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Oh yes, been through that numerous times. I even offered to leave him so he could get his needs met. He said no way!even when I am beating myself up over not meeting his needs.
If you had really read my blog, you would know that she and I are in this together. I don't ever do anything with one girl 'secretly.' That's NOT the way to have a marriage. I'm sorry you didn't like what your husband did, but my wife, all my girls, regularly tell me I am the most healing thing in their life. And even if they don't understand some of the theory behind how I help them, they certainly enjoy the practice of it because I'm am NOT their therapist in any traditional kind of way. I simply weave a life together with them that pulls and attracts all 8 of the girls closer to me and closer to each other.She may also resent you for your methods
I guess that's the difference between me and you. I don't think my wife is 'mentally ill and vulnerable'. I have always treated her as my equal with full agency. She is the most beautiful and intelligent person I know, especially as she has healed and begun to connect deeply to the other girls. I am sorry that your experience makes you unable to appreciate the way we are doing things.she is very mentally ill and vulnerable
I'm sure I won't change your mind, but I have read extensively of the 'expert' literature. It's not out of reach for anyone who cares to see what they think...and if you read it, critically, you would see they really don't know what they are doing. They are doing the best they can't, but with limited access. I have 100% access to my wife's system, and what she and I have accomplished together is beyond anything ISSTD even believes is possible. So, if you are happy with your healing, I'm truly am glad for you and your husband. But my wife and I wanted a lot more than any of the 'specialists' could offer us.why not take her to a specialist for the opportunity for complete recovery
From what I've read in your replies, I'm not sure I agree. I think many of us, with or without having read the literature (or even had professional training *cough*), employ many of the strategies you speak of. I think the "gulf" you speak of is not so much in the methods we use, it's in the people we are partnered with. I said somewhere else on this site that your approach is envy-inducing. Not so much because of the methods you employ, but because your spouse seems to be cooperative in a way that has allowed you to grow closer throughout this experience. You're lucky. No matter how rigidly we applied attachment theory and other useful tools, many of us supporters would get nowhere with our sufferers simply because they are wired quite differently than your wife.But as always the gulf between our method of her healing and everyone else seems too great.
I think it's phrases like these that raise people's alarm bells on here. For our own emotional and psychological safety, most of us are in the business of realizing and understanding that we can't "get to heal" our partners no matter how much we'd like to.But I got the first of them healed, safe and securely attached.
I wish my partner had a tenth of your insight and your drive to support her.
At the end of the day...not "getting" my partner to heal is not so much an active step against codependency, but a step toward healing my OWN attachment problems (holding on despite myself, needing to be needed, needing to control other people's behavior, etc.,) which broadens my growth beyond this relationship. You may call this an outgrowth of our independence obsessed culture, I call it growing up.