Women Make Better Supporters? Better At Sympathising

[Anna]

A question for all, please feel free to post your experiences.

I have a feeling that in general, women tend to make better supporters. There was an article in the newspaper the other day saying that men tend to leave the relationship if their partner falls ill, whether mental illness or a serious physical illness such as cancer. They do not care for their partners or invest in the relationship as much as women do.

My experience. I am the sufferer but I have no supporter. Even though I am married I am alone. If I get sick, like bronchitus for example. No tea is brought to me. I still have to get up and cook, look after my family. Over the years I have become the stronger one. Hell, I do nearly everything. Sometimes I feel quite sad about it. My partner even sometimes moans about me sleeping so long. I know my partner loves me, but he has absolutely no idea how to support anyone through anything.

 

[intothelight]

Anna,

Wow, this really hit home with me. My female friends and my daughters play much more of a supporter role than my H does. Not that he doesn't try, but he seriously doesn't seem to get it. He wants to fix and them expects it to stay fixed. I just don't "fix" easy and when one thing is better something else breaks. :(

Sometimes I wonder if it is just better to leave "husbands" as husbands and develop a network of friends for support. Perhaps the supporter role is not something they are comfortable with and that ultimately jeopardizes the relationship?

Any male input?

 

[BigBear]

I think it is completely depends on the sufferer and the supporter. No two people are alike.

Also:

You must remember that women who had fathers who were abusers are often strangely drawn to broken men. Probably a similar situation exists for men but the former is well documented! When Angel and I met it was a sudden redirrection in our lives. I was prone to abusing women and she to abusing men. Off we went at right angles...

Bear

 

[ClairBear226]

See, I've found the opposite to be true. I have a few women that I consider myself close with, but not close enough that I'd really rely on them to get me through a rough patch. I'll pick up the phone and chit chat a little here and there, but I don't delve into what's really bugging me. I've found that women can get pretty hostile and backstabbing (yes, I AM one - don't revoke my estrogen card!).

As with any other group, I think there's both good and bad. You've got really great, supportive women out there, and the catty, backstabbing manipulative type that give women a bad name. But honestly? The two people that have supported me the best through my most recent round of crap are both men. My hubby/ best friend has been there by my side for almost 19 years with everything from a cup of tea, to a cattle prod to get my butt to a therapist. The other in an online pal that also has PTSD, who has been invaluable in lending an ear, his perspective, and allowing me to support him too (it's good to feel needed and valued).

Men probably lend a different perspective than women. Most of the men I know are more blunt, straight forward problem-solver types. But at the end of the day, that's what helps me best. I don't need to sit on a phone and wallow and whine, I need to resolve whatever the issue is. Just like women, men have some collosal schmucks in their group (some of which are why I have PTSD to begin with). But while their type of support might be a bit different, and their perspective is a bit different, I think there are guys out there every bit as capable at being a good solid support person.

 

[Anna]

Explains why a lot of my friends are male. I have some very close female friends as well, but they are not the backstabbing catty type. I steer well away from them...

My partner is just not the supportive type. Sometimes I feel that my male and female friends are more supportive. Sad though, as your partner should really be your closest friend.

 

[KP the nut]

It is a good question. Online, I have both men and women friends who have supported and cared for me. Five, I am closer to, 4 women and 1 man.

In real life, my biggest supported is my adoring husband. We have been married for 31 years. He is very caring, sometimes a little to soft. He does encourage me to go for walks with the dogs and at social events when he can he is at my side. He has cared for me in sickness - and there has been a lot and continues to do so.

I don't have a lot of friends, not close friends. I have girl friends I can chat to, but it is hard for them to understand how I feel. H sees it first hand so I don't have to explain. I have 2 lovely daughters (22 and 25) and when it comes to supporting they are completely different. The eldest I know loves me but isn't comfortable talking about my feelings and how I am. The youngest is much more understanding.

