I start therapy on Wednesday!
I'm so scared. This week is going to be really tough. On Monday I have a meting with HR, where I think they are going to try to get me to resign. On Tuesday I'm seeing a new Psychiatrist about having my meds changed and on Wednesday I start therapy. I'm also supposed to go to the GP, but I can't. Normally I only go out about once a fortnight, and after making one phone call this week I had two days of not getting dressed.
GP and Occupational Health Consultant both wrote to old Psych asking when he planned to review me: he responded that he had no plans to see me again. They both let rip, and I've now been referred on to secondary MH.
They came to my home to assess me, and said they couldn't believe I'd been left so long with nothing. They'd all sat in the case allocation meeting looking at each other and saying "Am I missing something?". I've been told by three lots of people that I should make a formal complaint.
So now I've got a main contact, who's a nurse and will see me fortnightly: a therapist who I'll see weekly, a new Psych. and an offer of support workers to go out with me if I want to do anything. It should all be great and I should be able to move on
BUT
But
but
It feels too late. When I was first referred, 10 months ago, I felt like a tortoise who had a hole in its shell, with flesh poking out. It was getting dragged on the ground, picking up dirt, sore and swollen. But now I've learned to keep completely still, so nothing can make it fester any more. I've applied the balm of day time TV and the dressing of tracing my family tree in detail. I don't want to start exposing that sore wounded part any more, and I just want to go on hiding.
I haven't been posting anything here because I had nothing to offer, and I couldn't keep on taking. I've no compassion. no wisdom, no support to offer, only fear. Just typing this is making me panicky and lightheaded.