Will I ever be able to feel safe again?

[BlueWeepingRose]

I want to be able to feel safe again, for me it's scary. My ex was a Narcissist. I know not everyone is like this, but sometimes I overthink too much and constantly feel fear, not able to know who to trust. There's some days where I feel okay. Than I get triggered by words and I cry and panic. As I am crying, I have to convince myself that I'm okay until I calm down. My body feels so weak, so tired, so exhausted by everything. Sometimes I feel so lost and as I am getting help, it's scary to mention what happened and what went on in my relationship. Once I think I freaked out my therapist, simply because of how he was and how he treated me. I won't mention them because I rather not speak about it again.

The whole time I was blinded by things and didn't see things straight. Didn't even realize I was being abused. This is the scary thing, because this is how far I was gone, I remember feeling so numb inside and unable to feel anything. As I was healing, I felt so numb. All I wanted was to feel something again. As I started to make friends again and talk to people, allow people into my life... as I got triggered, again I felt unsafe, as if I was going to get hurt again. This is how scared I am. Will I ever feel safe again? Be able to trust again and not always look for motives behind people's words and if they say something that reminds me of my ex. It's so scary, I'm scared. I'll never mention what triggers me to others. Instead I just end up crying when I am alone, too scared to open up about it and tell them. I just am so tired of feeling like this and getting triggered by things. I've been healing for almost 2 years now and I hope these triggers subside. I just want to be able to feel safe again and not always have some fear. I hope there's someone out there who understands how I feel.

 

[osiris]

@BlueWeepingRose it sounds like you feel very alone right now.
Reaching out and sharing here is a good thing to do, even if it’s to help you feel like you’re not alone. People here have your back and will listen, and many people understand the kind of feelings are you describing. It’s a safe space.

Healing is individual for everyone, and I have had times in my life when I felt less afraid and fearful than I currently do; which gives me hope that there can be better times for you ahead.

Hang in there.

 

[Crazyme]

I want to be able to feel safe again, for me it's scary. My ex was a Narcissist. I know not everyone is like this, but sometimes I overthink too much and constantly feel fear, not able to know who to trust. There's some days where I feel okay. Than I get triggered by words and I cry and panic. As I am crying, I have to convince myself that I'm okay until I calm down. My body feels so weak, so tired, so exhausted by everything. Sometimes I feel so lost and as I am getting help, it's scary to mention what happened and what went on in my relationship. Once I think I freaked out my therapist, simply because of how he was and how he treated me. I won't mention them because I rather not speak about it again.

The whole time I was blinded by things and didn't see things straight. Didn't even realize I was being abused. This is the scary thing, because this is how far I was gone, I remember feeling so numb inside and unable to feel anything. As I was healing, I felt so numb. All I wanted was to feel something again. As I started to make friends again and talk to people, allow people into my life... as I got triggered, again I felt unsafe, as if I was going to get hurt again. This is how scared I am. Will I ever feel safe again? Be able to trust again and not always look for motives behind people's words and if they say something that reminds me of my ex. It's so scary, I'm scared. I'll never mention what triggers me to others. Instead I just end up crying when I am alone, too scared to open up about it and tell them. I just am so tired of feeling like this and getting triggered by things. I've been healing for almost 2 years now and I hope these triggers subside. I just want to be able to feel safe again and not always have some fear. I hope there's someone out there who understands how I feel.

Hi there. I know exactly how you feel. I too was in an emotionally abusive relationship and it took me a long time to understand what was happening and get out of there. I've been gone from him for 3 years, thought I was healed about 6 months ago, and then when I started to see someone that I was really interested in I started to have dreadful panic attacks. I tried a new therapist who immediately told me that I had PTSD and that by talking about the bad past, I was traumatizing myself. She insisted that I get EMDR with a woman, not a man. Before all the shit show started in this country, I had 2 sessions with her and suddenly my panic attacks when I spoke to the new guy subsided. I would have liked very much to continue the treatments, but due to financial concerns I postponed until June. She was willing to do the treatment by video on my computer. I hope this information helps you and I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Friday]

I've been healing for almost 2 years now and I hope these triggers subside. I just want to be able to feel safe again and not always have some fear.

There have been a whole lot of studies done on various kinds of relationships. One of the more interesting pieces, IMO? Found time and time again, across countless studies, in myriad situations/cultures... It takes an average of 2-5 years for an average person -with no disorder whatsoever- to recover from a single event of simple broken trust (like cheating/adultery, or theft, etc.). Timeline is the same whether they end the relationship or reconcile. 2-5 years from the time of the last betrayal. It’s one of the many reasons normal relationship problems don’t rise to PTSD levels. Because there is a distinct timeline.

You’re not talking about normal relationship problems, but full on abuse, both life threatening & ongoing; the complete mindf*ck that is domestic violence; ...and (if I’m remembering correctly? as if that weren’t enough :facepalm: ) rape & sexual assault.

Hon. Normal people. Normal relationship problems. 2-5 years.

You. With PTSD. Life threatening trauma and sexual assault. Cut yourself some slack!!! :D What you’re going through is a helluva lot more complicated, and profoundly far reaching. It’s gonna take a bit of time, but while that sucks? It’s also perfectly okay. Normal problems are expected to start sorting themselves out around the 2 year mark. It’s expected that the things you’re working on, and going through? Are going to take a bit longer. And, quite frankly? Look at how far you’ve come in only 2 years! You’re doing really, really well. And I strongly suspect will be able to achieve anything you put your mind to. Including no longer being afraid, and having trust in people, again.

 

[osiris]

@Friday this is a really helpful post. Thanks.

 

[BlueWeepingRose]

Hi there. I know exactly how you feel. I too was in an emotionally abusive relationship and it took me a long time to understand what was happening and get out of there. I've been gone from him for 3 years, thought I was healed about 6 months ago, and then when I started to see someone that I was really interested in I started to have dreadful panic attacks. I tried a new therapist who immediately told me that I had PTSD and that by talking about the bad past, I was traumatizing myself. She insisted that I get EMDR with a woman, not a man. Before all the shit show started in this country, I had 2 sessions with her and suddenly my panic attacks when I spoke to the new guy subsided. I would have liked very much to continue the treatments, but due to financial concerns I postponed until June. She was willing to do the treatment by video on my computer. I hope this information helps you and I will keep you in my prayers.

The panic attacks start for me too, anytime I am interested in anyone new.... I will have horrible anxiety attacks and my whole body begins shaking and I feel like I can't breathe. I'm glad you posted this up. This makes me realize I am not alone and that it's normal. So thank you. I will bring this up to my new therapist when I get one.