Supporter Wife with ptsd, did, where do i belong...

[Deleted member 8714]

my wife has d.i.d. We've been married nearly 30 years... ....We were married for nearly 20 years before she got the diagnosis.

My husband and I have been married for 33 years in September this year. Unlike your situation, my husband got blindsided only four years into our marriage with my diagnoses of poly-fragmented DID and PTSD.

So, I'm not a therapist, just a husband who is fully committed to walking and carrying her when necessary thru this healing journey.

That's so commendable and a difficult journey on your part as well. Are you getting the support you need?

....extraordinary stress may bring back some of those symptoms

I can definitely attest to this occurring more than once. Just when I believe nothing else could jar me, something else does.

The first time occurred after nearly four years of no alters and no memories and my PTSD symptoms were less bothersome. My mother died in 2010. It was as if there had been no stabilization whatsoever. I had a flooding of memories just like the first time I entered therapy some 22 years before.

And recently, after my beloved dog died, I had alters emerge for the first time since my integration in 2006. I'm highly triggered by death. I didn't know this was part of being a ritual abuse survivor until I started therapy this last year with a trauma specialist. She informed me of this reality.

 

[SamRuck]

That's so commendable and a difficult journey on your part as well. Are you getting the support you need?

Hi Congruency...well I've made it for 30 years, so it must be 'enough' but that's part of why I'm on this site to see if I can get a little more.

My husband and I have been married for 33 years in September this year. Unlike your situation, my husband got blindsided only four years into our marriage with my diagnoses of poly-fragmented DID and PTSD.

Wow, I'm not sure I would have been mature enough 4 years into it, to handle things, but then sometimes I wish so much I had known and maybe we could have avoided so much unnecessary heartache because of our ignorance.

I can definitely attest to this occurring more than once. Just when I believe nothing else could jar me, something else does.

The first time occurred after nearly four years of no alters and no memories and my PTSD symptoms less bothersome. My mother died in 2010. It was as if there had been no stabilization whatsoever. I had a flooding of memories just like the first time I entered therapy some 22 years before.

And recently, after my beloved dog died, I had alters emerge for the first time since my integration in 2006. I'm highly triggered by death. I didn't know this was part of being a ritual abuse survivor until I started therapy this last year with a trauma specialist. She informed me of this reality.

I'm sorry. That's got to be hard. Yes, we lost our cat last spring, and I wasn't sure how the little girls would do. But fortunately we found a replacement Siamese kitten that has been phenomenal, and some of the girls almost expressed sorrow that they weren't more upset about losing the previous cat because they love the new one so much.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

We're getting a puppy very soon. No puppy could ever replace our beloved dog Bailey. He was special beyond special and we didn't know it until we started hearing about how extremely well socialized dogs are used for those who suffer from PTSD. I just heard another organization talk about how they search for dogs with the trait of being socialites. Our Bailey was one of those socialites. He loved people. Every person he met he had to look in their eyes. That's one of the traits these organizations look for in a potential PTSD dog. People tried to turn away and he'd catch their eyes in his and look deep into them. Many people have commented on that to my husband and me that they've never seen a dog do that.

Such a wonderful boy who always knew when I was having a panic or anxiety attack or even a flashback. He was there in an instant calming me down.

I remember Christmas 2012 when our other dog was dying, Bailey remained glued to my side as I tended to his half brother in the hallway outside my office. Bailey tended to me, knowing that I needed to be shadowed the whole time. He was amazing. I've never had a dog do this for me. Never a person.

 

[Rose White]

@SamRuck thank you for your thoughtful responses. As a survivor, I am trying not to feel astounded by your level of commitment. It doesn't help me or you to elevate you based on several paragraphs of text.

my wife...in her healing needs us to be celibate for her to feel safe..., and it's so hard

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This here might be a big reason why my marriage seems to be ending.

Attachment theory is ...only 'unorthodox' because the experts can't do what an SO or family member can do despite the experts using more and more attachment principles in their methods and literature.

