Work has been so hard all of a sudden. csa mentioned

[agirls]

I teach in a Catholic school. I consciously decided I wanted to teach there because it was an environment I was familiar with, having been through Catholic school my whole childhood. A little less than two months ago, I got some clarity on some body memories that eee surfacing and it became clear that my father, who I knew had sexually abused my sister, had also abused me. The repressed stuff that's surfacing has been awful. From what my t and I are piecing together, it went on from about 18 months old to about 4 or 5. It involved all kinds of rape and it's worse than the sexual abuse I knew I had endured st the hands of a neighbor. But my sister and I are almost 100% sure my father was abused by a priest st his high school. The man was very close to our family and the archdiocese paid off a victim of his years ago. There are articles online about it and after reading the comments we are sure my father was one of his victims. Strangely, I'm not angry st my father right now (he died almost 13 years ago) but I am furious at the Catholic Church. I am white knuckling my way through these last weeks of school but I am furious and it is so hard to deal with even the small injustices that get thrown by wsy. (Catholic school teachers are generally treated like crap). My younger daughter has one more year until she graduates from this school so I will let her finish but I am looking aggressively for another job. I don't know what I'll do if I don't find one. I feel often like I absolutely can't go back there next year but I can't afford not to work either.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

You are angry at your father. You are angry that the person who should have been protecting you was raping you over and over again. The church didn't protect innocent children. It is all one giant ball of f*cked up disgustingness. Your father doesn't get a pass because he was abused. Have you abused your children? No. It is okay to be angry at him and the church and then look at the possibility of forgiveness if that is what you need to move on. Also, take a stand against the injustice of it all if you need that. My rapist was a catholic. I wonder if he ever confessed or confessed to the other stuff he did afterwards. I understand your work situation too. I teach private lessons and my students feed into a high school where one of my music colleagues triggers me. He looks like a grown version of my rapist, same asshole behaviors. The stuff that he said and did to me last fall actually brought on my ptsd. But I have to face it or leave my strongest junior high school where a huge chunk of my money comes from. So I get it. Try to remember that your school is not the catholic leaders that did those horrible things. Try to focus on the differences donas not to get triggered. If you can find a better job away, take it. If not, ask your therapist how to cope. I wish you the best!

 

[agirls]

Thank you. I think it's the arrogance of the church that has me so pissed off right now. They think it's okay to violate labor laws, pay their teachers absolute crap for wages, ruin people's lives and stand up there preaching about acting like Jesus. I'm sick of the arrogance and hypocrisy. I do not feel anger towards my father right now. I had a lot of anger towards him while he was alive and spent time after his death working through it in therapy. I realize it may come but right now it either isn't there or I can't access it. There were so many other ways that my parents did not protect me and I have worked really hard on coming to terms with that. So maybe that was enough. We knew my father had sexually abused my sister. My experience was just buried further down. I'm not abusing my own children because I got help. My father did when it was too late and it didn't work anyway because he wasn't honest. It's a very complicated, screwed up story.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I think your attitude toward your father is very healthy. When I began to understand the abuse and trauma that my father suffered, my anger toward him fizzled out like a flame in water. He did what he knew. Nothing to forgive. Now I feel sadness for him.

The Church, on the other hand, bears responsibility, not only for turning a blind eye to the abuse, but also for allowing the abusers access to their victims until public outcry forces them to act.

 

[agirls]

That is exactly how I feel. My siblings do not share my feelings. They are still angry. (My sister was also sexually abused by my father; my brother was physically abused). But my anger at the church is akin to fury.