Relationship Wondering If Anyone Has Experienced This...

[Mckinzie13]

This is something that really intrigues me and I was just curious if any of you have had similar experiences with your sufferer.

My boyfriend has combat ptsd. He is not quick to get attached or be affectionate. in the 9 months we've been together he has formed an extremely strong attachment to my oldest daughter. She's 14 but has such an old soul. She's funny, smart, and just makes everyone around her happy. My boyfriend says she reminds him of himself when he was young. It's so interesting to watch their relationship because both of them are very guarded people. My boyfriend obviously has his wall up due to his ptsd, my daughter because of the damage her own father caused during our marriage with his cheating and verbal abuse. But they have connected in a way I have to admit I'm jealous of but at the same time, so grateful for.

My boyfriend is like a father and friend to her. Protective but playful, caring, concerned about her needs and feelings. I can honestly say I have no doubt he would give his life for her. He lights up when she enters a room. Even now as he is in the middle of one of his hard times.

It seems like she is the thing that keeps him grounded, connected. He will isolate from everyone but her. His mood never changes with her. He is still amazing to me, my two other children, and his own daughter, but there's a very special bond between those two. He's known to run but in talking to me he's admitted that it's my children and what seems like an inherent need to take care of us that keeps him from doing so.

I'm so grateful that I have a man like this but I'm so puzzled by this. The other night he became upset when I paid for our dinner. That day, while I was working,he took my daughter and his daughter out shopping, out to lunch, and all 3 of them got pedicures lol. We decided to go out alone and grab something to eat that night and I thought I would treat him but when I did he got upset saying I should never put him before my kids. Clearly this was not what I was doing. He was emotional all the way home and tells me how much he loves my kids and doesn't want them to do without "no matter what happens to us". He has only told me he loves me twice In 9 months and he was drunk both times so I didn't bring it up but he goes on to tell me that although he cares for me deeply and he does love my kids, he doesn't love me and he won't tell me until he's ready. He said this without any prompt from me as I mostly listen and try not to react when he gets emotional. Later he held me in bed telling me he was sorry and he didn't want to hurt me but he wanted to be honest. I admit it hurt.

I try to remember to pay attention to his actions and not take his words personally. I know he cares very much for me. I see him struggling to hold it together right now in order to be here with my kids and myself and I realize how big that is for a sufferer who is having a hard time and wants to escape or isolate.

I guess I'm just curious if any of you have had a similar experience where your supporter attached himself to your children or someone else almost moreso than their attachment to you? It's sort of bittersweet in my situation because my children seem to have found a father figure in him and to watch him interact with them always makes me smile but I find myself longing for some of that to be directed at me.... And then I feel guilty.

Any similar stories or input?

Thanks!

 

[darrenS]

I cannot relate to the relationship parts , but I do know I am very close to my 12 yr daughter, and it was similar in the sense it didnt matter what state I was in, I could always find a smile and a laugh for her, and she also seemed to know how to get me grounded. But at the same time I had to realize that she could not be in any way responsible for supporting me in a ptsd type way. Slowly I changed the relationship and also myself to ensure that she is not exposed to any of my reactions or symptoms,The relationship is still fun , she shares a lot, and nothing has changed other than making sure she is not carrying any of my weight.

I feel for you as a supporter - its isolating enough at times , I have trouble trying to give a straight answer, part of me feels your pain and wants to say , just talk to him , tell him how you feel . But then realism kicks in and im not sure what to say , as I know many sufferers react to emotional pressure or what they even may perceive as emotional pressure. Its a tough one, but then by the same token , you have feelings , you have needs , there has to be a happy medium - is he easy to talk to ? as much as he has expressed honesty , surely he must understand you have a right to be open as well ?

I would approach it a piece at a time , find what is most important to you now, then simplify it as much as you can and present it. Thats all you can do, alternatively you could find a trusted advisor , could be a therapist, could even be a supporters group, somewhere where you can gain advice that will help you in getting your needs considered and met in a non threatening way

 

[Sighs]

Sometimes I will ask my vet for a cuddle and he will say no - he doesn't feel like it and then literally turn away from me and immediately pick up his dog and hold him and rock him and sing to him. I wish I got half the affection that dog gets.

