Worse ptsd because trans bf is transitioning

[CoalStars]

My bf (a trans man) and I have been together over 2 years. I always knew about and supported his decision to transition one day. Well, that day is here! Technically, that day was here three months ago when he got his first testosterone injection.

The problem is I was, hhh, *hurt* by a guy, when I was a kid. My brains always tries to trick me into thinking my bf is my abuser, and now it's getting much harder to convince myself my bf ISNT my abuser. As my bf transitions, he's starting to terrify me, just because he has a deepening voice and he's getting facial hair. He's just getting to be more and more like the guy who hurt me, physically. They don't even look alike. They're very different heights and complexions and differ vastly in personality. But as my bf gets more facial hair and as his jawline gets more pronounced, I get frightened by him. I get flashbacks looking at him. Its hard to snuggle him at night because that can give me panic attacks when my brain screams "YOURE HUGGING YOUR ABUSER!" It's very scary.

I'm sure I'll eventually adjust, but in the meantime--how do I cope with this? Normally if my brain is being a jerk and telling me "your boyfriend is your abuser" I focus on my bf's voice or his face, but those things are becoming more similar to my abuser now. My old tricks don't work anymore. Any advice for handling this?? Anythingwould be helpful, I am absolutely lost and have no clue how to work this out.

 

[EveHarrington]

Have you tried self talk?

My boyfriend is not my abuser.
My boyfriend is safe.
My boyfriend has never abused me.
My boyfriend loves me.
Etc...

 

[Teasel]

Hi @CoalStars Welcome to the forum :)

I can imagine this must be ever so frustrating / confusing / frightening for you. I found myself wondering if CBT might possibly be really helpful for you with this. There are plenty of books you can buy on it and they will teach you the method just fine - though if you can access a CBT therapist, even if only for a few sessions, to teach you the method, maybe point out any blind spots that could be very helpful indeed.

 

[CoalStars]

I do try self-talk, but it usually doesn't help. I've also got a therapist back home that I'll work through this. Unfortunately I'm away from her for a while.

 

[VanVonNocturne]

I have a similar problem.

When I was a little boy my biological father was abusive to me, both verbally and physically. He was also an alcoholic and had a drug problem. In my current years I have a friend who's boyfriend is a serious alcoholic. When he isn't drinking he's cool, but sometimes when he's on the sauce he goes off! While he has never done anything to me, he bares a lot of resemblance to my biological father-which, of course, triggers me to a degree. On the outside I look fine, but on the inside I feel a small knot in my stomach, and (due to being molested by my biological father) I sometimes get sexually aroused followed by a headache and a feeling of (for lack of better word) being covered in slime or gunk. (I think this symbolises the disgust that many sexual abuse survivours feel about their unfortunate encounter(s)). I don't like her boyfriend-just to be clear!

I see that many on here have suggested self talk. This works for me, but what I find helpful is distracting myself by talking with my friend and getting lost in conversation with her.
Another thing I do is what I call "labeling". Look at your boyfriend and label him, in your head, as "boyfriend" or "(his name here)=boyfriend". While doing this recall all of the most meaningful moments you've shared with him and associate that with him. In the meantime, do the same thing with the asswipe that abused you. Think of his face (or a symbol to symbolise him, or a word you don't use often or have made up-whichever is comfortable for you), and think to yourself "asswipe". Do this until you can associate the negative feelings you have with asswipe and not with your boyfriend. Hope this helps!