Worst Day At The Clinic

[Chava]

Probably not the worst in terms of tests, procedures, pain, etc, but it's like I hit my limit!!! It's been especially lots of ob/gyn stuff...it's sometimes like a morphing of some of my worst experiences into one, but I've been really level-headed, present, patient, etc. But this time I hid in a bathroom at the clinic for half an hour (or longer, not actually sure) afterwards, first crying, then just staring at specks on the floor. Part of me accepted just settling and not wanting to head right out into crowds of strangers and traffic and other moving objects. Part of me kept in the small, still space because everything was starting to feel unreal. A smaller, contained space (that nobody else can enter) helps me sort of keep ground. I'm hanging out in the smallest, most interior room of my house, feeling very anti-social (like f#%k the world). Trying to keep real to myself. I need to schedule another appointment but I'm sure I won't do that soon. I'm totally maxed out.

 

[Em C.]

I know that feeling. Maybe watch a happy movie or something?

*hugs*

 

[Nam]

I wish going to things we don't enjoy was just a little easier. Not in terms of our emotions (which would be nice...)but the practical stuff. The getting dressed, facing the world, navigating traffic, trying to be nice to people. Heck, we have to actually talk about ourselves...All of that seems so daunting. Wouldn't it be nice if the doc just showed up and we felt safe the whole time? Little steps. Even though it's hard to see it, there are positives. You went. When it got to be too much, you went to a place that was safe for you. You grounded yourself with the specks on the floor. You didn't just close your eyes and decided it was all over. You didn't give in. It's okay to shrink your world to what you can handle. When you are ready, you will open the door.

 

[Chava]

I'm never going back. Everything I've tried has been hell. To that clinic I'm feeling like I'M DONE, F384CKERS. My life has just been a downward spiral of trying something new a doc suggests, letting them mess around in there all to just make guesses and give me the same drugs they give everyone else anyway...meanwhile quitting stuff and isolating myself because I'm too tired, in pain or can't keep up with my life, so sucking all the meaning I had created out of it. Like I'm dying even though I thought I was trying harder to live. Joke's on me.

I've been feeling WORSE but blinding myself with hope. And now probably insurance won't pay for my therapy either(someone was going to call me back a couple days ago...I'll try again at some point but it doesn't look good). I've made all kinds of "good" choices, or so I thought and it all feels like a f((cking joke. I'm trapped in my body and nobody can help me and I feel STUPID for trying to be like everyone else and believe it is right to ask for help or try interventions, meds, ask for support, call the doctor when it hurts, bla bla bla. No, it doesn't work like that. Or it doesn't work for me. F*ck it. I "recovered" from anorexia, met with specialists, gained weight, took good care of myself, and everything just got really bad in different ways. There is no way out because, while I've struggled for many years, I have tried seriously to transform my life or connection to my self and my body for about five years, every day. My hope is a joke. I feel so stupid. Dumbsh#t. I'm going to be one-with-trees...

(sorry to come on here and just be a total a#$hole)

 

[Seasounds]

Sorry for your pain.Trees are a safe connection for me, too. Hope you feel better.

 

[Chava]

I'm angry but the good thing is it feels like I'm wanting to forgive my body for this...for pain, for interventions not working right so far. I just need a break.