"Why don't you just stop self injuring?"

RussellSue

MyPTSD Pro
because it makes the anger stop and nothing else is working right now

So, I know I am a pain in the ass about the exercise but I have found that riding a stationary bicycle as hard and fast as I can for as long as I can helps me to get some of my anger out. I would kick and hit a punching bag or something but my knee and elbow joints would probably turn backwards and that would make me madder.

I used to cut and burn myself. I did it until my early 20s. One day my fiance grabbed ahold of my hand after the fact and with tears in his eyes simply said, "you can never do this again."

I never cut again after that because it was the first time in my life when I realized that someone was genuinely hurting when I cut myself besides me. I do think I doubled up on my smoking, though. I've since quit but at that point in my life, I did what I had to do to exist without killing anyone.

I hope that you are able to find some other way to get the anger out. I still struggle with anger a lot and that pisses me off a lot.

Sorry you are having a hard time.
 
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Justmehere

Moderator
I’m not well right now. I’m walking my dog, and I’m simply not well. I know that. Therapist is texting.

I don’t have anything to respond.
 

Justmehere

Moderator
I told the therapist again I’m fine, I’m safe, no I can’t talk I need to go to bed. No I have no plans to hurt myself or others I’m fine. Iblocked his number.

He called the cops. Police came and left. They said I looked fine. I simply said no comment over and over. No comment. They left.

He wants to talk. He wants to find me a new therapist. I told him no thanks. I’m fine without therapy. I’ll pass. He is insisting. Fine mail me the list. I don’t want to talk about it.

So that is that.
 
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Justmehere

Moderator
He keeps asking, “why are you this way?”

He’s a newbie therapist.... it’s why he had openings.

Why do I self injure? Because it’s better than the numb/horribly painful place I’m in now. Because I can’t find another way out.
 
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TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
I’m not well right now. I’m walking my dog, and I’m simply not well. I know that. Therapist is texting.

I don’t have anything to respond.

Keep it Simple...You are fortunate to have a concerned T. I row and row and row. I tackle the tides, and row some more. I guess it is exercise....but that wears me out. Walking the dog is a good thing. Sorry you are having such a hard time.
 

Justmehere

Moderator
I think the reality is that it's very hard to find a therapist in a national mental health meltdown/pandemic and that the kind of therapist I need is going to be tough to find. I need someone that can hold the space that goal number one is to stay regulated even when triggered in therapy.

Ultimately, I see them as a threat as soon as I walk in the door - virtually. Anything that feels like I'm being challenged feels like more of a threat. I told this therapist that "why are this way?" sounds like "ugh what is wrong with you and why do I have to put up with you being like this?" It doesn't come across as "help me learn more about you so I can be a positive support."

It's the positive support part I can't seem to connect. Today what I wanted was a "hey thanks jmh for letting me know that's too far amd how you are feeling right now. Let's take a step back and look around the room and let me know how present you feel." I told him this... and it's something close to what I told the last therapist I worked with for any length.

There is this horrible state I am in, and I don't know how much is ADHD and how much is PTSD. I forgot the ADHD meds today. That probably would have prevented the whole thing.

I need help, in a really big way, and in kind of a hurry. But at the end of the day, I don't think that help is there right now, and so it's on me to be what I needed a therapist to be for me.

I went into this simply looking for a confidential place to talk about current life issues. I'm leaving it really rattled and the past stirred up.
 

RussellSue

MyPTSD Pro
"why are this way?" sounds like "ugh what is wrong with you and why do I have to put up with you being like this?"

I can totally understand why this question was triggering and I apologize for responding regarding my own concerns previously. I was exhausted last night.

Last year, a physical therapist told me to walk like a "normal person" because I was obviously anxious. That was my last visit.

It totally makes sense that you would want a more experienced therapist. I hope you can find one quickly but I also know what you mean about finding one right now. I was in the market in April and it took some time.
 

Justmehere

Moderator
i think I’m most angry that I told him I needed to go to bed, I’m tired, I have assured you I’m safe, don’t want to talk, leave me alone, and 30 minutes later BANG BANG BANG on my door. All I had to say to police was no comment 10 times and they left. They kept saying “she seems fine. She is calm. Why did he call?”

Of course all the adrenaline came after.

After that, at no point in time could he identify what conditions had to be met so that he didn’t call police on me in the future. He told me he thought my being forced to go to the hospital immune compromised would be a nice “rest.” He also had no idea his calls to the cops are public record here.

He had no understanding this would be upsetting. He described it as “inviting you on a restful vacation.”

Yeah no, don’t pee on me and call it rain.

But after 7 hours yesterday of him Not. Leaving. Me. Alone. not even at work, despite my showing him video and photos of being at work... to try and get him to leave me alone...

I think the lingering words of his are “why are you being this way?” All I keep thinking is because I’m.... well, it all slides into really really dark thoughts.

Why? Why am I being this way? I can’t figure out a healthy answer to that question right now.
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
Therapy seems like a place where I’m always giving the wrong answers.
That seems like a worthwhile topic for a therapy session. (Or multiple sessions.) I can relate to feeling like you "have to give the RIGHT answer" in situations. That it feels like a matter of life and death to get it "right", even if I have no idea what "right" is for the person I'm dealing with. But, from what I've learned from my T, the client CAN'T give a wrong answer. (This is assuming a competent T, I suppose). They can only give THEIR answer. It may or may not be what they, the therapist, were hoping for. If it's not what they were hoping for, you're not done yet. Those "wrong" responses, if they're the truth, are just useful information for a good T. It's not supposed to be like acing a pop quiz where you memorize the "right" answers for the moment, then drive on. It's more like really coming to understand the subject matter.
 

Justmehere

Moderator
It's not supposed to be like acing a pop quiz where you memorize the "right" answers for the moment, then drive on. It's more like really coming to understand the subject matter.
That makes perfect sense. Somehow, it is not how it feels in the moment. I know feelings are not facts, and sometimes in sessions I will delay response a because I’m internally talking myself down that the question isn’t a test... only to have the therapist get frustrated (especially in intakes) that “I need you to answer the question.”
I try to explain “yes I know this is simply a lot of personal info to give up please give me a moment to breathe.”
Too many times they then escalate, “Well if you are not going to answer we need to end the intake.”

If I push to answer faster, it usually sounds irritated and then turns into “well if you don’t want to be here...”

Which usually, no, I don’t want to be there. It’s like going to the dentist for a toothache - I’m trying to go to mental health care for a mental illness.

One of the times he asked, “why are you being this way?”
I replied, “because I’m mentally ill. Next question.”

Another time he responded I told him, “isn’t that your job to figure out not mine? Stop asking me this question. It’s not useful.”

I have lost all pleasantness. All of it.

This therapist seemed kind, but didn’t really respect no very well from the get go. Just seemed like a super green therapist. Also no boundaries. Which is a super weird vibe to get of someone in the mental health profession having no boundaries. At all. It caused me to be much more guarded.

To be asked... why are you this way? Well. Apparently, I gave answers he wasn’t looking for... I’m not even sure he wanted any answers.

At one pint he said, “I would think you would choose to not be this way.”

?!?

After I crawled into bed the second time and told him no more texts, he texted, “I know you don’t want any more texts but should I terminate therapy or find a new therapist for you or continue working with you?”

“You should stop texting me and not insist on late night interactions after I said stop. Your number is now blocked. I will contact you if/when I decide to do so. Have a good night.”

I thought we had already terminated. I should send him that communication.
 
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