Worthlessness

[The Albatross]

Never forget 3 types of people on your life.
1) who helped you in your difficult time.
2) who left you in your difficult time.
3) who put you in your difficult time.

Hmm. I prefer to never forget where my focus is... I go at it from a sense of personal responsibility. My thoughts, feelings, perspective... my life... my growth opportunity... should I choose to take personal responsibility.

 

[The Albatross]

people seem to treat me in any sort of way with no remorse. I'm just doomed to be mistreated and abused by everyone in my life. I wish I could just end it so people wouldn't have to put up with me. all I hear are the following: you're nothing but a joke, you are nothing but drama and stress, you're annoying, I don't want you in my life, you're too cling, you're too obsessive, etc. .... I feel soooo worthless and people seem to just not give two shits

The bottom line with regard to how I am treated by others and when I find myself with people or in repeated situations that cause mistreatment or emotional harm or insults/put downs - I am the common denominator and I have to buckle down and go back to the unreasonable expectations I have about other people. It is a heck of a strain to put my own sense of worthlessness on to people and expect them to give two shits, when I don't or am not willing to self examine and take personal responsibility for my choices.

I can then turn toward breaking the cycle... of choosing or being in situations that result in toxic/hurtful criticisms. But I am personally responsibility for my life, choices, perceptions, and can decide to act to change it... OR I can feel worthless, do nothing and expect more of the same... repeating the cycle ad infinitum (to infinity).

 

[The Albatross]

Lionheart touched on it... worthlessness is a construct that is detrimental and can hold you back... in relationships and your sense of self. Self examine.

 

[The Albatross]

Last thought, I promise. I had to learn to distinguish the difference between genuine insult or hurtful words and criticism. Anthony has a great article on criticism. It took me a bit of work to learn it and the key point for me is usually pausing and asking myself "Is this a good willed/well intentioned person?" If so, I try to resist going to my default/knee jerk retort/response/reaction. If not, I consider the source, weigh the merits and detriments of the relationship and take the actions necessary to either address it head on with communication or kick them the heck out of my life.

 

[Powder]

Melody, anyone who didn't have the loving mother who knew the real you feels like you describe until we begin to re-parent the self and replace the mother relationship with a better one... we can then pick up the pieces and start living again.

I agree with @Solara that though we define ourselves, that's not much good to us until we see who we think we are reflected in the eyes of someone else who cares.

How sure am I that I am "me" if I don't see anyone for the rest of my life?

I would know myself as well as I would know my facial expression without a mirror. I could not practice raising one eyebrow without a mirror or a friend to tell me about it. Who would know how to make me laugh? How often would I laugh on a deserted island? Who would teach me the art of loving myself by seeing myself through his eyes? I never had that reflection growing up. I believed I could find it, and I set out searching.

Sure, there were some scraped knees, but I was lucky and found someone to love, who loves me. :) He is how I learned that nobody truly sees you clearly until they see you through the eyes of love. Then, they see you as you truly are, at your best, and they reflect it back to you often, so that you actually become your best self. It is art, reflecting life, reflecting art. It's wonderful when its working right.

Like you, I didn't have a great mirror at all with my mother (or father). So I was pretty sure I was as ugly and useless as they seemed to see me. Funny thing: They were telling me who THEY were, not who I was. They actually don't see me or know me. The "me" they see is nothing more than a faint resemblance of me, really a figment of their twisted imagination.

But these people @Melody coates who say these things are not reflecting well to you; they are telling you that you are all the things they hate about themselves. They need to put it on you.

You'll know you have a "mirror" friend worth keeping around when it shines back BOTH love/kindness AND an accurate reflection of the sum total of WHO YOU TRULY ARE, and appreciates it enough to BE the SUM TOTAL of WHO THEY TRULY ARE back with respect and No strings attached. Take it or leave it. No pressure.

You'll slowly collect better mirrors if you want to. Thanks for sharing your process. You have good people and good advice here. Hugs.