Relationship Wives/gf's And Combat Ptsd: Another Book Recommendation

[Navy Spouse]

I wish my husband would open up and share it all! I want to know what it was that has caused so much pain.

First day of school for the kids. He came and saw them off and we went out to breakfast. Nice! Especially considering I can't remember the last time we had a few hours alone.

Now I feel like crap though because I guess I expected more out of our time together than what he could give. I was hoping he would open up and share and we could have a good conversation.(Once we returned home) That didn't happen though. Now I'm mad at myself because I started to cry when he left. I'm pissed because he'll be done with his therapy appointment at 5:30 and the kids will have to tell him about their 1st day back to school over the phone because he'll return to his own place. On top of that because of work we won't see hide or hair of him for the next 2 weeks.

I know I'm probably sounding petty. Being patient isn't easy though and I'm getting tired of apologizing for my feelings. It's hard to have the same feelings I've always had, have the man I Love return and look the same but have things so different then what they were. I think I could live with the mood swings, its the living a part that just kills me.

I'm very thankful that he came out for the kids first day of school he didn't have to do that. I didn't expect it. I guess I'm just mostly mad at myself for expecting to much out of a few hours together and breaking down when he left because I felt like I ruined the time we had.

 

[LoyalOne]

Hey, Zipperhead - I'll / we'll listen to whatever you want to unload. I know it's not the same, but hopefully it will take some of the pressure off.

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Time tables are funny things. I really can't deny that I've been showing some serious symptoms since 2008. I even acknowledged some of them at the time, but said "it will pass." Now that I've admitted that I was a "Small Part" of my problem (why is everyone laughing?), I want it fixed NOW. Budget constraints and scheduling issues are not my fault. I know I'm hard to deal with, but my wife would appreciate if you could find the old me and send him home. How's that sound.

There are stats (not my strong point) that show PTSD often doesn't emerge until many years after the event(s). The feelings of horrror, guilt and shame are overwhelming. It 's so personal, how must it feel when you have no control over these thoughts and feelings, spiralling out of control. I honestly can't imagine that level of emotional pain, how could I, I haven't experienced first hand those traumatic events. How could you begin to tell anyone about those feelings, my husband thought he was going mad.

However, I think it's unhelpful to try to put time tables on the recovery process (recovery itself is a very misunderstood concept). Time tables can only really be applied retrospectively. Therapy and processing needs time and it is imposssible to prescribe how long it will take. A bit at a time.

Just my thoughts (hard to write about). x

 

[Zipperhead]

A time table here is very subjective. Therapy will only go as fast as I am willing to let it. Visible movement toward the end goal would be nice though. An appointment every 8 or 9 days seems slow especially after waiting 3 months to get into the clinic after referal. I think we are missing the point here though. It's not about therapy here. It's about how to communicate. How to tell our loved ones how we feel, and show them we care and want to know how they feel to.

This thread is about books that might help the supporters understand. I personnally feel that your partners are still there, wanting to share, but scared of rejection. I think that's why the fight starts every time I try to communicate with my wife. I think I know she supports me, and yet when I try to share, I run. And she has seen fit to give me lots of incidents that support my conviction that she doesn't care. How many of these were in response to me being defensive? How many were perceived and not intended as rejection? How many was just the PTSD playing mind games with me? It matters not. My perception is my reality. Reality bites.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

I did finish the book, and she does end it with her dealings on PTSD, how she couldn't leave her apartment, she drank too much, smoked pot, all in an attempt to drown out what she saw and experienced. She does talk about her abusive ex-Marine boyfriend and how that relationship was violent and ugly.

You could tell the book was cathartic for her to write. She touches a lot on how close she and her fellow Marines were - the family atmosphere amongst her small group - which is another thing we civilians always find so difficult to understand.

Once again, this book isn't for those who get wobbly knees at the mere mention of "blood". I have no answers to prevent anything, just another nugget of learning to put in my ptsd knapsack.

 

[Three Kids mum]

A time table here is very subjective. Therapy will only go as fast as I am willing to let it. Visible movement toward the end goal would be nice though. An appointment every 8 or 9 days seems slow especially after waiting 3 months to get into the clinic after referal. I think we are missing the point here though. It's not about therapy here. It's about how to communicate. How to tell our loved ones how we feel, and show them we care and want to know how they feel to.