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I feel you may be on to something here. I often feel that I would give anything to be securely attached to another adult. However, I am realizing that the relationship between T and I is unique among all my other adult relationships because I allow myself to be attached in spite of the fact that she is not reacting the way anyone else I’ve ever been “attached” to has. The reason I keep going back to her is that I can see the progress with my other relationships and with myself in spite of the “pain” of wanting her closer. She is like an enzyme, a catalyst, for change in my life, and that’s why I keep going back to her and trying to reach out to her even though the attachment feels weird and one-sided—I would not call it secure. However, that “different kind of attachment” is what seems to be keeping it going. My desire to be rescued is SO strong that T has to carefully balance support with distance or else I won’t believe that the changes are coming from me. That’s just my very limited experience. The idea of having a partner that I’m securely attached to seems almost other-worldly.

I have no idea how to have a relationship with an empathetic and committed supporter—either I’m resisting it or it’s just not there, I haven’t figured it out.

I am not diagnosed with DID. I cannot fathom the amount of work that you and your wife have put into this journey. I’m newly diagnosed PTSD and am really just beginning standing on my own two feet and take stock of my surroundings.

It sounds like you are clarifying your purpose for coming to the forum. You are looking for support from other DID supporters and you feel confident in your PTSD support skills and would be happy to share them with any other supporters who are curious. Is that right?

Have you seen the Supporter Diaries section? That might be a good place to work through some of the struggles that brought you here. You could also write extensively (if you feel inclined) about the PTSD journey, and that might inspire others who are just beginning or are in the middle of their journeys. I’ve noticed that when people feel that PTSD is behind them they tend to leave the forum, so you may not find too many others in that spot like you are, but they are here. Best of luck.

 

[SamRuck]

I just heard another organization talk about how they search for dogs with the trait of being socialites.

There is at least one internet group that supplies trauma victims with dogs specifically trained to help with ptsd and other issues. Not sure if that would be promoting to give their link so I won't give it, but you can probably find it if you really wanted.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

This here might be a big reason why my marriage seems to be ending.

I like SamRuck's wife need the same thing, celibacy. That's what my current T and I are going to work on in therapy. Though in our marriage celibacy hasn't been the entire time rather an on again off again situation. Though it's been a problem having sex for various reasons, i.e.; dissociation, flashbacks, alters, memories, etc. I only started to remember the sexual abuse in 2010 yet I've been therapy for 25 years.

supplies trauma victims with dogs specifically trained to help with ptsd and other issues

I'd rather train another one like our Bailey. Our puppy which we're getting soon is the same breed, Leonberger. They are a giant breed. So when they lean into you, you feel leaned into, believe me. :D It feels quite good to be leaned into by a 150 pound loving dog. And one of the natural behaviors of Leonbergers, as evidenced by the breed's nickname—"Lean-on Berger"—is they love to lean into their owners.

 

[SamRuck]

I like SamRuck's wife need the same thing, celibacy. That's what my current T and I are going to work on in therapy. Though in our marriage celibacy hasn't been the entire time rather an on again off again situation. Though it's been a problem having sex for various reasons, i.e.; dissociation, flashbacks, alters, memories, etc. I only started to remember the sexual abuse in 2010 yet I've been therapy for 25 years

Yes, my wife has had 3 different alters who required us to be temporarily celibate, each for different reasons. The first was her defender, and once I got her healed, safe and securely attached, she actually began to quickly mature to the point where she asked to be my girlfriend and then she asked for us to get engaged. The other two girls were 'littles'. But I got the first of them healed, safe and securely attached. And then she went from being terrified of me to the opposite direction and NEEDED to be physically (not sexually) attached to me non-stop. The last girl I'm still working with. She's come a long way. I just have to be patient and safe for her, and she'll get there. I've almost got here there now...

 

[SamRuck]

I feel you may be on to something here. I often feel that I would give anything to be securely attached to another adult. However, I am realizing that the relationship between T and I is unique among all my other adult relationships because I allow myself to be attached in spite of the fact that she is not reacting the way anyone else I’ve ever been “attached” to has. The reason I keep going back to her is that I can see the progress with my other relationships and with myself in spite of the “pain” of wanting her closer. She is like an enzyme, a catalyst, for change in my life, and that’s why I keep going back to her and trying to reach out to her even though the attachment feels weird and one-sided—I would not call it secure. However, that “different kind of attachment” is what seems to be keeping it going. My desire to be rescued is SO strong that T has to carefully balance support with distance or else I won’t believe that the changes are coming from me. That’s just my very limited experience. The idea of having a partner that I’m securely attached to seems almost other-worldly.

