Will I Ever Find Someone That Understands?

[Jovie]

I'm sure someone has already posted on this topic as I know that it's very common among the PTSD community, but I guess it's my turn to vent. Most of my issues have represented themselves in relationships with other people, friends, boyfriends, co workers, etc. I've just pushed away another person due to my emotional outbursts that I randomly have, the thing is.. it's like it's not me doing it, like when I'm in a deep state of sadness all of these emotions come up and I feel hopeless/helpless and all I can do is think about how this or that person is hurting me. I'm saddened that I've destroyed another friendship, I don't have many as is. But in those moments I feel like a difference person, when I woke up this morning I felt different, like my normal, fully functioning self was in control but I also knew the damage I had done could not be repaired, it was too late and it was time to face the music. Is it possible to be two people? I'm living a double life and all I can hope for is that one day I wake up and start living one life, my real life, whatever that is.

I crave for someone to understand me, someone to connect with, but I'm afraid that's Impossible since there isn't a me to begin with.

 

[Ted Moen]

Well Jovie, I'm pretty sure there is a you to begin with. There's you who's pretty much more or less normal busy getting your current needs met in your current situation. And then there's you when you are acting out the intense feelings you buried when you were doing what you had to do to survive the abnormal situation(s), the old stuff that keeps interfering. Life is a series of explosions, and inbetween it's damage control and picking up the pieces until we get the support we need to help us learn not to act on the intense feelings in our current situation, not only not to act on the intense feelings but to act as we would have if we weren't experiencing the intense feelings in our current situation so we get our current needs met.

So anyway, welcome to the forum Jovie. It's all about learning to live a little better with ptsd each day.

Ted

 

[m3s4]

I know how you feel. It becomes easier and easier to push people away when something sets off that trigger.

I had a falling-out with my best friend since high-school, a 20 year relationship. Things got so bad one day there was almost a physical altercation, first time ever. I had to find and use every bit of self-control or I would have punched him
in the mouth that day. We still haven't spoke since I moved out in October of last year.

To top it off, after my events, my gf of 3 years wanted to get married. Sounds good right? Wrong. I kept pushing her away...Keep in mind this is a person that had my back through thick and thin, through both of my traumatic experiences and who believed in me and gave me strength when I couldn't find my own.

So what did I do to repay her? I Pushed her away. I shut down. I let the numbness inside of me over-power and overcome me. Anyone in their right mind would have jumped at the opportunity to get married and begin a new, rejuvenated life. Not me. I was living life like a ghost, haunting myself and tuning out everything that used to be important. I was trapped in myself. I didn't know how to relate my feelings to anyone, not even my gf. I tried, but she didn't understand. The less she understood, the more I pushed her away. I used to think to myself, "Karri had my back when it mattered, but now that she feels life has to go on, why can't she see my life is stuck and it CAN'T go on?" The battle wasn't over for me, but for her it was.

We ended up going our separate ways, because of me - because of what happened to me. I lost my best friend and girl due to Ptsd and I continue to lose connections with friends and associates because my life is still stuck.

So I completely understand your situation. There's days I feel great, like everything is fine, but that will never bring back what I lost because the wounds have been inflicted and the damage has been done. When I think about that, the numbness comes back to deal with the pain, and it's like I'm right back at square one.

 

[Jovie]

m3s4, I can definitely relate. I think I just got so frustrated that he didn't see what I saw and couldn't understand me, I ended up getting so upset that I just let my mouth run until there was nothing to left to say/do but walk away, but this is the problem with most people I try to have a close relationship with, I'm either too attached or too detached, they both lead to the same thing, another relationship destroyed and more shame/loneliness for me.

 

[m3s4]

Totally understand.

It's no wonder so many of us end up isolating ourselves - because there's not too many people that actually understand, let alone attempt to care and there's a huge difference between the two.

Just try and avoid feeling ashamed - you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

 

[Sterre]

I'm either too attached or too detached, they both lead to the same thing, another relationship destroyed and more shame/loneliness for me.

Yeah, I can definitly relate to that! Everytime it happens I felt more guilt and selfhatered, so now for the time being I just isolate myself and maintain two friendships at a very superficial level. I cannot stand to push someone away anymore, or feel like I am not understood, so for the time being I isolate and try to enjoy myself.

It's sad but I dont want to go trough another failurefriendship again.
I try to accept that this is it for the time being, untill I feel more strenght to try again, and again. Someday it will work out just fine, that will be the case for you too Jovie.

 

[heidi]

It sounds a little bit BPDish to me. Just the thinking that people are hurting you. Being
sensitive.. punishing them in return. I have read some new research that maybe BPD could be connected to PTSD.

And people really don't understand. Counselors don't even understand. I think the only person who will ever understand is the person in your everyday life.

 

[Jovie]

yeah, I'm sure I have some BPD characteristics but they're in no way extreme. I'm well aware that I push people away and hurt them and myself at the same time, doesn't mean it isn't difficult when I realize what's happened and it's simply too late to mend.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Great. BPD connected to PTSD. As if we need more traumitization.

 

[AMA]

Hi Jovie - I'm pretty new at this forum thing, but I wanted to let you know that I, too feel a huge amount of shame, guilt, and loneliness from pushing everyone away. I cannot get through a day without feeling completely misunderstood and forgotten. I realize that these feelings are a product of my own actions, and from there a vicious cycle is created.

It is a huge comfort to know that someone else in the world has felt what I feel, though I am very sorry for the pain that you are going through. Thank you for sharing. All my best to you.

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