Relationship Wife Has Cptsd And Is Pushing Me Away.

[Chris242]

Great to have found this place!

I've been married for 15 years and only now realized my wife has CPSTD. When we first got married and had our son, I'd be greeted at the door coming home from work with an argument that ended in "maybe we don't need to be together anymore".

I stopped engaging with her and told her I didn't want to hear about it again until she had divorce papers in hand. It was quite hard for me to be a new father and husband and have to deal with her issues. I delved into ignoring her and she threw herself into being a mother and wife.

Our son is now 14 and doesn't require the care he used to. The past 5 years have been nothing but bliss. Love, compassion, affection etc. About 4 months ago she developed trouble sleeping and tremendous poor self esteem and she told me that she needs help because she doesn't want to die.

She feels old, unattractive and that she has no life. I can understand the last bit as she was so over focused on being a mother, she never took time for herself or her issues. She's now sleeping on the couch and complains most of the time about needing space.

When she's tired or overwhelmed at work, she'll frequently have mood swings and shout at me about needing space and then yelling at me that she doesn't want to be here any more. She has also been telling me that she isn't attracted to me anymore. I'll ask her if she thinks i'm handsome and she'll look at me with misty eyes and say that yes, I'm very handsome. She'll have lucid moments where she'll say she just doesn't want sex and that it's not an issue of attraction.

Other times, she'll be blowing off steam about work and I'll encourage her to take a yoga class or something and she'll say "I don't want to". I'll ask why and fall headlong into the trap of crowding her in. She'll shut of her emotions and repeat the "i just want to be alone" or "I don't want to be with you" mantra, even though last night she admitted that she does it to create emotional distance from me.

I admit that she triggers my anxiety and abandonment issues when she does this and I am seeking help for them, for me and so I can help us.

Does anyone have any insight or thoughts into what she's going through?

Thanks!

 

[Mytime]

Welcome to the forum, glad you found us:) I'm also a supporter and I'm happy to hear your getting help for yourself. The number one thing, is looking after yourself. When I first came here, everyone said " look after yourself, get some Counseling " I though they were all , nuts! lol. But they knew what they we're talking about. From what I'm understanding from your post, she may be in numbing and avoidance. Anger can help protect us from emotions we are not ready to feel or understand. Reading the stress cup can help you understand what she may be feeling. Just know, your not alone. You have support now from supporters and suffers. It's what I love the most about coming here. The support from both sides, not being judged and knowing you can make a mistake and having support to Guide you through. Sending hugs if you expect:)

 

[Chris242]

Thanks for the warm welcome! Yes, I need the support, but I am also trying to decode my wife's behaviors. You've given me a few things to look into :)

I also wanted to add, that my wife has begun sexting (just chat) on the internet. I caught her doing it and my mind went back and connected some random but strong outpourings of affection from her.

I'm thinking the sexting made her feel better about herself and raised her arousal level to a point where she could have normal feelings for me again. She mentioned too about needing the second bedroom for her. She seemed to be using layered coping strategies.. The sexting as a feel good drug, the spare room as a retreat from feeling like the walls are closing in. In fact she said specifically that she needs these "different layers".

She was quite robotic and monotone last night about not wanting help and wanting to leave until she confessed about shutting down to create emotional space. She went on the treadmill for an hour and everything was almost back to normal. She was playing around with her phone and I asked her if she had any pictures of me on it and she said no, because I'd never let her take my picture. Again, it seems like on a subconscious level, were connected.

I think she also has some depression going to. It's very difficult for me to read between the lines. Is it me or is it depression / CPTSD?

 

[Mytime]

How do you feel about the sexting? Is she in therapy?

 

[Chris242]

She is in therapy. I was very hurt. I knew something was going as her behavior changed. I was more shocked by her lack of guilt, remorse or shame, in the moment. later, she admitted to feeling guilty and shameful; because it's degrading and she needs her "high".

I had a talk with her last night about when I was doing it and she controlled me by making me delete stuff off of my computer. I said to her last night it's not fair that she considered me wrong, but she considered it a right for her. She said no, it's not fair, but she has problems and she admits it. yet nothing changes.