Yes, attachment with a therapist can be tricky because attachment is supposed to be two-way even between parent and small children, and the protocols for therapists are such that inhibit a full attachment. But I'm glad it is working for you, and I hope it continues to do so!

Of course you want to be rescued, most people do, and there's nothing wrong or shameful with that. In fact, when a person is drowning, that is NOT the time to teach 'empowerment'. I did rescue my wife, got her stabilized and healing, and now she is stretching her own wings. The deeper the trauma, the more it's natural to need greater help (i.e. 'rescuing') at first.

I have no idea how to have a relationship with an empathetic and committed supporter—either I’m resisting it or it’s just not there, I haven’t figured it out.

It takes time, and I had to earn my wife's trust each and every step of the way. I had to understand that's simply how a trauma victim is 'wired' and not take it personally.

It sounds like you are clarifying your purpose for coming to the forum. You are looking for support from other DID supporters and you feel confident in your PTSD support skills and would be happy to share them with any other supporters who are curious. Is that right?

Well, I really would be happy just to connect with other SO's. Just because my wife is past the ptsd stuff, doesn't mean I've forgotten how that feels. And I think they can understand the pain and heartache I have while still loving my spouse. And if any are interested in how we did things, I'd be happy to share more. I don't have all the answers, but my wife and I came out closer and stronger on the other side of things, and so I hope that means we did something right.

 

[Justmehere]

@SamRuck, I’m posting this as a member, not a moderator. This is not a critique, but an observation: you sound tired, exhausted, guarded, almost on edge, and you are taking on so much, more than even trained professionals can take on.

You say the support you have is enough, but yet describe very understandably fighting back tears when describing some of the painful realities of this task. Even when writing about your wife’s healing, you write about all you have done and nothing about anything she’s done. You’ve taken on a Herculean task doing all the healing work in this relationship, I’m concerned for you for your sake. Secondary trauma and burn out is a real risk supporters face - and that’s not because they are doing things right or wrong, but the simple reality of walking with a sufferer.

You matter. Your wellbeing matters. You are so focused on her and her healing, everyone else’s healing, you leave out any place for you and your needs.

In fact, when a person is drowning, that is NOT the time to teach 'empowerment'.

This is my perspective as a sufferer, using the drowning example:

I used to be a lifeguard. One of the things they teach in lifeguard training is that if we jump into the water with someone who is drowning, without support of our own, there is a good chance we will start drowning as well, and then there will be two victims of drowning, not just one. People who are drowning are in fight or flight mode, and they tend to drown lifeguards that jump in with the drowning person without any help to stay afloat. It’s not done maliciously, but out of sheer desperation to stay alive.

To rescue a drowning person, lifeguards are taught to have a support with us to stay afloat, like a rescue tube (a long float) that we throw to the drowning person. Then they can grab onto it while we pull them in, and/or use it to hang on to and stay afloat ourselves.

Same applies for being a supporter of someone with a mental illness.

Ever flown on an airplane? The safety drills on airplanes emphasize the importance of putting on your own oxygen mask before doing so for someone else. Why? Because if someone first puts it on someone else, there’s a good chance they’ll pass out before they do it for the other person, and then there will be two victims. Not just one.

Instead, if someone puts on their own oxygen mask, they are likely to be able to breathe enough to save the other person as well.

The tools I was given as a PTSD sufferer when I have been drowning have been incredibly valuable and life saving. Even more so, the support my own therapist and supporters have for themselves, has been really important for them to stay afloat.

Even traumatized kids need some empowerment and don’t heal unless they do part of the work.

You are clear you have your path to “get her healed” and won’t be deterring from it. So be it. That’s up for you and your wife to decide.

You are also clear that you are looking for support for you, and that’s good.... yet at the same time, when you are asked what that support looks like, that support seems to be you giving advice to others on how they can do it your unique way.

