Hi there.
I've got a few worries at the moment about a person who I've got increasingly close to the last few months.
Although initially I did divulge some information about my past - what I though was necessary in order to explain certain aspects of my ptsd, as a practically measure, so that said person was better prepared for some stuff - I held back about certain things.
A few months ago I moved away and started something new, and I have taken full advantage of this to try a fresh start where possible. Some intrusions from the past (ok, many!) are inevitable but I'm primed to cope with them. What I could move on from and forget, I've tried my best and been able to.
Though I didn't expect it, I've grown close to somebody who I now consider a good friend and a safe person, and I've been able to start trying out with this person some intimate things. As I said, I did initially share that I had post-traumatic stress disorder and outline why but I didn't go into any more depth than what I felt was necessary.
As I've now grown to care for this person, I've suddenly been struck by a horrible realisation that I have deceived them somewhat. I can't get it out of my head, I feel terrible.
When we first started to try intimate things, I explained that I considered myself inexperienced and in some respects a virgin. I meant this in the sense that, at 19, I've never had an intimate physical relationship that was not abusive. I've never consented to a sexual relationship. I've never had the desire to and I've never initiated this for my own pleasure.
We established great boundaries and I've had a lot of good experience the last few months - which I never expected!
However as I said, I suddenly today realised I have not been strictly honest with what I might have led him to believe.
After 7 years of sexual abuse by a family member, I disclosed at 14. There were very bad reactions to this, and I was strongly influenced by these.
Between the ages of 14 and 15 I had what I guess is classified as a 'boyfriend' for a few months, as well as a f***** up relationship with a 21 year old. But I barely remember these, I was an absolute mess. Through starting therapy relatively recently I recognise these relationships for what they were - manipulative, gross, vaguely abusive. I was incredibly vulnerable and playing out mindsets about 'what I was good for', 'my purpose' etc., which I had learnt and cemented while I was being abused. I have no clear memories of being with these people, I was the equivalent of a sack of potatoes and they were the polar opposite of gentle and non-pressurising.
The last year or so I've forgot about these experiences and focused on the big, main, family trauma. I class these 2 later relationships as extremely damaging and maladaptive coping mechanisms. I'm not ashamed of them per say, but I realise how little respect I had for myself due to the abuse and that these were born of that. So I'm not proud and I absolutely do not value them, as anything other than a learning curve.
So when I started this friendship and later tried out intimacy with this new person in this new place with my fresh start, I hand-on-heart had forgotten about these previous experiences. I was not technically a 'virgin', due to the familial abuse, but I also didn't consider myself as having kissed anybody, as ever having been intimate with anybody - because I genuinely didn't feel like I had. I fell into those other bad relationships because I was playing out abuse that had stopped in reality (and I didn't get why)
I considered myself, on moving away, new and fresh. All my previous experiences I associate with abuse and therefore not consensual or wanted or good.
This new person is good and safe. I don't see or expect or particularly want it to be very long-lasting - I'm just grateful that for now it's stable and I'm in an ok place for once.
But today, I had a realisation that, although he realises I technically was not a virgin etc. due to abusive experience, this person must have thought I'd never been kissed, etc.. - and I feel terrible. Have I led him on?
I suddenly realised that although I put the abuse itself as well as the later relationships in the same category for a number of reasons, other people might not. Am I a liar?
I absolutely had no intent to deceive. I wanted above all to have a clean fresh start - the only reason I told him some things about the abuse was to explain my PTSD and certain specific reactions related to it.
But can you have this clean fresh start without holding certain things back? It's not damaged me at all to withhold this information - on the contrary - but I worry it's wrong and bad of me in relation to this other person.
See, I do consider myself as - before this person - utterly inexperienced. I have no memory, other than with this new person, of kissing or anything otherwise intimate, being good or wanted or existing at all. Which is why I realise I led him to believe this - and he's helped me, and we get on great and have a great thing going on.
Where he talks about ex girlfriends and the like, I don't see myself as having an equivalent, because I don't really remember ever wanting it or enjoying it - it was a role I filled.
But I realise now that technically as a 14 year old I did have a boyfriend, and my first kiss was years ago. I just don't classify that forceful, wrong things as anything like the relationship I have with this person. I consider this person my first kiss, and this is what I told him. Which was not a lie - but suddenly I realise, it actually was?
Is it my prerogative to hold certain things back? And is it possible to hold certain things back (like colourful chaotic pasts due to abuse - as in as a reaction to abuse) without lying outright?
What is privacy?
I feel terrible. We're primarily friends. The intimacy thing (though great!!) is just something I wanted to try out, no expectations attached.
But I'm panicked. Upon realising that I guess I've been dishonest - do I need to talk and tell him about it?
I realise this is so long, sorry!
I care about this person a great deal as a friend and I'm worried I've led him to think of me as something I'm not.
Your opinions would mean a lot, thank you.
