General Worried About My Carer

[ClairBear226]

I learned a year 1/2 ago while my hubs was ill (and on some REALLY good pain meds ;)) that he has secretly been monitoring the whereabouts of the man that...umm... caused me to have PTSD. We talked about it at the time, but hadn't brought it up again until recently. I've been struggling a bit lately, and my hubby - who until recently has been solid as a rock for over 18 years - has made comments about knowing where the SOB is, and has made comments that make me think he wants to confront him.

As much as it bothers me that this man got away scot free, confronting him in not something I feel like I can cope with. I know my hubby knows this and understands, but I'm worried about him. Any thoughts from those of you in the position of carer?

 

[Lady Rig]

I can understand his anger. I have some towards my husbands mistress. I keep tabs on her myself. My T says it's a control thing. I can't control anything in the situation, so I try to take some control by finding out everything I can about her and looking at photos of her online. If I could confront her, I would. In a heartbeat. But it wouldn't solve anything. She's in the past, and that's where I'm trying to make her stay. Maybe your husband is in the same boat? Maybe it gives him a feeling of control in a situation where he has none? It's worth discussing.

 

[ISupportHer]

One of the books I read for supporter talked about the difficulty for many men, in particular, as they struggle with their feelings when their partner was abused. Of course, not just men but for men sometimes there is a feeling of a need to be the protector, it can result in all sorts of issues. Like regret that they couldn't stop it, etc.

I remember when I first heard the words of at least some of the reason for my wife's depression. It was in her TH's office and I immediately thought, OK, so we call the son of a bitch up and take it straight to him. Head on!

Wrong!

For me now, it is like the whole thing with telling others. Family and friends. It is NOT my secret to tell. Not my decision WHO to tell. Same with a confrontation. It's just not up to me. Hard to accept but it is just is not my decision. What I think is a solution is just that. MY solution and not hers. I know now that it has to come from HER. And only IF and when SHE is ready. If I act, and bring it up or confront, then the motivation is ME not HER, and that's wrong.

ClairBear226, I hope you can help your husband see it that way. That maybe you will want to confront at some time. Maybe not. Like "forgiving" though, the confronting may not be as important as the accepting and working through it all. Either way, I see it as YOUR decision, no one else's.

The other thing I think of is that if he is now leaning more toward going after the person, then your husband needs resources. You may not feel comfortable with him here, but there are other places he can be for help. IF he'll do it. I know that many men won't. If it's a book that can do it, then maybe find something that may help, and give him just that one nugget to start, rather than giving him a whole book at once. I just don't know YOUR situation.

Just one supporter's perspective here.

ISH

 

[Tinyflame]

You are so right ISH, so respectful, so kind and 'normal'. The opposite of what your wife likely experienced.
Because the respect leads to security and safety, the safety leads to trust, the trust leads to courage, and then the courage to making (her own) choices, again. I think (all of those) 'concepts' or 'realities'- safety, security, trust, hope, the ability to 'affect' a situation, etc, -the inconceivable thought (of) ever getting any of those 'back'- feels like (they're all) 'blown out of the water' (to a sufferer).

((((ISH))))

 

[LoyalOne]

My husband understands that I have forgiven the person, and tries his best to put it out of his mind. I try very much to limit who knows, though. Certain of my friends would find him, kill him, and go to jail happy, or so they would think. My husband, though - he was very sweet and understanding when he found out, and has expressed nothing to me but the desire to never, EVER see this person. Or he may reconsider his understanding point of view.