For me, my husband is the best by a mile, thank you my love.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I don't have any supporters at the moment. But I can relate to much of what has been said here regarding both sexes. I'd just like to meet the genuine person out there, with an ability to understand, or at least to listen.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

I am with Meadowsweet. I have a boyfriend and I call him my supporter, but what fares as a description as supporter, as in offering support, no, I do not have that. Not at all. Not here, not there. The closest thing I have to it is a therapist, and several specialists.

I would think that it is split between men and women fairly equally.

 

[The Albatross]

I'm old school... think of women as more "nurturers" and men more "problem solvers"/ action oriented. I've benefited from both.

 

[Jestadud]

I cannot think of my wife as a supporter, I think she is a fellow sufferer because we have had to go through these things together. It's all been new to both of us.

On this site I have found support from both sexes but we have to acknowledge that there are more women here than men.

I believe that women are more sensitive and caring than men, but there are still exceptions to this rule even on this site. There have been some nasty women here and I won't name the one's I've discovered because I don't want to give them any credence.
I also won't name the good friend I have found here because you can all find your own.

Likewise there are some great guys here and maybe blokes need humour to take the edge off what they are going through. I cannot discuss my problems with my friends face to face but here there are guys here who not only support their partners but find time to offer support to others and that humour and support is invaluable.

Simple answer yes I think women generally are more supportive.

 

[maddog]

Can't add much to what has already been said here. I think Clairbear's post summed up my view of the world almost perfectly.

I have always been somewhat ambivalent towards other women and cannot think of a single female who has been significant in my life. Without exception, all of my most significant influencers, both positive and negative, have been men, and that situation continues to this day. Interestingly, my general "friendship" circle is predominently female, yet I class all of these people as being one step removed from truly close friends. If I apply the "who could i call in a crisis" test, there would be no females on that list at all.

My very small, select network of true confidantes are all male, though again, they don't tend to be the people I socialise with or carry on what I would loosely term "friendships". Gosh, maybe if I'm honest, they are more mentors and pseudo father figures than friends, I don't know, but they still feel like the only people who truly know me and who share any connection with me that I would particularly value.

But in the end I believe it's all about the individual. While men and women do tend to be biologically wired in slightly different ways, and tend to have differing overall perspectives on the world, no two of either sex are the same, and that's what makes the world both fascinating and frightening at times.

Maddog

 

[sea]

I don't really agree with this cultural adage that women are emotional and men are logical because it strikes me as completely ridiculous. Considering that emotion and logic are not even opposites to begin with, it seems illogical to assume that is the nature of the disconnect between thinking styles. Especially because when you really look at the two words, the definition of logical is seen as more desirable than the definition of emotional.

As a society we tend to value reason over emotion, automatically giving "emotional women" the disadvantage. It strikes me as exceedingly convenient. What I would have to say is that men tend to be more direct because men think in different dimensions than women. Men are seen as less verbal and emotional because they globalize and systematize whereas women tend to extrapolate a system out of minutiae.

As a result, obviously, women can be seen as less direct and more prone to sensitivity. In my opinion this has nothing to do with emotional capacity, empathy, or nurturing capability. It has to do with the way men and women process the information they are given. If you've ever heard of Occam's razor, I think that describes the male mind very clearly. They look for the shortest, simplest, fastest solution whereas women tend to look at every single parameter.

This comes off as being the difference between emotionalism and logic when really it is just globalization vs specification. When you add in cultural and societal expectations as well as an outdated patriarchal system, it pretty much accurately pinpoints where issues begin to arise. Men are expected not to be emotional and women are expected to be emotional. When a woman is emotionless they are mocked, when a man is emotional they are mocked... it self-perpetuates.

It doesn't really have anything to do with either gender's ability to be supportive or emotional or caring, it just has to do with their individual ability, their understanding of their role in society, their acceptance of their role in society, and how their brain functions. Narrowing it down to one or the other gender as this or that is pretty pointless in the end. Sometimes when I present my issues with empathy I am told I am coming off as "just a man", when really, it is a genuine problem with my ability to express empathy, etc. It's individual.