, very private information gets shared by services and people in the community so the child has no sense of who knows what and it can feel very out of their control.

One way to regain control is to say it never happened. Unfortunately it doesn't stop people talking or change people's views but she may feel more able to manage the risk associated with possible further hurt than be able to cope with feeling exposed and shamed. It's horrible because you know things aren't ok there and there's so little you can do, and of course you have your own child to care for but I can see why she'd retract. It's really not uncommon.

I'd go so far as to say in my experience it's unusual for a child not to retract at some point, just to ease the pressure they're under.

 

[Heather]

@digger you are correct we moved. and Brianna's dads words reverberate through my brain he said : you are lucky, you moved, we still have to live here.

yes, I know Brianna very well.....she disclosed to me initially what Selena was doing. why she chose me I still have no idea. I don't think its my place to talk to her. I also don't want to put myself in that position..... emotionally I can't handle this right now as someone said previously
It's knocked me and it has.

I feel sad for Brianna and what she's going through but I need my focus is taking care of and preserving me and my daughters emotional well being.

I spoke with my therapist today and after much discussion have decided not to cut nicole off from talking to Adriana. I will let nicole know i'm not comfortable with this relationship but she ultimately needs to decide when enough is enough.

I do find it interesting that Nicole can't go to school and face Selena but she wants to go back to that neighborhood with the likelihood of seeing her and seeing that house where the abuse took place. my therapist wants me to ask her about this...why one situation is not tolerable but the other is.

Interesting.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I understand recanting.

You want your old life back. You want to be the person you were before t...

Many times victims do that to find inner peace: for instance by not thinking about the abuse you can still be that normal person. But when you admit to yourself that you have been abused then you are forced to deal with the pain. Often it is easier to ignore it.
Furthermore most victims are also attacked by the predator on a mental level, they are being told that it could be or get a lot worse. They are being told they are lucky because soandso was not that lucky. The predator will also attempt to confuse the victims by telling false information, by actually attempting to be the victims friend.