Will I Ever Get Better?

[Douleur]

First solo trip since I was raped three years ago. I haven't been able to sleep and have been extra vigilant. Feeling pretty fragile. Feel like a burden and crazy. So tired of dealing with this and though I am seeing a therapist, I feel like I'm never going to get better. Have a loving husband, but the rest of the world is a scary place to navigate these days. Having a hard time trusting myself and others. I was raped by a cousin I don't know and have been told I likely have had PTSD for a long time, as I was molested by an older cousin when I was 4.

 

[amethist]

Hi Douleur

Welcome to the forum.

You will get better, but it will take time, there is no quick fix with PTSD. Your therapist should help you with the worst of how this effects you, as well as teaching you how to manage your PTSD issues.

There is a lot of information available on here, as well as support and advice. You could also check out the SSA Forum too, which has members who have suffered in similar ways to your own. You can reach that by clicking on the blue link at the bottom of this reply.

Take care, it does get easier in time.

Amethist

 

[Douleur]

Thanks for your quick and kind response. I usually am shy about online forums, but feel at the end of my rope. The rape was three years ago and I simply thought I would be past the symptoms by now. It is so hard to understand what I am going through. I feel like few others can comprehend the inner turmoil that I am experiencing still. I had to say goodbye to a friend just now who has essentially told me to snap out of it. I really wish I could. Thank you for suggesting the SSA forum, as well. I want to believe it will get better. It's so hard to see that right now.

 

[Lionheart]

I want to believe it will get better. It's so hard to see that right now.

Welcome to the forum Douleur :),

I remember a time when I did not believe it would get better. I had to force myself to go to therapy. I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I literally prayed to die because the pain and darkness was so overwhelming. When I wasn't overwhelmed, I felt numb. I had to go on suicide watch several times as a psychiatric inpatient. Gradually, almost without my noticing at first, I began to have little moments of clarity and peace. Little by little, step by step, I began to heal until one day I did not recognize myself because I had changed so much.

I know it is hard to see from where you are right now, but it will get better if you just stick to a healing path.

My best to you,
Lionheart

 

[Douleur]

Welcome to the forum Douleur :),

I remember a time when I did not believe it would get better. I had to force myself to go to therapy. I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I literally prayed to die because the pain and darkness was so overwhelming. When I wasn't overwhelmed, I felt numb. I had to go on suicide watch several times as a psychiatric inpatient. Gradually, almost without my noticing at first, I began to have little moments of clarity and peace. Little by little, step by step, I began to heal until one day I did not recognize myself because I had changed so much.

I know it is hard to see from where you are right now, but it will get better if you just stick to a healing path.

My best to you,
Lionheart

Thanks, Lionheart.

Yeah, the prospect of death doesn't sound too awful these days. The odd contradiction is the fact that I love life so much. I just wish sometimes that someone, something would be gracious enough to eliminate this pain for me. I had to leave work for three months in the fall, during which I stayed with my sister in a different city. My psychiatrist had my sister take away anti-anxiety medication because I admitted I was inclined to overdose. Good lord, I hope I get to this point of clarity and peace, which you mention. I am forcing myself to try to live these days, but it is so impossibly hard at times. I have talked with my husband about ending our marriage. It almost seems better to be by myself, than to have to also let someone else endure my pain. I feel silly for saying that, as I know I should feel lucky to have someone stand by me through this all. I thought I was up to traveling for a conference, but I was very much mistaken. I'm terrified of having to leave my hotel room and get on a plane, even though it means I will get to return to the relative safety of home.

 

[Iam]

Hi Douler,

Welcome to the forum. You have been very brave in sharing what you've been and are going thru. The forum is a great place to find the support you need. Most of us feel like nobody understands.....here on the forum, you'll find many that do truly understand right where you are at. There is lots of good info on the Wiki pages too.

I have been in that dark place that you are in and wondered if I would ever get out of it. As Lionheart said, we get better little by little. Sometimes 2 steps forward 1 back. Sometimes it even feels like we are right back where we started, but overall, we move ahead. Suddenly we have a good day, then a good week, then a good month and oh does it feel good ;o)

Keep doing the hard work in therapy. Post and read here in the forum. It will pay off in the end!

 

[Kintsugi]

Welcome to the forum Douleur,

I too was abused at age four by a relative and had traumas later in life. You are not alone. I am sorry that you are suffering. I hope that this space helps you to find peace and move toward a place of stability, happiness, healthfulness, management, and healing.

 

[purple butterfly]

Take care
this is a safe place and people do care

 

[Douleur]

Thankful for the words of encouragement. Just about lost it in a cab this afternoon to try to get a standby flight back home. I find being alone with men anxiety provoking. I hate how I feel these days, essentially weak have tried so hard to prove to myself that I am strong and I feel like that has been taken away.