Icon Nikon
Gold Member
Niall,
Sadly I do not have very much to offer you right now, as my mind is struggling to function, but I wanted to give you what I could for now.
With or without PTSD, many people today feel like a burden to those who love them, especially with our current economy and lack of jobs. However, PTSD does add an additional layer on top of the common feelings.
I guess what I would like you to do first is to question if you really are "lazy" as you say or if your various fears, depression, anxiety, self image...and so on are making it excessively difficult for you to face the steps needed to obtain employment? Obviously the fact that you refer to yourself as "pathetic" answers that first question.
Now that may seem insulting, but what I would do with you if closer is to ask you to ask yourself a second question. If you and your girlfriend changed places, would you feel as if she was a "lazy, pathetic, burden" to you? I highly doubt it as PTSD makes us view ourselves through a toxic lens, a lens that we generally do not use or apply when we look at others.
And no, intellect does not end your internal battles but awareness and consciously separating fact from feeling is very helpful when trying to dig yourself out of both a bad mental place and a difficult financial spot.
So in case you did not hear me, I do not see someone who is "pathetic or lazy". Nor do I see YOU as the "burden". The "burden" is 1) the lack of employment and income, and 2) your depression and self-flagellation which interferes with your ability to function optimally to tackle the challenging and discouraging process/tasks/steps of finding employment. Therefore, if you can separate the two and then work on each the future will likely improve for you and the two of you.
I obviously do not think your girlfriend feels that you are a burden, but I also cannot know that. In addition, I do not think she would feel better off if you died as she has not left you.
There is much good information above and what I write here is just my opinion. A view that I offer in hopes that it helps in some small way.
I have indeed struggled with what you are currently struggling with and have had friends struggle similarly. What helped me with those steps is two-fold.
First, I stated my plans to someone who mattered to me because I knew that I would hate if I let them down by not following through. It is like using your own shame and guilt, which will not change overnight, as accountability in an effort to help you follow through with the steps you already know you need to do, to feel good about succeeded at doing those steps, and then repeating it until you land that job.
Second, job hunting is so damn demoralizing and demands that you not take repeated rejection personally, which is hard for most let alone for those with PTSD. Again what worked for me was approaching the search as if I was helping out a friend, thus depersonalizing the process. I wrote my resume as if viewing me through the eyes of someone who saw more value in me than I saw in myself. And I interviewed as if I was that someone on that resume. And then when rejected, which was inevitable at first, it was "that person" and not me that was rejected.
Yes, both are clever mind games and no long term solutions. However I do not know if therapy is an option for you right now and the longer you stay in this place, the worse you will feel. So I believe in using whatever you have available to you to help yourself any way you can in the short term.
Do you think your girlfriend would help you with those daunting tasks, that way you share the "burden" of not enough income, rather than doing this solo and feeling so horrible? Can you let her help you "share the burden"? And then when possible seek therapy, for yourself and for the two of you?
I know that this is clearer in my head than this post, but I hope you can still understand what I am getting at. And if not, feel free to PC me or post here and I will try again.
Summary:
1. Keep challenging your own beliefs about yourself and what would be best for your girlfriend (or better yet ask her).
2. Try to get her or someone else to help you with the tasks, even if all you can do right now is use that feeling of not wanting to let someone you love down and thus state out loud what you will do that day - then you will have great difficulty having to tell take person that you did not do it (not ideal but an ok temporary use of your negative self-image, guilt, and shame).
3. Role play when engaging in that inhumane process of job hunting - be the person you want to be (the one on the application/resume), and then later you can work on truly becoming that person.
They are mind games or mental tricks, I know, but sometimes that is all we have in the moment. And healing requires time and usually money. Plus you need to stop this slippery slope.
Sorry if this is not helpful!
If nothing else, this was not easy for me to write so at least you truly know that I do not see you as pathetic or lazy as I would not have spent so much time if I did. What I see is someone who is lost and feeling hopeless, and what I am offering here is an approach that helped me and some of my friends (modify or disregard as you see fit) as well as some hope.
Please keep fighting you way through.
Warm regards and encouragement,
Alex
