Undiagnosed Witnessed Death Online

[es88]

May I state it's with great guilt that I post today - After reading some of the experiences on this forum I feel I really have nothing to grumble about.

Over 10 years ago (aged 14) I witnessed a pretty violent death, not in person but actually online. I have never talked about this or even posted it online.

I recall having a pretty severe reaction to the video. 10 years later, I continue to struggle in large crowds and have regular panic attacks, daily flashbacks, along with some fainting spells owing to my biological reaction to the 'trauma'. I can't maintain effective relationships with my partner, friends or family and have gradually spiralled into depression.

Along with this I have constant feelings of anger, disconnection and struggle to concentrate on daily tasks.

The reason I haven't sought help is down to the fact that so many experience much worse things first hand and I should be able to cope with it, making me feel incredibly weak and above all, guilty.

I'm now at a stage where I'm unsure how to proceed. I still maintain that many go through much worse and still manage to cope without help and I am unsure whether my symptoms do indeed reflect the behaviour of somebody with PTSD.

 

[intothelight]

Hi es88,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum!

To really proceed and map a course for addressing the symptoms that disrupt your daily life, I would suggest getting a professional diagnosis as a first step. Knowing what you are dealing with is important so that you and a therapist (or other mental health professional) can set a course of action. Following is a link to an article you may find helpful.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/self-diagnosis-is-not-an-option.13882[/DLMURL]

There is a lot of information on this site for dealing with specific symptoms, and the support here is wonderful as you work towards healing.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Venusian]

((es88))), there is no worse than or less than here. You witnessed a trauma and it was a real thing and it affected you in a real way. I am sorry that you are struggling.

We are all struggling with the same symptoms to varying degrees, learning from each other and supporting each other.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[safenow]

Hi es,

Welcome to the PTSD forum.

May I say that you should never justify what you feel by other people. What effects one person might not even phase another person. We each have our own limits on what we can handle.

I recommend you find a good therapist who can help you to process what you saw. I'm sorry that you were affected by what you saw. I'm glad it was not in person where you were there. I know I can't watch certain things because it triggers me, and my mind goes back to the real thing. That's why I don't own a television.

Once you are able to process what you saw, you will begin to feel better, and will lose that guilt. And just so you know, just because we should be able to cope with things, doesn't mean we can cope with them. Right now, I'm upset over someone calling me and not speaking, only breathing heavily into the phone. People keep telling me to laugh and just get over it. Just hang up on them. But that's because they don't know last year I had a stalker who ended up in my apartment and he set my place to blow up when I plugged in my wheelchair.

Now the reality is, I should be able to cope with a bad phone call, right? We all struggle in our own ways. So please, don't feel bad that you took that video so seriously.

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. You will find lots of good people here. As well as lots of good information. Take some good cleansing breathes when you begin to feel anxious. In through your nose, slowly and deeply. Hold it a couple of seconds, then release it through your mouth. Completely. Do this several times, and it will calm you down.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Abstract]

Hi,

I am sorry that you feel such shame about your symptoms and reactions. There are very many reasons we react like we do and none of them are your fault. Never speaking about something after it occurs and not having support after are some of things that stops us from healing.

I would encourage you to go to a psychiatrist for a proper evaluation. Regardless of if this is or isn't PTSD you are obviously traumatised and deserve help. And witnessing a death is a potentially traumatic event. Good luck.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I know you can't just 'wish' guilt away. My therapist says I'm a walking 'guilt detector' and if there is something I can feel guilt about, I will take it on. That being said; your feelings are REAL and VALID! Holding them in, or telling yourself that your experience "wasn't as bad as others" can make it all worse.

What you experienced was REAL, and you deserve REAL help, and treatment. Good for you, coming here to research your feelings, and find support!

Blessings being sent your way!:tup:

AKJ

 

[nimkekaa]

May I state it's with great guilt that I post today

I think that a lot of people with PTSD suffer with guilt and the guilt just compounds the issues. I believe that anyone with a heart would be affected at seeing death. Police officers, and military personal are trained on how to process things like this and they have access to councellors. (or should have if I'm wrong)

You were 14 years old, just a child, and helpless and dependent on the world that all of a sudden became much more scary after what you witnessed. Your reactions are normal, for you, the caring individual that you are. It would actually be more disturbing, in my mind, if what you saw did not bother you.

There is lots of information and support on this forum. I'm glad you found it.

Welcome!

 

[winterose]

May I state it's with great guilt that I post today - After reading some of the experiences on this forum I feel I really have nothing to grumble about.

First let me welcome you. You were 14 and faced with a huge life changing experience that most adults struggle with. If anything it shows your compassion and your value for life and empathy. IMO. I am glad you posted and are here. Many here have given excellent advice about seeing someone in addition to various articles on the site. Get as much support as you can from various resources. It makes a difference in our healing. Stay Strong. :)

 

[Tribulations]

Welcome Es88, like others have already stated. There is no this or that, it's all trauma and it all means something to us which affects us. Don't feel ashamed or guilty for it, and I hope you find the same comfort here as many of us have.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.