Worst Trigger I've Had In A While

[Matilda]

It's been a long time since I've been on this forum and that's mostly because I was doing pretty well. Fluoxetine has been doing wonders with my brain and I've been on a great track to transferring to a state college with a scholarship. Then came last week; I could feel my brain changing. I just woke up and felt at the bottom of the hill again. I skipped two of my classes since I knew that wouldn't affect my grade. I had midterms the next week and started getting as much done as I could before I could slip down the slope too much. My mom's fiance came for the weekend (whom, I love. He's a great father figure and I am slightly disappointed that she met him when I'm just about to leave home), but he had to leave early on Sunday (4 days earlier than expected) for some circumstances. A few minutes after he left one of the people who completely abandoned me last year texted me asking if I would get coffee with her. Shortly after that I was driving and spotted a man who looked so much like my father that I have been avoiding for more than a year now that I went into full panic mode and drove to the police station as a precaution. I couldn't do anything after that. For the past 3 days I'm barely passing by. I'm not eating, not sleeping, missing some more classes because I feel exhausted, filled with conflicting rage, bitterness, and incredible sadness, and I'm even having to convince teachers to give me an extension without any medical reason because I just can't do it. Why does this never end. This is like a cycle of being on a high, trigger, down slope, meds... I'm trying to eliminate all triggers so this won't happen again. I spoke to my mom and asked her to try advising me before hand that her fiance might leave unexpectedly, I texted the girl and told her she needed to stop texting me just so I can respond without her ever responding back, and well I'll just have to live with the prospect of running into my dad, but I'm taking more precautions. I just hate that the only comforting thought at this time suicidal ideation. I keep thinking that there is always a way out. I would never do it, but as long as that option does exist then I don't feel so claustraphobic. (Again, I wouldn't commit suicide, but it's just a coping mechanism)

 

[Jnean]

Just read your message. Welcome to state college, I'm so sorry that you are having a hard start. It can be difficult I have found to think you've run into your abuser, predator, or person who hurt you, what ever you might say. And it's hard running into those people too. I recently wanted to say something so badly to someone that I've known since repressed memories started coming back about a year ago, that he hurt me as a child. All that I could do when I saw him was run away for awhile. I felt better in hiding. I now can ignore his presence however I still get sick to my stomach when I see him. I'm hopeful that next I can look at him with disgust at least. And a goal is to say something that could feel empowering to me.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

It's been a long time since I've been on this forum and that's mostly because I was doing pretty well. F...

So sorry you are having such a bad time

This might sound really ironic but for me, triggers help me remember to live in the present moment -

I am not sure this is true for everyone but when something triggers me I think it is because I immediately go back to the moment or times when that thing cause me harm or I was afraid it would cause me harm

But when I can grab my mind and say wait - I am in the present moment right now and I don't have to be afraid right now and I can have more control of the situation then when it happened before - I feel better and the triggers do not last as long -

I fight the impulse to drop back to the past when that horrible thing happened - I work in staying in the moment and realizing I have the ability to be more in control now then before and I can have more courage, sanity and presence just being in the moment and therefore I am much more in control of my fate than I used to be

I hope you find your way back to okey very soon

Namaste - Laurie

 

[anonymous]

In reading your entr, I wonder if can change the environment you are in, while still get your degree, and also if you can keep solid boundaries with the people that cause you discomfort?

Particular environments and particular people, are more of a challenge than I can manage, even though I hate to admit and see my limitations.