I feel she's too addicted to it as a coping strategy.

 

[JM318]

She is in therapy. I was very hurt. I knew something was going as her behavior changed. I was more sho...

Chris,

That's a tough spot to be in, and I'm so sorry you're hurting. I've been through ups and downs with my veteran and it does take a strong person to join the roller coaster ride and support them through everything. I think if this was an issue for us, I couldn't do it. It's hard enough as it is. I would most likely tell him to focus on recovery and what he truly wants, but I wouldn't stick around, be faithful and put my life on hold, if it's not reciprocated; it's just not fair. (We don't live together, and are currently not talking). This is just me and how I would handle this situation, in MY relationship. You will know what you can and can't handle. Always look out for YOURSELF. There is a difference between right and wrong.

Best regards,
Joanna xox

 

[Chris242]

I'm beginning to take steps to take care of myself and prepare for anything and everything.

I honestly don't think the sexting was an attempt to cheat. We both have abusive backgrounds and I myself used pornography for the same reason, a temporary way out of the darkness. It's her addict behavior that bothers me. She's angry at life and just wants to do what she wants right now and damn it all to hell.

She frustrates me because because she's aware of what's going on, but then gives into the roller coaster. I agree with many posts I've read here, it's up to her to change. I just need to work on my anxiety and let her do what she needs to, regardless of the outcome.

 

[JM318]

Oh okay, so then the sexting does not bother you because you understand why she needs to do it. Well then I'd say focus on yourself and let her do the same. Good luck.

Joanna

 

[Sweetpea76]

The depression is a symptom of the PTSD, so the answer to is it depression or PTSD is yes... It's all mixed in together.

Welcome to the forum. It's a great place to find support and help researching.

Aside from self care, researching PTSD helps my own coping and mental health a lot.
Not understanding what is going on with your loved one is probably the hardest part. Learning how this all works helps a lot. The stress cup is the easiest and clearest explanation of how stress efffects your partner. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

There is also a great supporter video series
Link Removed. It's geared towards combat vets, but there may still be a lot of good stuff in there for you.

Those are some really good places to start.

 

[Mytime]

I agree with sweetpea:) what I would suggest, is set your boundaries. PTSD is not an excuse for bad behavior. I myself made the mistake of not setting them in the beginning. I thought it was because of PTSD, but after reading and talking here, I realize the name calling and emotional games are a choice. (Also so lack of coping skills) But I stood there taking it, thinking, he couldn't control it. But all it did was put me in therapy and reliving a part of my childhood. Don't loss you:) work on you. Because that's the only thing you do have control over.

 

[Chris242]

I am really glad to have found this forum and appreciate all of the support!! I've been reading alot about PTSD now and I'm really surprised at how common my experiences are...

I really find myself in the is it PTSD or is it me? Scenario that seems so common in so many threads.

One thing I don't understand is the rollercoaster and denying that things ever happened.

We fight or she's cold to me. The next day she does something really nice and then denies it happend later. Or she'll make some attempt at reconciliation, and then say that never happened too. Or she'll try and tell me I'm the one whose crazy.

She keeps talking about wanting to seperate because that's how she feels "right now" and that she can't make predictions.

Is this the action walks and bullshit talks situations that everyone finds them selves in?

It's all very confusing. I also feel like things are falling apart around the house.. Maybe it's the depression. I got really worried this week when she spent money I had given her for clothes on her hair only to find out that there was no money for groceries.

I have encouraged her to keep going to counseling, I am focusing in being the best I can be right now. Ill have to call about counseling on Monday as the places were closed on Friday.

 

[Chris242]

We just talked about getting a divorce and how to split everything up. Took a break and we were just giggling about classic music for some odd reason.

I just told her I was going to pay for her to continue therapy. She wants to move into the second bedroom and well be living together at least until my son is 18, he would want to live with me and child support would cripple her finances.

So who knows.. Le sigh. We're getting a divorce, supposedly, but we're still best friends. Baffling.