 

[Mckinzie13]

He is not easy to talk to. The only time he really opens up about his feelings is when he is drinking. Otherwise he almost refuses to have a serious conversation. When he does open up it is one sided. I'm scared if I share my feelings with him it will push him away. Especially right now when he's stressed. He told me the other night he knew I loved him, that he could feel it, but he just doesn't love me yet. I get nervous during the times he opens up because I'm afraid I'll say something that upsets him so I dont often respond.

Sighs - My guy is obsessed with his dog. He recently started letting his dog sleep with us so the little cuddling I got at night has been greatly reduced.

 

[Wastinglight]

he doesn't feel like it and then literally turn away from me and immediately pick up his dog

My guy is obsessed with his dog. He recently started letting his dog sleep with us so the little cuddling I got at night has been greatly reduced.

Yep, I know that feeling, that I am somehow below the dog in importance sometimes. But then again, I can understand his connection with his dog. His dog will never cheat on him, will never walk out on him, will never hurt him, will never scream and yell at him (not that I've done any of these things either, mind!). His dog's been there for him, every second, since his trauma. But I have noticed that, when he really wants to snuggle in bed, he will pick up the dog and move him out of the way in order to get to me. So maybe I've moved up the hierarchy a little bit lately :rolleyes:.

He does this with his family as well, when he is acting really distant from me - in fact, especially then. Even though it's fair enough that he's close with his family, it feels awful when he is very very affectionate to them (almost OTT) in front of me, and then won't even touch me. I guess this is my insecurity talking, but it almost feels like he's rubbing it in that I'm not special to him or something at these times. Hurts.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

I have never experienced this but I wonder if some of it has to do with needing to reclaim the innocence in himself he lost.

My father had PTSD from the war and he and I were very playful and he was very jealous when I would hang out and play with people my own age. I think there was an innocent part of himself he lost and wanted to get back by becoming close to me when I was young.

 

[Seagreen]

I don't have an answer either but after reading, Signs, comment above it got me thinking. People find it easier to open themselves to animals and children because they are safe. Its ok to trust them. Opening yourself to a relationship is not so easy. Do you think that could be why he is more connect with your daughter?

 

[Mckinzie13]

I definitely think it has to do with the fact that the kids and dog are safer to invest in.

Yesterday was an anniversary day for him. I know I've mentioned drinking a few times and he really isn't a drinker until he is stressed. He drank last night and although we actually had a pretty good day, he did get emotional at one point.

I was told he didn't deserve he be happy because of the things he had done and that as much as he cares for me that he knew he would have to leave one day. He's repeated this to me many times. He says he wants to be honest with me because he does care but that no relationship works because of his ptsd. He admitted he wouldn't give his entire self to me emotionally because he says I couldn't handle it. That it would break me. That eventually he will have to leave to keep things from getting to that point.

I listened. Told him that I could never understand what he'd been through but that I was here for him. He wanted to be very clear about our relationship not being forever but that he considers my kids his kids and would always make sure they were taken care of.

After he was very affectionate and affectionate again this morning. It hurts to hear these things because I know he believes them. All I can do is take it one day at a time I guess.

 

[darrenS]

He is not easy to talk to. The only time he really opens up about his feelings is when he is drinking. Otherwise he almost refuses to have a serious conversation. When he does open up it is one sided. I'm scared if I share my feelings with him it will push him away.

If you cant have a serious conversation, and cant share your feelings , and your scared if you do share something ...he'll push you away. Can i ask you one serious question, what do you actually have ? you cant build a relationship on silence and no serious talk, have you asked yourself why you love him and why you are there ? and why are you willing to endure it.

 

[Mckinzie13]

Obviously this is not a normal relationship. Which is why I'm here. Serious conversations happen but in small increments. He avoids it so I get a few minutes and he then he backs away so not much progress is made.

I am scared to share my feelings. He's not in a good place right now and I honestly don't want to nor think it would help to share my feelings at this time. I believe it would only add stress and feel it would make more sense to wait until he is feeling better before I do that.

I agree it is hard to have a relationship like this. But it's not always like this. Normally there is a bad day here and there but for the most part he is the most caring man I have ever met. He is an amazing person. I endure it because of this. I love him not just for the good parts but the bad ones too. I cannot even begin to comprehend what he deals with daily. On good days I see him dealing but on bad days I see and I feel the constant struggle to maintain. I have so much respect for him and his ability to do that most of the time. The good days make it worth it.

 

[darrenS]

I understand , and wish you all the best