It’s back to you giving support one way, not getting it from others.

So here’s a question to consider: when and where do your needs and understandable heartache and struggle get to show up?

I keep hoping to find a group where I'm allowed to be who I am and contribute what we've learned but also find support for the stress that trauma issues bring to a marriage.

I want to gently challenge you to consider describing more about the issues that you don’t have all figured out, or what your needs are that are going unmet, and perhaps describing more about the heartache you are experiencing.

That might help folks to better be able to support you, and for you to be less isolated in this journey.

It’s been one way with your wife. You are giving, giving, giving. Peer support, which is what this site is about, works best (in my unofficial opinion) when it’s not always one way, but two ways. Where sometimes folks support you, not just you giving advice to them.

It’s something I hope you consider. Of course, if it’s not helpful to you, like others mentioned, take what’s helpful and disregard the rest.

 

[SamRuck]

This is not a critique, but an observation

how they can do it your unique way

@Justmehere , I've thought and thought and thought about your reply. I know you meant well. I've read it until I could see past the long critique that you made on my views of 'rescuing' and 'empowerment'. But I just think it goes back to your summation of things as 'my unique way' of doing things. The gulf between us, me and the majority on this forum, is too big to bridge. So much of what I've done to help my wife heal is a refutation of the 'prevailing knowledge' for abuse victims. It doesn't matter that I can point to attachment theory, or neural plasticity or other things. It doesn't matter that she is in a great place and moving forward. It doesn't matter that she and I have made it thru the worst of things and at this point our lives are pretty calm as we wait for girl#8 to finish securely attaching to me so I can begin the process of connecting her to the others and end the dissociation.

None of wife's progress matters, because if I mention 'boundaries' that stirs up a storm, or rescuing, or empowerment, or permanently healing trauma memories, and the list goes on. I don't want an 'echo chamber' as someone accused me, but it's not 'supportive' when nearly everything I've used to help my wife heal sets off alarms to just too many people who only know the 'prevailing method.' And I'm just not up to that fight. I'd be happy to set up a thread where we could debate the merits of what I've done and how it actually works, but it's simply not 'supportive' to have so many of the comments I make pounced on by 'keepers of the status quo.' The community standards may say "To contribute thoughtfully and celebrate diversity within the community" but just like here in America we only 'celebrate diversity' if it's the kind of diversity we find acceptable.

It was nice to be validated by the 2 ladies who understood their need for temporary celibacy. That's the #1 overwhelming struggle I have right now...but maybe there aren't any other SO's giving up sex when there's a clash of 'needs' since none of them chimed in. I saved myself for my wife...and our sex life has sucked for 30 years...and I'm getting older and all I can think is what I gave up to stick with her, and as much as I love her, it hurts like h3ll. All the other stuff I can deal with, but the bombardment of sexual images by our culture when the BEST we ever had was infrequent 'kindergarten sex' is a struggle I have NEVER overcome and that constantly seeks to pull me under. So I did share; you just missed it, and that's ok. The rest of the stuff, eh, a spouse with a quadriplegic mate or some other massive form of debilitating disease has it worse than me..that other stuff, once I got my head on straight, really doesn't bother me.
Sam

 

[Suzetig]

.but maybe there aren't any other SO's giving up sex when there's a clash of 'needs' since none of them chimed in.

There are a significant number of people on the boards who are celibate to support their spouses - I'm guessing they haven't contributed because they've read part of the thread and decided they had nothing to contribute. If you were to start a thread specifically around the challenges of intimacy in a relation with a sufferer you'd get some responses that you would deem supportive.

Also worth having a look at the anonymous boards for stuff around sex life bevause folk tend to post there when it's something as personal.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

My husband isn't on this forum only me. He has sacrificed his sexual desires and needs in order for me to heal. He's told me again and again that he loves me and that he'd do anything for me. I've got my proof in that he supports me no matter what.

And when my new T asked if my husband would attend therapy with me, I told her last week that he 100% would do whatever it takes for me to heal. Period. And he has. My T was shocked to hear the good news. She told me previously that most husbands are unwilling to tow the line and do whatever it takes. So I'm grateful to be married to someone who will and does.