Why do we take the blame?

[Mee]

Agreed!!!! It's just finding a way out of that hole. It's odd how prevalent it is across all kinds of trauma and yet it doesn't seem to be something that is easily fixed. That's why it's so baffling. Blame should be the easiest thing to get past because it's nonsensical but it seems to be a huge struggling point for so many of us.

I have often thought had I ‘got justice’ through the legal system my PTSD would have been alleviated. I really feel the kind of cultural shift here is necessary more than ‘justice’ because I DO think this is a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances in many, many cases. Then it can go on to be - something more when met without support, safety, compassion. It’s also why I feel CBT was inappropriate for me. ‘How likely is this to happen?’ I raise one eyebrow and want to cite stats along with my personal experiences. This is NOT my cognitive distortion. I hold that. I have cognitive distortions arising from living in a culture living in denial/ failure to address complex issues.

 

[Ronin]

I dunno that justice fixes anything of trauma & PTSD *but* issues with justice.

They are separate/interconnected issues.

I had 'justice' with some (scare quotes not as not meaning it, just thinking the legal idea of it doesn’t / cannot meet the personal depth of need).

It didn't bring me peace with issues.
I had to bring that peace to me. Or acknowledge justice is a lot lot more than what happened, but a state of mind and decisions about the topic.

And some yeah. Still live out of a wish to see some legal justice on it. But it won't change the past. And won't change the depth of atrocities to live with... and I'm still living the happy end.

 

[Mee]

I dunno that justice fixes anything of trauma & PTSD *but* issues with justice.

They are separate/interconnected issues.

I had 'justice' with some (scare quotes not as not meaning it, just thinking the legal idea of it doesn’t / cannot meet the personal depth of need).

It didn't bring me peace with issues.
I had to bring that peace to me. Or acknowledge justice is a lot lot more than what happened, but a state of mind and decisions about the topic.

And some yeah. Still live out of a wish to see some legal justice on it. But it won't change the past. And won't change the depth of atrocities to live with... and I'm still living the happy end.

thanks for that perspective ?

the reason I think it would help me is it would make me feel less like There is systematic problem with hearing victims. I think I would feel safety. The narrative ‘of someone harms me nothing happens to them but I remain in danger’ would be challenged.

 

[Ronin]

But there is systematic problem with that... as there are many other systematic problems... systems can't be perfect by design. Not the social ones anyway. People are fallible and there's always cracks.

Safety is a feeling.
Personally I feel lot more unsafe relinquishing my feeling of safety to others, and letting them control what is danger and what is safe by their decision.

Doesn't mean one should seek out harm.
Just that letting others dictate my feelings? I'll always be their slave.

So even where I *can't* protect me... still mine to own. I don't have to give into that.
... don't got words for it - want isn't the right one - but want to protect/sense of failure.

Because it isn't one. Of me, system, whatever.

Or: Really awaiting death? There was nothing and there was peace. And a win that couldn't be taken away from me. In that peace.

It's just a wee bit terrifying space. In that total absence of fears.

 

[Mee]

But there is systematic problem with that... as there are many other systematic problems... systems can't be perfect by design. Not the social ones anyway. People are fallible and there's always cracks.

Safety is a feeling.
Personally I feel lot more unsafe relinquishing my feeling of safety to others, and letting them control what is danger and what is safe by their decision.

Doesn't mean one should seek out harm.
Just that letting others dictate my feelings? I'll always be their slave.

So even where I *can't* protect me... still mine to own. I don't have to give into that.
... don't got words for it - want isn't the right one - but want to protect/sense of failure.

Because it isn't one. Of me, system, whatever.

Or: Really awaiting death? There was nothing and there was peace. And a win that couldn't be taken away from me. In that peace.

It's just a wee bit terrifying space. In that total absence of fears.

I’m sorry , I cannot quite follow all of this . ?. The first part I can- that systems cannot be perfect/. This I accept! But I think they can be a lot less imperfect than currently. My very personal opinion is that this phrase ( which I do not seek to negate the healing value of for others) is a sort of cultural gaslight or rationalisation for failure to improve. Shrug. Nothing can be perfect. But .... it’s not even fit for purpose imo.

I believe I can think this AND still take responsibility for my healing .

 

[Ronin]

But I think they can be a lot less imperfect than currently. My very personal opinion is that this phrase ( which I do not seek to negate the healing value of for others) is a sort of cultural gaslight or rationalisation for failure to improve. I believe I can think this AND still take responsibility for my healing.
.

No problem. :)
And sure there is a lot of room for improvement. Just sayin'- Don't let the bastards grind you down... or forever live in anxiety and distress just because local mores favor them. They're not worth that kind of sacrifice.

 

[Mee]

No problem. :)
And sure there is a lot of room for improvement. Just sayin'- Don't let the bastards grind you down... or forever live in anxiety and distress just because local mores favor them. They're not worth that kind of sacrifice.

M
I have had two good days! This is great progress for me:).

 

[mamachick]

Mee-I read on line that when legal cases are settled, resolved, verdict given, the likelihood of suicide attempt increases. I can see why, the process of getting any justice usually re-blames the victim. By the time its over I think the victim often feels less support, understanding, etc. Might want to google it.

 

[Freida]

warning -- cranky today! :laugh:

I wonder if we take the blame for what happened because we have to take the blame for how we behave afterwards. PTSD trauma can fundamentally change who you are as a person. How you react to things, how you live hour by hour, how you trust or don't trust, how you struggle just to make it thru the day. This gets tiring for those around us because others think we should be able to just get over it. And when we don't we get the blame for not moving forward, for not being the person we used to be, for being broken, for holding on to the past.

So, if we get the blame for how we end up then it makes sense we would take the blame for what got us there in the first place. Right?

 

[Sideways]

it makes sense we would take the blame for what got us there in the first place.

Nup.

That's like arguing (hold tight: too many philosophy classes about to disrupt your normal programming)
A = x
Therefore
B = x

If someone does something to you that is so messed up that you can't understand how or why they're doing it, isn't it just easier to make sense of the situation by internalising stuff?

There's also a time factor here. People are more likely to assume blame for situations (a) while they're still a young child; or (b) for trauma that is recurrent over a period of time.

Sexualised trauma I think also carries the weight of culture. There's plenty of reasons fed to us by our culture (what we wear, whether we're drunk, whether we have a 'rep' for sleeping with people, saying no really just means 'try harder', etc) that give us reasons to blame ourselves. And oftentimes, the perp in sexual trauma is clearly having a good time, so if there's anything bad about the situation, "it must just be me...".

 

[New]

Dunno. Well - I take that back. I was told by those around me that some of what happened to me could have been prevented if I had only done XYA and that got internalized pretty deeply

Yep... I know many reasons I don’t share my traumas with others anymore is because of this. I don’t think some have a clue what they are saying is that we are to blame. Add that on top of my PTSD brain and I feel terrible.

I believed them for a long time and still struggle with it.

But as someone else said... no one else is taking the blame so....

I wonder if we take the blame for what happened because we have to take the blame for how we behave afterwards

Oh my goodness... Yes! This has my really thinking.

 

[ChildofGod]

My thoughts: we take maybe because we had no control over what happened to us, we didn't know it wasn't our fault. Because we had know way of knowing it wasn't ours to take.