World Would Be Better Without Me

[Shellbell]

Thank you saffy.

I am more and more aware of how messed up I am how badly my past has affected me.

I am a useless wife in many ways and a burden on my husband. My standards of being a mother are all wrapped up in the damage my mother did to me and how she had depression and now I have PTSD and MDD I feel like a failure to my children, as I don't cope with them well.

I think I was incredibly selfish in the past to think I could be a good wife and mother. I was in major avoidance and denial about my past for 20 years. Now my past and the PTSD affects people and I hate that. So the evil people in my past are now hurting other people, not just me and I hate that even more. I should have stayed single and motherless. It should have stopped with me.

 

[mamachick]

Should...would...could...you didnt...Now dont buy into that self fulfilling prophecy. Your child has survived 10 years of life-give yourself the credit you would give another.

You are not your past. Try to experience today for what it is, without one foot on the past and one on the future. We really need to change the stigma. Maybe you are more colorful, adventerous, spontaneous, etc than most. Find the words that describe you more positively.

My mother was the worst. Yet I have to giggle at my past at times. You cannot survive what you cant laugh at.

Hope Im not harsh-I mean well
(((hugs)))

 

[Shellbell]

Brat17, you are right, there's no point dwelling on the would, could, should have's.

I think my depression is pretty bad atm and I've recently changed meds twice and it's affecting me. It will probably get better. I have to hope in that.

Thanks for the hug, need those atm.

 

[saffy]

It should have stopped with me.

That's a pity because your lovely son would not be here either, so something good has come out of it. Hun, every one finds it hard being a good mother, wife, friend etc etc. We all doubt our ability and doubt what others say because it goes against what we beleive about ourselves. I think you are robbing yourself though if you think you should have been what amounts to an isolated hermit.

You do recognise it and can see the impact now, it may have surfaced because of you being aware it is affecting someone you love, (if you isolate it will not hurt anyone else,right), but it is not as if you are doing this 'damage' on purpose. At the moment you have no guidelines on how to approach it, how to deal with it and what to do next.

Sometime I think because there has been this avoidance, it has never really been dealt with and so has been an underlying problem and now it is back to say I am part of your past, I want to be part of your future, but you are not letting me so Im just going to haunt you till you learn to accept it.

FInding support and understanding is hard, how could they possibly understand?, you might ask yourself, why do they put up with me? Maybe they need a bit more credit in that they might actually be able to help you continue in the right direction. They might think it selfish of you to not include them or turn to them and thinking it will be better for them if you were not there.
Finding something positive out of a negative is probably the hardest thing to do when your head is full of doom, but even if there is just a little bit of positve optimism it is something to go forward on rather than back.

Big Hugs
take care of you
Saffy :)

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you Saffy, everything you say is right. I know that in time after lots of therapy, I will hopefully be different and be able to cope again. So how things are now, will not be forever.

I love this forum and having people remind me and point me back in the right direction, towards the positive.

I know I'm doing the best I can right now under very difficult circumstances with young noisy boys and having chronic PTSD and MDD, but my boys are happy, secure, loving boys so I can't be doing that bad a job.

My parents conditioned me into a lifetime of guilt, shame and blame and it's my default mode everytime things get hard. I know that I need to fight against that. I know my parents caused huge psychological damage to me in the past, but I don't have to allow it to control and destroy my furture and those around me.

 

[Tinyflame]

You do recognise it and can see the impact now, it may have surfaced because of you being aware it is affecting someone you love, (if you isolate it will not hurt anyone else,right), but it is not as if you are doing this 'damage' on purpose. At the moment you have no guidelines on how to approach it, how to deal with it and what to do next.

Sometime I think because there has been this avoidance, it has never really been dealt with and so has been an underlying problem and now it is back to say I am part of your past, I want to be part of your future, but you are not letting me so Im just going to haunt you till you learn to accept it.

Finding support and understanding is hard, how could they possibly understand?, you might ask yourself, why do they put up with me? Maybe they need a bit more credit in that they might actually be able to help you continue in the right direction. They might think it selfish of you to not include them or turn to them and thinking it will be better for them if you were not there.

Saffy, this is exactly how I feel. That's what I meant by fear, not fear in general (though there's that too), but 'this' fear, burden, guilt, shame. Thank you for being so kind, my heart has a hard time even taking those words on faith.

Shellbell, Saffy and the others are right.

((((((((Dear Shellbell)))))) (((((Saffy)))))

(PS Saffy, I never thought of it that way, the last part you said). ((((((Hugs))))

 

[ms spock]

Dear Shellbell,

I did decide to remain childless due to my background. And that has been a good decision for me.

I believe that delaying having children, so that stuff can be dealt with is a good idea. If someone with a mental illness can do a certain amount of substantial healing then the children will certainly benefit.

Your children will benefit Shellbell as you are committed to dealing with your avoidance and denial and your past issues.

I do see that every type of mother, from every type of background becomes exhausted, doubts themselves, worries about their kids and if they have a background of abuse internalises all that horrible stuff from childhood and beats themselves up about their childhood and the fears of passing that legacy on. It sounds like to me that you are going through this and that this would not be much fun.

I recently watched the interaction of three generations where the mental illness, addiction and childhood sexual abuse has been passed down with little therapy or attempt to resolve the issues and it is sad to see the intergenerational effects.

By working on your stuff you are immediately providing a brighter future for your children and that is a positive thing!

 

[ms spock]

My parents conditioned me into a lifetime of guilt, shame and blame and it's my default mode everytime things get hard. I know that I need to fight against that. I know my parents caused huge psychological damage to me in the past, but I don't have to allow it to control and destroy my furture and those around me.

This is good awareness Shellbell!

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you Ms Spock and Junebug (for the hug) :hug:

I have the awareness and a lot of insight into my illness and what caused my belief system. I know a lot of it intellectually, I just can't keep focussed on it.

I know it, I just don't feel it. But that's what therapy is for.

 

[KatB]

Shellbell, my mother has blamed a lot for the problems of my brother. Everytime I called the cops against my brother, my mom would come up with things to say that would just make you :O_o::wideeyed:

Skimming through the posts, I have thought and think the same way as you. I don't believe that I deserve people's niceness and when they are, I think it's not real- like if I am a burden also. I believe that there are some genuine,nice,sincere people who care and think of me but so much has happened, it has changed the way I live and view the world around me. I dislike being around people but I also know the only one I am hurting is me. I believe my family(mom/brother) have made me live with guilt and shame for living, that I have believed I deserve to be guilty and ashamed of being alive... ( a lot said).

 

[KatB]

I have the awareness and a lot of insight into my illness and what caused my belief system. I know a lot of it intellectually, I just can't keep focussed on it. I know it, I just don't feel it...

I agree so much with you on this point. Focus and concentration is broken up and scattered also.

 

[Shellbell]

Oh KatB, you don't know just how much I feel extactly the same way as you wrote as well. And when I hear other people say it about themselves, I always want to tell them so strongly they are wrong, they didn't deserve the abuse they had, they shouldn't have guilt and shame, it's not theirs to carry, they do deserve to be happy, loved, liked. But I never feel it for myself. And you don't either. And it's so hard and so painful.

But you know, these belief systems we have - pounded (emotionally) into to us by our parents are not the belief systems we are meant to have, or the ones we deserve to have.

My T is working on my belief systems from my parents and she said I will not change quickly, it has taken 41 years to get me to where I am and it will take time and a process for that to change.

Like you, I know I am hurting myself the most now with what I keep believing, going to that default mode that hurts. But, we have to believe there is hope for it to change. Without hope, there can be no change.

Hugs ((((((((KatB)))))))).