Relationship Wow.. Had A Talk With My Sufferer Last Night.

[Angus McGee]

Well, I made it through Night 1 of her in her own place. If going through this is anything like going through the death of a loved one, it should only get easier from here.

I've severed all communication so I can respect her space/isolation. I told her yesterday that I would love to hear from her, but will not ask how things are going. I will wait for her to tell me on her own.

The ball from here on out is most definitely in her court now.

She told me that she feels like a monster, and that she doesn't want to disappoint me again by making false promises about our future. No matter how many times I tell her that she is not a monster, and she hasn't disappointed me, she has convinced herself she has. I know that it is the PTSD infected brain that's caused her to feel that way.

My exact quote was "You are not a monster. Monstrous things have happened to you to make you act this way. I do not blame you for any of this."

 

[Angus McGee]

Angus, ptsd is like something (for the sufferer) where the rules always change, also- very good analogy.

I am just wondering, if caring for your youngest may have been too much for her, everything else included, or (going out on a limb here) that even becoming pregnant and having your little one may have followed too closely (or been intertwined, mentally) with the conditions that precipitated her relapse? JMHO, of course, but may explain some of the anger directed at you (not justified, but that is ptsd during it's most painful parts).

Prayers and hugs.

I ABSOLUTELY feel that getting pregnant (it was a very difficult pregnancy, and she was being pressured into terminating by her co-workers, even though that would never even be considered an option for either of us) contributed to her PTSD relapse. There were a number of contributing factors. Getting pregnant was just one of them.

 

[Bachall]

Last night I was totally convinced my DH was deliberately keeping me out of the loop. We do have communication issues because he forgets to tell me, well, just about everything. It depends on my mood though whether I can see it as simply *his* problem, or whether I make it all about me.

I was doing really well for a while. Now I feel like someone possessed. I think later, "That was so lame."

What would be awesome, is something I dreamed last night. DH came up and said, "Hey, did I ever apologize for forgetting to tell you I'd withdrawn all that money?"

And it gave me the chance to say how sorry I was for being such a beast over it.

I think it's hard to argue if one person only wants to say they are sorry, but it's hard to be the first one. Even harder is doing it and realizing the other person might just say, "I forgive you. I hope you learned your lesson," when they are far the worse offender!

But an open bridge back is an act of love with a life of its own. :)

 

[Stacie]

I really wish you the best. Your wife is blessed to have someone who is so understanding.

When things got really bad for me, I felt the need to be on my own, to escape in order to fix things. And I did, which really hurt my significant other/soulmate. Not seeing things through my pain, all he could assume was that I wanted something different or better than what I had and that I didn't really love him anymore.

Looking back this was understandable since at the time I left- looking back I think I figured starting anew was easier than facing problems in my current reality- I was intentionally hurtful and mean. Now that I am back and we are trying to rebuild things, I am feeling even more that I am a monster, since only a monster would hurt and leave someone they love. Inever stopped loving him, I was just afraid of myself. But it turns out that you can't run from yourself.

Yesterday my therapist told me that we often take our anger out on those whom we have unconditional love with. Not because we hate them or want to hurt them but because we feel safe with them. I am not one who looks for excuses to forgive myself but she may have a point.

I don't know exactly your situation and I am sorry if this went off track a bit into my own.

Not being in the depths of PTSD and not filtering all of your thoughts through it yourself, it must be a constant struggle understanding your wife. It is almost like speaking to someone in another language. Only this language is so similar to your own that sometimes you forget the the two of you aren't actually speaking the same one.

I don't know if that makes any sense, but I applaud your strength and commitment, and wish you all the best. I am sending you waves of strength "~~~~~" because I feel your pain.

 

[Angus McGee]

Thank you, Stacie. Your post gives me hope. It sounds like she is exactly where you were. Everything you said "escape in order to fix things" is exactly the things she's been saying.

I get hope from the fact that you two were able to work things out, and come out the other side together.

It has been a challenge to love and support her while she was living under the same roof. In some ways, I think it will be easier for me personally with her gone, but on the other side, it will be more difficult to show support. Unless the support I show is just leaving her alone. It's very difficult and lonely for me not having her home, but the "her" that's been home these past few months is most definitely not the "her" that I fell in love with years ago.

I know what I need to do in this area. Being alone, playing single parent, etc. is the price I have to pay in the hopes that someday she will come home with her symptoms much more manageable.

Right now, however, it's hard to imagine her ever coming home. But, I'm still suffering from the shock of her move.

I've lost sleep, my appetite, etc. worrying about the day that she would move out. I did everything I could think of to make her want to stay, and yet, she is now gone. Yes, I'm hurt. Yes, I'm angry. It is very difficult not to blame her for her leaving, and to lay blame where it deserves to be laid. Those a*holes that hurt her, and caused her brain to go into *Safe Mode*.

I find myself distracted while at work, wondering what she is doing. How she did on her own last night. What her plans are for this weekend. I wait for my phone to buzz with a text message or email from her. It's been almost 24 hours now.

 

[jenkins123]

I feel for you Angus, I really do. As hard as it feels right now, try to remember the positives (as I see them);

• she knows that it is not you but "it" that is to blame for this isolation period, that's really good as often I hear supporters getting blamed by their sufferers
• she took ownership of the issues enough to get space to sort/manage "it", so she can come back to you
• she still wants/hopes/expects to come back to you (she said she does not want a divorce)
• (add to this list at will!)

Look after yourself, make time for you, stay emotionally strong. You can't know where this is going but you do still have hope.

 

[Angus McGee]

I think/hope she wants to come back, but refuses to admit it in the fears of disappointing me ("again" her word, not mine). Telling me she doesn't want/need a divorce, and that moving out is painful for her too helps, but I wonder how much of it is honest feeling, and how much of it is just telling me what she thinks I want to hear. In her *safe mode*, her body language is completely unreadable.

Both of us are completely unaware of the outcome of her treatment. We both have hopes, but it's still a huge unknown.

The rest of your post, Jenkins, hit the nail on the head.

Thank you.

 

[Nerdanna]

Angus,
I am praying for you.

 

[Angus McGee]

Thank you, Nerdanna.

:)

 

[Angus McGee]

that's really good as often I hear supporters getting blamed by their sufferers

Just wondering.. are you a counsellor/therapist?

 

[jenkins123]

Not at all, was dating someone with Complex ptsd. Just meant I heard this on several threads, and have also been at receiving end of blame by sufferer, later apologised for.

 

[Angus McGee]

I gotcha.

Thx..