Why Does This Happen?

[starry-night]

I get so frustrated with myself and I don't know how to cope with it.

There is a big part of my that is very, very focused. Having to explore and try to come to terms with dissociation in a variety of forms, and having worked so hard to learn to be present on a number of different levels, I think it's given me a very good insight into what focus is. I like this side of myself.

I'm also very ambitious. Ambitious for myself I mean. I like to push myself hard, to the limit. I enjoy this feeling.

The problem is that my PTSD kicks in in various ways, as a kind of backlash. At the point where I feel I'm starting to make progress on my work, and feel positive, and feel that something good is starting to come of my hard work and focus, I start getting symptoms: insomnia (a lot), feeling very triggery, dissociating, wanting to isolate myself, depression, feeling really angry, even feeling suicidal.

I don't understand. Why? I don't recognize this in myself?

 

[Zipperhead]

Is it hope? Are we afraid that if we allow hope to return, and we fail, we will not survive? My hope failed today. Maybe tommorow.

 

[starry-night]

Yes, that could be it.

I'm so scared to hope for the future, and I'm so sure that I'm going to be thrown into some horrendous situation where I'm completely overwhelmed and can't cope.

Of course, I know that's completely illogical, because I coped brilliantly. I'm alive in spite of everything.

 

[Ted Moen]

At the point where I feel I'm starting to make progress on my work, and feel positive, and feel that something good is starting to come of my hard work and focus, I start getting symptoms: insomnia (a lot), feeling very triggery, dissociating, wanting to isolate myself, depression, feeling really angry, even feeling suicidal.

For me, once I reached that point, doing well, succeeding at stuff, people and relationships would begin to go beyond very simple task oriented relationships. The thought of developing personal relationships triggered all kinds of stuff and lots of anger. I would have to do what I had to do to get rid of the developing relationships, regardless of the consequenses. Once all relationships were either destroyed or reduced to very simple task-oriented relationships I would pick up the pieces and get back to making progress until the point developed the next time.

It took me a lot of therapy and being removed from the workplace to break that cycle.

Ted

 

[starry-night]

I can completely relate to that.

Part of me really craves good, nice, healthy friendships. Ones which aren't dominated by my feelings of fear, lack of trust and lack of self worth.

I have been really lucky in that I had a very sociable job, and that gave me the possibility of being sociable within the structure of work. So the conversations could be heartfelt, but they were all short.

I've had the offer of several friendships since being made redundant (earlier this year), but I'm very scared by that. And I've let the offers slide, very deliberately.

Thank you for helping me understand I'm not alone in this.