Relationship Why do sufferers sometimes never keep their word

[Sweetpea76]

Ok, three days ago?

I'd be pissed if we had set plans.

 

[ByrnesT]

Wow.

If i could like your post a million times I would. I think it does come to play that somewhat its...

@krisss yes I have spent 2.5 years making excuses for my sufferer (I didn’t even get the “honeymoon period”!), because I believe she is unwell. I don’t think that has done either of us any favours. It was all with the best of intentions cos I wanted to believe in her. But I forgave too much. I forgave someone who wasn’t even sorry. And in all honesty, I’ve kinda temporarily damaged myself now in the process I think.

Be careful of forgiving too much under the umbrella of an illness. Some things are not about that. Tolerance & understanding are fantastic & in my case I’m proud of wanting to support her so much. But I’ve got the balance wrong & taken too much hurt. I’m learning now that in my situation my sufferer is refusing to own any of her behaviour or address anything. I don’t know where your sufferer is with all this. Just be careful to not lose yourself to this.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'd be pissed too @Sweetpea76. Except when my guy is in PTSD mode (which it seems her guy is) I wouldn't have made plans in the first place. Knowing it would inevitably play out this way. IMHO.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If he cancelled *full stop* I'd understand. If he went with somebody else he'd be in the doghouse.

 

[LuckiLee]

Yep. I get that. But I feel the op has swept alot of his actions under the rug. So now he knows he can do as he pleases...

You and I would be pissed. She's hurt. Big difference.

Don't think we're talking like you're not in the room @krisss. Just sharing our thoughts.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It takes awhile to figure out your sufferer isn't made of glass. They can still act like a garden variety butthead sometimes and it's not always PTSD.

It's a big supporter trap. People come on here all the time looking for reasons to excuse all kinds of things because their partner has PTSD. It's much easier to believe somebody you love is out of their mind than to believe they are making the conscious decision to be hurtful.

 

[LuckiLee]

You're right. They're not made of glass. But alot of these relationships are. And I think that's her concern, not shattering the relationship.

 

[krisss]

@krisss yes I have spent 2.5 years making excuses for my sufferer (I didn’t even g...

I am desperately trying to grasp that. I don't want to forgive too much to someone who does not even realize what they are doing to the one person who cares. It's just hard. But with everyone on here to help through with their experience, i think i'll be okay.

 

[krisss]

You're right. They're not made of glass. But alot of these relationships are. And I think that's her co...

This is basically exactly what it is. I'm scared of breaking the relationship anymore than it already is. I feel like im walking on eggshells, insecure, always anxious about him. I hate this really.

Side note, I actually told him what someone on here suggested - "I was hoping you and i could go see the movie since thats what we planned, but maybe we can just see something else then" - he ended up not going with his friends and said he'll go with me. We were going to go last night, but it ended up being too late.

One of those boundaries you all talked about? I have something coming up - that if he does not follow through with it I think I may take a HUGE step back.

 

[Gs172003]

Why would ANYONE do that? Serious question.

Unless you knew this person pre-ptsd, and he never behaved...

This.

 

[joeylittle]

I have something coming up - that if he does not follow through with it I think I may take a HUGE step back.

That’s great about the movie.

For this - don’t be afraid to remind him about the thing. Don’t make threats - but also, don’t fall into the trap of wanting to just wait and see if he remembers, because if he does it will prove something about prioritizing you.

Your responsibility is to be clear the fact that it’s important to you (whatever it is), and that you’re glad he’s going to do it.

You can be supportive by offering to help, if there’s anything you can do to help him to follow through.

What’s the thing?

 

[krisss]

What’s the thing?

Perfect! i’m going to work on being that way instead of how i have been. When i said i wanted to go to the movies and hoped he would’ve gone with me, we actually ended up going. So i have to take that kind of approach.

But my thing, is spending new year’s eve together. the whole being together at midnight and opening a new year with him is extremely important to me. & so i’ve mentioned to him about us hanging out together whether he brings me along to wherever he goes or me bringing him to wherever i go. He has made comments about well i’m just not sure where i’m going yet and to me, that doesn’t matter. we could sit in the car by ourselves and watch the clock hit midnight, it’s just about being together; not where we spend it. He’s been iffy about it.

so i voiced my thoughts, i told him it’s very important to me and that it would make me feel as though he didn’t want me around him if we didn’t spend it together and that would hurt my feelings a lot. he then said to realx that he never said we wouldn’t spend it together and i said i know that, but you also didn’t say we would either.

So, i think that if he doesn’t, and doesn’t take my feelings into consideration, i’m taking the biggest step back. Because at some point i have to respect myself enough to know when someone is just being an ass & stop using the PTSD as an excuse.