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gonegirl

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So -fifteen minutes ago i had this positive thought that i could go to a small town where i feel safe. .i don't feel safe in the city ...i was going to buy a small gift for one of my few friends. I even got out of bed and dressed..then i got back in bed to keep warm until husband was ready.
Then i got the jiggly feet thing and pounding heart and i knew i couldnt go ..why ? Why does my brain switch to this ? Is it because i had my 1st " i want to punch and shout at everyone who walks behind me or next to me or towards me" experience in public the other day ? If my husband hadn't been with me would i have stood backed into a corner of that building frozen for ever? Is this the start of something else ? It was different to the feelings of fear i often experience, this was anger ..is this normal?
 
Yes, I'd say for we PTSDers it is, at least it is for me anyway. I must say that the small town thing helped me plenty, so don't give up that thought! I moved to a town of about 2000 population from one of 26,000 population. The difference was dramatic, I feel such peace now, whereas I felt in turmoil back there 5 years ago and for the 12 years I was there. As for the jiggly feet thing, I have that too, it is called Restless Leg Syndrome and can be treated with prescription medicines. I am taking Clonazepam for it, but there are other meds that are not addicting that work too (Clonazepam is addicting, but not a narcotic). Describe your symptoms to your Dr. and he or she may be able to help you. And by all means, think seriously about moving to a small town. It really does help!
 
Thank you. .i always thought it was a nervous thing. My husband often notices it before i do. .It only seems to happen when my brain starts to do weird thinking . I will mention to GP
 
It's not at all uncommon w/ PTSD. Human brains have hot and cool systems for managing incoming information. The cool system handles most of the work, like everyday experiences: what you ate for breakfast, or even thinking of moving to a small town. The hot system handles flight, fight, and dissociation. Sometimes, all it takes is a tiny trigger to switch from the cool to the hot system. You can be thinking of something positive and then realize you're thinking something positive. Then you say to yourself "hey, that's much better than [negative thought]" and wham: the hot system takes over.

But I think it's important to realize that you had a positive thought. That's a good thing. Don't let the hot system trigger take anything away from that.
 
Clonazepam is addicting, but not a narcotic)
Interesting comment. There are various definitions of narcotic and some areas definitely put Clonazepam in that category. It all depends what 'narcotic' means to you ( or your country's legal definition).

However I do agree that some medication to help the anxiety, restless legs and feeling of panic can be very helpful. I have Quetiapine. I find simply having it in my pocket - ie readily available- is sometimes enough. I do take it when I need to, but knowing it is there lessens that need.
 
I haven't seen my GP in person since the psychologists diagnosis .I'm scared of going to the surgery ..properly scared but i will bring up meds at this weeks session with T .I have valium but feel that and my anxiety meds are not enough and too much all at the same time ( if that makes sense. ?) The 2 years I have been travelling this road seem so short to have learnt anything especially as every day contains flashbacks that put me back in trauma moment so actually it often feels no time has passed at all .I'm trapped in groundhog day.
 
I am in the same boat as you, trying to leave the city. Living here makes me not want to leave my house anymore. It's been 8.5 years and I think that this environment has made the PTSD much worse (if not straight up adding more trauma to the list too)

I feel like going anywhere is like a terrorizing video game. Examples: two men with missing limbs that hang out in the middle of the street stopping cars in their wheel chairs, some asshole swerving back and forth all over the road bc he's so "hood" and nearly hitting me, a group of teenagers that won't move for cars and dare them to honk so they can attack, not to mention that twice I was driving when a high speed chase pushed me off the road and I almost crashed.
Gun shots. Turning off all the lights and calling for my dog because I am afraid she was hit by bullets while in the back yard. Watching two armed robberies while I was doing my dishes (out kitchen window). Stepping on bullet shells that rolled into my gutter as I unlock my car. I could go on and on!

The weirdest thing about living here is that everyone seems to be dissociated themselves and tries to rationalize why this place isn't so bad. I feel like I'm in the f*cking twilight zone when I complain about bullets flying around (insert vacant hipster voice "but like, there's so much culture!")

Then I saw Forbes magazine rate my city as the #2 shitty city in America (Detroit being #1). I laughed my ass off, but not the fun kind of laughing. Forbes validated me at least!

PS I am working on a plan to move and in the meantime hiding in my house except for work and groceries! I don't even exercise my poor dog anymore because I'm afraid of being shot.

I've never been where you are (London?), but I agree that a big city is not the best place for ptsd folks to heal. A small town means I could face gay-haters and racists, but no flying bullets or crackheads!!! (gotta take what we can). Sigh...
 
Shandemonium your life sounds way more chaotic than mine. I live in a large city .surrounded by countryside and small towns and villages. A place which represented lots of safety and good times until the trauma event. Now i think i resent its safeness, its slow pace ..how can everything stay so safe and mundane when my life has been so devastated by by that one event? I want to live in a different place not to feel safer from danger but so i never have to see people i knew or people that will judge me or stupid people that make me angry for no reason other than they appear safe and content. I know this is irrational brain talking but hey ... In fact since my trauma event i have taken a 3 yr consultancy project in the townships of South Africa . This is working with young children to teach them to play and become citizens with a voice. Now there in these poorest of places i see and hear of traumas far worse than mine. I have stood in front of a loaded gun and felt no fear and when i am back here in this safe country in the UK i miss the people and danger of South Africa. Why does this dangerous place feel safer? I am a puzzle to myself for sure. I hope you find your safe place soon Shandemonium
 
Triggers are a complex thing, so it doesn't surprise me that some things don't trigger you but comparably tiny things do. For those things that don't trigger you, they don't because they don't remind you of the original trauma and you can react w/ your cool system. What does surprise me is that you can stand in front of a loaded gun and feel no fear. I have no explanation for that. Cool system indeed.

I think there are a lot of us on the forum that have made the decision to leave town, whatever size or type, to get away from certain people. For a long time, I wanted to live in a big city to get away from the small town where way too many people knew me. Now I long for a smaller town again, but not the one I grew up in.
 
I'm just trying to remember that gun incident more clearly and i think maybe there was fear but not the terror i was expecting. ..It was more like a kind of relief that finally i had something to be genuinely frightened of and i wasn't. I was resigned to die in the same way that i have in the past deliberately put myself in danger by driving recklessly or hitting myself on the head with a rock to stop the thinking , flashbacks &/or panic attacks. Your insights into hot and cool brain have been very helpful @WillyKat i think understanding how the brain works will help me hugely as i have already discussed with my T .knowing that i don't always control my brain is important to me. Thank you for your wise words.
 
Here's an article for you that I think is fairly approachable for non-professionals:

Metcalfe, Janet and W.J. Jacobs. “A ‘Hot-System/Cool-System’ View of Memory Under Stress” PTSD Research Quarterly 7:2, Spring 1996. DOI: http://
 
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