Will I Always Remain Depressed???

[J_trustno1]

I have been diagnosed with depression from the age of 16, but had anxiety even from the age of 7 or younger as far as I can remember.

Been on antidepressants for over 11 yrs on and off and continuously from 2.5 yrs. I've been therapy for almost 3 years and with a new counselor because the previous on retired. I have been re-triggered by this guy who I only saw for less than 2 months and he verbally, sexually and emotional abused me.

I am now back to square one and back to same point I was 3 yrs ago. I have insomnia, crying spells, want to die, feel that I probably deserve to be treated this way and that's why I get bad treatment everywhere. I am a the point where i feel worthless and throwing all the past information to people without even asking. I'm back to being vulnerable.

It feels like hell and I now feel that I will never heal because I'm back to where I started :( :cry: :( :cry: :depressed:

 

[Hope69]

I'm so sorry you feel this way, I know that place. Here's the thing, it has come and gone for me. In my case, depression is preceded by specific events and therefore not a random occurrence. So I believe that healing those experiences leads to healing the depression. I also believe that the brain can rewire. THe fact that I was able to come out of depression means that it is possible. Even though I'm in a "stuck" place, I have hope(and I also ended up back to where I started 12 years ago, but I got through it then, so I can again) Its discouraging and exhausting, but I truly believe we can get better.
A few things that have helped me understand both the cause and possible cure are understanding attachment disorders, because along with abuse and neglect, the self soothing part of the brain does not develop as it should. I also researched neurofeedback in the treatment of PTSD and developmental trauma, and have been working with a neuropsych to rewire certain parts of my brain , the parts dealing with emotional regulation, disrupted thought patterns, and anxiety.
I don't know the specifics of your experience, but I am holding hope for you and also letting you know that you are not alone as I know too well what that black dog feels like. Its not who you are, its just what happens to a brain thats been overloaded. :hugs:

 

[Linda6]

I'm so sorry you feel this way, I know that place. Here's the thing, it has come and gone for me. In my...

Beautiful words of hope! ♡

 

[Sally Fielding]

If you'd like my advice, think about this. Experiencing intense pain and depression and wanting to commit suicide are all happening to make you really appreciate the good moments to come. And I'm sure you will be much more grateful and enjoy the future because you have experienced the extreme opposite. I remind myself of this often, and it always helps me get through the darkness. The darkness always passes. Sometimes it comes back, but it always passes.

I've felt like that myself too for a long time. If this is any help, remember that it's always possible to feel great happiness and joy, no matter how long or how often you've been depressed. I know it might not feel like that at the moment, but I've had many regressions and it feels as though nothing ever changes, but it does. It can. I spent years when I eat only one or two meals a day and spent most of the day just walking the streets, and I slowly recovered.

I've been in an abusive relationship too, but there are so many good kind people out there who will love you and someone out there who will understand. Sometimes you have to go through complete hell to really appreciate the goodness. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going.