Women/ Mother Relationships

[Philippa]

I think that is a very important part of self-acknowledgement Hashi. It was a big step when I was able to stop rationalising their behaviour and making excuses for them, and actually letting myself feel what I really did feel deep down...which was buried. I had no idea I even had those feelings, until I tapped into them one day. Good insight.

I've never really spoken about feeling a lack of bond or connection with my mother...as I was...it felt like a shameful thing, like why wasn't I when she hugged me, and did tell me she loved me and gave me that warmth as a child, that I can remember anyway. I had no idea we were even dysfunctional until I was about 17.

Up until then I felt bad that I didn't have problems and my friends all came from broken homes. But for some strange reason I never really felt connected to her. I even told her that once, which was a source of guilt for me as I knew it must have hurt her to hear that. But that's how I felt.

 

[Britt.f7]

It's so interesting to read all of these posts. I grew up thinking I was the only one who wasn't attached to her mother and felt guilty for it. Now I see it isn't only myself. That is unfortunate for all of us. I did form a relationship with her by the time I was in my 30's. It was a decent relationship. She never got why I didn't feel I could go to her as a kid. We never did break that barrier. It was what it was. When she died, I was heart broken, and nearly, okay I did, have a nervous breakdown some months after. I'm still healing. Don't disregard the impact your mother has on your life. I didn't think I would have been the way I was when she died. But I was hopeless. It all became too much to bare. I'm stepping back on track some three years later. I just never thought that would have happened. See I'm still in disbelief.

 

[Eleanor]

Many women prefer the sugar coating that I just don't do well...and they always seem to want me to tell them what they want to hear. My mother is like this and she lied so much that it made me go the opposite direction and become annoyingly honest, about everything.

I found myself nodding at the first part of this, and then the second sentence made me question whether the first is a result of "interpreter bias." When I think about it I know ALOT of women who don't do sugar coating, do they outnumber the other kind? Hard to say, but really maybe not. I also am annoyingly honest. I've been working on the "annoying" part and paying attention to more skillful use of honesty.:whistling:

It's kind of hard to grieve what was never there though,

Exactly.

And it is hard to disentangle legitimate grief from blame. And really they are two different things. Oh, and add anger into the mix (because ignoring feelings in familial relationships inevitably leads to violating others' boundaries) and... it's a right mess to sort out.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I can't help wondering if your feelings towards your mother are buried. It seems a bit unrealistic to think that you can have nothing but neutral feelings in this situation.

I have neutral feelings about my mother. But I have very deep feelings of needing somebody to care and be bothered. It hurts incredibly that nobody does. I get angry at people in society who play at being caring people, but don't have a genuine inch of empathy in them. And that comes from the child me that is scared to believe that anyone will be there when I need emotional support, (or maybe scared even to need it) because there isn't anyone who I can turn to and there never was.

So I do have feelings, they're just not directed towards my mother.

I have been angry in the past, not actually at her, but I've felt angry. And when I was a teenager, things got so bad and I was taking drugs, that she did try (she asked me if I wanted to try counseling) but by that stage in my life, I was rejecting my family and even the offer of counseling felt like they were putting pressure on me to be somebody 'better'. So there have been times when she tried, and it was me rejecting her. I think perhaps it was too little too late.That always reminds me of that line in the poem, "I was much too far out all my life, and not waving, but drowning."

I don't know if there's feelings repressed or if I've done the anger bit, and the rejecting her, and am just left with the emotions that the child always carried alone - to find a healthier way to be an emotional adult. I don't see the point of blaming her.

 

[Philippa]

When I think about it I know ALOT of women who don't do sugar coating, do they outnumber the other kind?

That's a good point Eleanor. I may indeed have interpreter bias, as you said. I actually do know a few women who like bluntness, so I'm not saying all women like sugar coating, but I have met quite a few who do seem to not like it when I tell the truth or am blunt. In Australia, socially it is not considered good manners to go against the grain of social etiquette and 'politeness'.

 

[Britt.f7]

This thread makes me wonder what my boys, 15 and 18, think of my mothering skills. I'm sure I've been absent at times between my illnesses. But, that is another thread. Really makes me wonder though.

 

[Hashi]

I don't see the point of blaming her.

I didn't say anything about blaming her. In fact, I talked about it being natural as part of the grieving process to be angry with people when it's not their fault.

All I can ask is - if you have neutral feelings about your mother, why have you started a thread about mother relationships?

 

[Meadowsweet]

Because I have issues regarding maternal/female relationships that I want to deal with.

I did give my thoughts about what you said regarding anger.

 

[Mayday]

I needed him and he failed me. He didn't fulfil his role as a father...Whatever the reasons for that, I couldn't continue to always rationalise it and see his point of view. I had to acknowledge the harm and the hurt to me.

This really resonated with me. I think I am stuck with not really acknowledging the harm and hurt to me. I think it ties in to self worth a bit, I still struggle to acknowledge that I deserved any better. Hard work, this stuff.

This thread makes me wonder what my boys, 15 and 18, think of my mothering skills

The fact that you even stop and wonder about your own mothering skills, shows to me that you have the necessary concern, empathy etc...that would mean you have nothing to worry about in that department.

 

[Eleanor]

In Australia, socially it is not considered good manners to go against the grain of social etiquette and 'politeness'.

Here too. Most places.:)

 

[Philippa]

Here too. Most places.:)

Good to know. :D