This thread is about books that might help the supporters understand. I personnally feel that your partners are still there, wanting to share, but scared of rejection. I think that's why the fight starts every time I try to communicate with my wife. I think I know she supports me, and yet when I try to share, I run. And she has seen fit to give me lots of incidents that support my conviction that she doesn't care. How many of these were in response to me being defensive? How many were perceived and not intended as rejection? How many was just the PTSD playing mind games with me? It matters not. My perception is my reality. Reality bites.

What type of treatment program are you in, inpatient or outpatient? Are you working on CBT or expsoure therapy with your group?

I'm just curious as my spouse did fairly well in inpatient, but when it came to his own vices he didn't go to outpatient and thus had another "episode" is what I call them, when he forgets all of the tools they provided him with. It makes it hard at times as I can't MAKE him use those tools, he has to choose to use them.

 

[Zipperhead]

I'm doing exposure therapy with the peer support. My therapist work is outpatients, and still in assessment stages. I think that's what's getting me right now. I just want to fast forward to treatment. And the honesty part of assessment is taxing. It's making me think, and that is something I haven't done in a long time. Honesty is something I haven't done in a long time either. I'm working on that here on the Forum. Just wish I could grow a set and do it at home too.

Al

 

[LoyalOne]

I can't MAKE him use those tools, he has to choose to use them.

This sums it all up, doesn't it?

My family internalized this while watching my father (former TSgt USAF) drink himself to death. 'You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink,' sounds so glib. So easy, until you hold his hand and watch him die.

But yes. You can't control anyone else's behavior. Not all the weeping and begging and reasoning and pleading in the world will work. You can't love someone better. You can't nag them better. You can't use your usual tactics of silence, or arguing, or logic, or whatever you use. You just have to keep throwing the line to them and be fully prepared to watch them drown. And, and this is the hard part - it is not your fault if they drown. You did your best. You threw the line.

I think what Army Brat is trying to reach for with this recommendation is that if all you can do is throw the line, don't you owe it to your sufferer to throw the best and strongest line you can?

 

[Army_Brat_88]

You can't control anyone else's behavior. Not all the weeping and begging and reasoning and pleading in the world will work. You can't love someone better. You can't nag them better. You can't use your usual tactics of silence, or arguing, or logic, or whatever you use

Isn't that the damned truth LO! You should put that atop every single one of your posts because we need to beat that into our heads!

 

[Army_Brat_88]

I just want to fast forward to treatment. And the honesty part of assessment is taxing. It's making me think, and that is something I haven't done in a long time. Honesty is something I haven't done in a long time either. I'm working on that here on the Forum. Just wish I could grow a set and do it at home too.

Zipperhead - We want everything done fast and easy in this life, so just take your time and do it right. As for honesty? Yeah, it's tough, but lying or skirting the truth is tougher. It's too damned much work I'll tell you - it's why I just am as honest as I can about everything and to everyone. You can be honest and still be very civil and decent to people. I've found lying would wipe me out, not to mention I'm not smart enough to keep straight 50 different things I'd told 50 different people.

You're allowed to do babysteps in it - as long as you keep going forward for the most part. You were trained to think and feel certain things, now you need to train yourself to not. You'll get there. It's like people wanting to lose weight - sure those clubs work real quick for the effects, but inevitably they balloon out again like Oprah when they stopped because quick and easy never works. Ever. For anything.

 

[LoyalOne]

Well, seriously. My mother used to beg and cry and plead heartbreakingly with me to get my father to stop drinking. 'Just ask him,' she would say; 'He listens to you. He loves you so much. He doesn't listen to me any more.'

I could never make her understand that he only listened to me because we had a quiet little agreement that he would do his damndest for me if I never, ever pushed him. It was like practicing some kind of Eastern Religion. The Tao of letting someone struggle something out for themselves, win or lose, without getting too close or too far.

Daddy lost, ultimately. But I know he tried as hard as he did for us, and for our mother. And he was a good father, in his way. His last words were our names, when the doctors did a check on his mental state by asking him the names of his children.

Eh. The Author has an Autobiographical Pause. Sorry. My point is, a person makes his/her own choices. You can only choose how you are going to react to what they do, you can't directly change it. You can choose to stay and keep your hand held out, or you can choose to back away. I prefer to stay and take the rough stuff, personally, but that is not everyone's way.