Why To I Regress To A Child In Therapy?

[GWhizz]

So the last few months in therapy I have become increasingly avoidant about discussing anything. I tend to sit there in a strop and just shrug or mumble at a lot of the questions my T brings up. She's very good at persisting and trying creative ways to explore issues though I just don't feel I'm getting anywhere 99% of the time.

Sometimes I will draw or write a little but even this takes ages before I agree to it. Before I go in I will myself to just participate and be present, to try get the most, both of the time and money! My T says I'm acting out as I feel comfortable with her whereas maybe I never had this chance to be like this as a child/adolescent. This is true. But it's really getting to me - I don't see the point continuing sometimes.

I've cancelled with her so many times because of this and the anxiety it gives me before a session. I just feel really stuck in this state now and don't know how to get over it. Maybe as she says, it will just take time. But I don't want to be wasting both her and my time with this. It's embarrassing and uncomfortable if nothing else.

 

[AqueousAndroid]

Hi, Genea. I just want to ask a question, and feel free to shoot it down but have you ever thought of group therapy? I am not sure if it would be beneficial to you, but I have done group therapy in the past and it has helped me...you tend to open up more if there are more like-minded people in the room also opening up...at least that has been my experience!

Perhaps group isn't an option for you, or you simply don't want to...that's perfectly fine. Just taking a stab at it since I myself realize one-on-one therapy isn't very progressive for me.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks for the suggestion. I hadn't really considered it since I kinda 'fell into' therapy rather than sought it out myself (was referred by my GP for postnatal depression initially). That's a good idea though - I may bring it up with my T as she may have some info on it for me. I really do like her and have begun to trust her a lot more, but at the same time, I question whether I am simply going because I get some kind of 'motherly' comfort from her that I never had growing up. Because I'm certainly at a standstill and not progressing right now, in fact, I think I was more open when I first began and for some reason I've shut down lately :-/

 

[Lucycat]

My T says I'm acting out as I feel comfortable with her whereas maybe I never had this chance to be like this as a child/adolescent.

This sounds like a healthy albeit uncomfortable, reaction. It sounds as if your therapy is working. It is allowing the child in you to express themself. I am sure it is unpleasant but I would urge you to persist if you possibly can. Within the safety of the therapy environment you can allow that child in you to learn the rules and gradually grow up. Don't be ashamed of that small child. I like the sound of your T. Persistant, empathic, caring and understanding I would suggest.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Whilst in therapy at the beginning my T would deliberately take me right back to my childhood and I would hear myself crying out whilst in session. For me it was the start of identifying with my 'Inner Child'

Since then I find I can now be comfortable with him and sooth myself easier each time I feel he is scared.

I wish you calm and peace within.

:hug:s Laurie

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks @Lucycat. Yes she is empathetic, actually she text me this after my last session: 'Wanted to say you did really well on friday. I know its hard but that young part of you needs expression and is precious.' She knows how frustrated I am that I find it so hard to speak up and that I'm getting mad at myself for acting this way. But she maintains that it's okay, this is a safe space for me to do this. I just feel really awkward about it and hate the thoughts of going through this again next Friday if that makes sense.

@Santa_Laurie I guess I haven't yet reached that point of self acceptance. I still blame that little girl for not doing more to stop things, though I know logically there was nothing more I could have really done, I'm still so regretful, angry, sad etc. Thank you for your kind words.

 

[ghotiff]

I still blame that little girl for not doing more to stop things, though I know logically there was nothing more I could have really done

Its is a major breakthrough when you stop blaming your inner child. There are many method to try to move towards this, they seemed to help me quite a lot. I'm happy to write out all the ones I know of for you if you are interested.

 

[GWhizz]

@ghotiff that would be helpful thanks so much. I'm back with my T this week after over a month break so hopefully we can get back on track and begin to move forward a bit. Dreading it as usual though :-/

 

[Sarah2732]

Wow- what your post described actually described something very similar I went through for a few months, after a few years of therapy. (Actually it was very reassuring and normalizing to hear you describe it. My T always said it was okay and part of healing but I never got comfortable with being in that place) No matter how much I wanted to, I could not talk to my T like an adult, I just felt small and scared and would sometimes draw or color with her but usually just hid under a blanket she had in her office and didn't talk.