I've got a few worries at the moment about a person who I've got increasingly close to the last few months.
Although initially I did divulge some information about my past - what I though was necessary in order to explain certain aspects of my ptsd, as a practically measure, so that said person was better prepared for some stuff - I held back about certain things.
A few months ago I moved away and started something new, and I have taken full advantage of this to try a fresh start where possible. Some intrusions from the past (ok, many!) are inevitable but I'm primed to cope with them. What I could move on from and forget, I've tried my best and been able to.
Though I didn't expect it, I've grown close to somebody who I now consider a good friend and a safe person, and I've been able to start trying out with this person some intimate things. As I said, I did initially share that I had post-traumatic stress disorder and outline why but I didn't go into any more depth than what I felt was necessary.
As I've now grown to care for this person, I've suddenly been struck by a horrible realisation that I have deceived them somewhat. I can't get it out of my head, I feel terrible.
When we first started to try intimate things, I explained that I considered myself inexperienced and in some respects a virgin. I meant this in the sense that, at 19, I've never had an intimate physical relationship that was not abusive. I've never consented to a sexual relationship. I've never had the desire to and I've never initiated this for my own pleasure.
We established great boundaries and I've had a lot of good experience the last few months - which I never expected!
However as I said, I suddenly today realised I have not been strictly honest with what I might have led him to believe.
After 7 years of sexual abuse by a family member, I disclosed at 14. There were very bad reactions to this, and I was strongly influenced by these.
Between the ages of 14 and 15 I had what I guess is classified as a 'boyfriend' for a few months, as well as a f***** up relationship with a 21 year old. But I barely remember these, I was an absolute mess. Through starting therapy relatively recently I recognise these relationships for what they were - manipulative, gross, vaguely abusive. I was incredibly vulnerable and playing out mindsets about 'what I was good for', 'my purpose' etc., which I had learnt and cemented while I was being abused. I have no clear memories of being with these people, I was the equivalent of a sack of potatoes and they were the polar opposite of gentle and non-pressurising.
The last year or so I've forgot about these experiences and focused on the big, main, family trauma. I class these 2 later relationships as extremely damaging and maladaptive coping mechanisms. I'm not ashamed of them per say, but I realise how little respect I had for myself due to the abuse and that these were born of that. So I'm not proud and I absolutely do not value them, as anything other than a learning curve.
So when I started this friendship and later tried out intimacy with this new person in this new place with my fresh start, I hand-on-heart had forgotten about these previous experiences. I was not technically a 'virgin', due to the familial abuse, but I also didn't consider myself as having kissed anybody, as ever having been intimate with anybody - because I genuinely didn't feel like I had. I fell into those other bad relationships because I was playing out abuse that had stopped in reality (and I didn't get why)
I considered myself, on moving away, new and fresh. All my previous experiences I associate with abuse and therefore not consensual or wanted or good.
This new person is good and safe. I don't see or expect or particularly want it to be very long-lasting - I'm just grateful that for now it's stable and I'm in an ok place for once.
But today, I had a realisation that, although he realises I technically was not a virgin etc. due to abusive experience, this person must have thought I'd never been kissed, etc.. - and I feel terrible. Have I led him on?
I suddenly realised that although I put the abuse itself as well as the later relationships in the same category for a number of reasons, other people might not. Am I a liar?
I absolutely had no intent to deceive. I wanted above all to have a clean fresh start - the only reason I told him some things about the abuse was to explain my PTSD and certain specific reactions related to it.
But can you have this clean fresh start without holding certain things back? It's not damaged me at all to withhold this information - on the contrary - but I worry it's wrong and bad of me in relation to this other person.
See, I do consider myself as - before this person - utterly inexperienced. I have no memory, other than with this new person, of kissing or anything otherwise intimate, being good or wanted or existing at all. Which is why I realise I led him to believe this - and he's helped me, and we get on great and have a great thing going on.
Where he talks about ex girlfriends and the like, I don't see myself as having an equivalent, because I don't really remember ever wanting it or enjoying it - it was a role I filled.
But I realise now that technically as a 14 year old I did have a boyfriend, and my first kiss was years ago. I just don't classify that forceful, wrong things as anything like the relationship I have with this person. I consider this person my first kiss, and this is what I told him. Which was not a lie - but suddenly I realise, it actually was?
Is it my prerogative to hold certain things back? And is it possible to hold certain things back (like colourful chaotic pasts due to abuse - as in as a reaction to abuse) without lying outright?
What is privacy?
I feel terrible. We're primarily friends. The intimacy thing (though great!!) is just something I wanted to try out, no expectations attached.
But I'm panicked. Upon realising that I guess I've been dishonest - do I need to talk and tell him about it?
I realise this is so long, sorry!
I care about this person a great deal as a friend and I'm worried I've led him to think of me as something I'm not.
Your opinions would mean a lot, thank you.
