Working Today

[shimmerz]

I had a very responsible job. I was a very responsible woman. I work with computers. You can't screw up and my brain was so fried after the re-kindling of my trauma that I had to stop working. It was a grievous loss to me. I haven't been the same since. It has thrown me into such a state of hopelessness, helplessness. I am sure that is one of my key triggers.

So today I am going to work on some curriculum to train. I have done other jobs before but they have not normally been jobs where I am locked in a room to train people, all eyes looking at me, being judged. I haven't trained since I was re-kindied. I thought I was going to be okay but my anxiety about this (and training won't take place until I finish writing the course) is just through the roof. Arrrrggghhhh!

I don't know why but I am posting like crazy right now and can't seem to make sense of what is getting to me - this or a myriad of other things that keep flashing in my mind. I don't even know what I need from these posts. I just want to curl up in a corner. Never mind......

 

[RussH]

I had a very responsible job. I was a very responsible woman. I work with computers. You can't screw up and my brain was so fried after the re-kindling of my trauma that I had to stop working. It was a grievous loss to me. I haven't been the same since. It has thrown me into such a state of hopelessness, helplessness. I am sure that is one of my key triggers.

I absolutely understand how you feel. I was working at a job that, for me, was well paying, especially for the area we live in, my co-workers triggered me into a major flashback, and as a result I lost my job. I have been devestated by it. I have also been in a state of helplessness and hopelessness. I am now working at a job making less than half my previous income.

I am now taking online classes to become a chef. I hope this will give me the opportunity to get my income up to a livable level.

So I completely understand how you feel.

 

[shimmerz]

Thanks so much for your help this morning @RussH. I am in such a state of panic right now that I don't know whether I am coming or going. I am so very sorry for your losses. I wish you all the best in your new career as a chef! I wonder at times whether being drawn back into the same line of work is triggering me off. A new start completely sounds like a fabulous idea. Unfortunately I cannot even look at that right now as I cannot seem to absorb information (where I used to like a sponge). I keep trying to be patient - to look at how I have improved - but in the meanwhile I seem to be looped into this helpless thing that is keeping me there. Thanks again.

 

[littlelostchild]

Ok, so I don't know if I should ask this, but - is this the best task for you to be working on right now? You have a lot of other stuff going on and this seems like a loaded task. First developing the curriculum, then presenting it.

If it is something you need to get done, can you break it down into manageable pieces and pace it out with rewards along the way?

I too had to leave a professional career and am going back in a month after 2 years off. It is high stress and heavy workload. I hope if can do it and keep my strategies, if not, I will be looking for a new career.

 

[shimmerz]

@littlelostchild I thank you so much for asking that question. It grounded me out. I have cancelled today and will try to prepare better for it as I have rescheduled for Thursday and Friday and into next week. I have time to use my tools to figure out why I was so frantic this morning.

Unfortunately the work needs to be done at a client site (there is a lot of history with this client so that in itself is triggery), so I will take the next few days to sort out some coping strategies to calm myself while I work. I may even try to get some of it done from home so that I don't feel under so much pressure.

I so wish for you a great new start to your job. May I ask, have you a strategy or tools that you plan on putting into place for when you return to work?

 

[littlelostchild]

Glad to hear you can put it off and refocus.

I have some tools ready and continue to develop more. As well, I am transitioning back to full time over a two month period which should help me iron out some of the wrinkles. I also have a support network.