During that time my grown up brain really had stuff I wanted to talk to with her, and I found I could email it to her in between sessions and could at least listen to her respond to my emails when I was in her office. That helped a tiny bit to make it less frustrating, but yeah, it was really frustrating. And honestly even in retrospect I don't feel like it was a fruitful or useful part of therapy BUT I can say it went away on its own eventually and progress did continue, so I tend to look at those weeks (probably 2-2.5 months for me) as just part of the process.

So keep on pushing. I think you will find it's temporary, and a stepping stone towards healing.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks @Sarah2732. It's good to know that it's in someway a normal experience of the therapeutic process and that others have been through it and found they got through it once they saw it through.

Like you, I feel adult in all other aspects of my life at the moment, up until the minute before I enter that room, until I leave the place! I was texting my T last night as she text to ask how I was doing, and I tried explaining how I felt about it all, how it's causing me to want to give up etc. At least we can try to discuss this in my session this week as it's been brought up now just how much it's frustrating me!

We did spend part of a recent session actually trying to 'experience' the discomfort it brought and trying to sit it out and explore it which was so awkward for me and I don't think it helped me move out of it at all, but I guess it reassured me that she's being attentive to it and trying to make me feel comfortable even if I am feeling awkward! I really do hope this is just a passing phase and that I find a way to move through it and stick it out at least.

Thank you for sharing your experience - it helps normalise it for me also, knowing that you went through such a similar experience. Well done for progressing onwards, I hope things are going well for you now :)

 

[ghotiff]

@GWhizz

Here are my thoughts on Inner Child work.

My understanding is that your inner child didn't get a chance to grow up and that they are stuck at the time of the abuse, the goal is to make contact with your inner child, let her know she is safe and that she can come out of hiding. Then slowly, you can re-parent her and help her feel the safety and forgiveness she didn't feel as a child.

The first the goal is to connect. Decide the age of your inner child. I think this is the age of the main period of abuse, or maybe the age of first abuse (when your inner child got stuck). Then create a toy chest for your inner child (chest, box, bag) desirable for that age. Then you start to put things in that chest that your inner child would have liked to have (or pictures of those items). For me, I re-discovered that I really liked drawing when I was at that age (it wasn't encouraged so I had forgotten), so I went out and bought some coloured pencils, pencil case and a drawing book for myself. I think the point of this was to show your inner child that you value them and that they have a place in your life.

Some websites talk about buying a stuffed animal/toy for your inner child to have to play and hold. Other websites talk about using a stuffed toy not as a toy for your inner child, but as representation of your inner child, so when you hug the toy, you are hugging your inner child.

Also a diary for your inner child. In the diary you start to write letters to your inner child. I suggest slowly first, the first one being very short eg "I would like to connect with you", or "I would like to spend more time with you", or "I would like to play/draw with you". Naming your inner child with a name that you like allows you to connect more.

Then you spend time with your inner child, doing something that they would enjoy. Websites talk about reading childrens stories to your inner child, or going swimming, watching a kids movie. Your goal is to enjoy these activities with the age mindset of your inner child, eg for drawing... playing with colours and enjoying the drawing and not worrying what it 'looks' like.

Longer letters at some point become more meaningful. There are many examples on websites, they are from the adult acting as a parent and re-parenting the inner child. Eg saying things like "I love you", "You are no longer alone", "I am here for you now", "It wasn't your fault". I suggest to go very slowly with this stage....this is really difficult and confronting work. I personally felt it very important to never lie to my inner child (she was lied to enough), so if I wasn't sure if I 'loved' her yet, I would not write that I did.

There were also really interesting websites that talked about writing to your inner child with your dominant hand and then having your inner child respond by writing with your non-dominant hand.

Hope that helps.

 

[GWhizz]

@ghotiff sorry I haven't had time to reply. Thank you so much for all this info/suggestions. I really hope that I can begin to connect with my inner child and am definitely interested in exploring some of the things you mentioned. I see my T later today so hopefully we can try work forward and I can at least try to embrace things or accept them as they stand while I'm still feeling this way in sessions