Relationship Wow.. Had A Talk With My Sufferer Last Night.

[Angus McGee]

Last night was the last night my wife will be home before she moves into her own apartment to isolate and focus on her healing.

I think the best way to describe how I as her carer feel about discussions with her in her PTSD suffering state of mind is like this.

We have a 16yo daughter who's in a great youth group at the church. They have this card game they play called P-Bone. In it, the rules change as you play. IOW, it's much like UNO, where you have a number of cards in your hand, and lay them down one at a time depending on the suit of the card that's face up. However, once you win a hand, you make a new rule all the players have to play by. A new rule would be every time you lay down a king, you have to put both fists in the air, and shout "I RULE!" The only way the other players learn about this new rule however is by breaking it. The winner of the last hand, who made the new rule as a reward for winning the hand, then describes the rule that was broken.

In much the same way, having a discussion with my wife can be just as frustrating. The rules of the game change, and no one's been told until one's been broken. Since her relapse last fall, she has been talking about moving out. She said things like "You have to let me go" on many occasions. Right along with the line "You deserve better than me", etc. We've talked about her motivations behind those comments in another thread.

I know that she has been looking for a new place, looking at furniture, dishes, a TV, etc. to furnish her new home.

MY non-PTSD mind took all these actions as a rejection of me specifically, and our family as a whole. I felt like she very much wanted a divorce, and be done with me, and our children. The above actions in a non-sufferer would mean just that. However, in a sufferer starving for isolation, it means something very different. I'm just now learning that.

She said something that blew me away. "I know how hard this is on you. Don't think that me moving out is easy on me, either."

"What? This is all you've been talking about since your relapse. I find it very difficult to believe that this isn't something you want to do."

My reply very much upset her.

I HATE PTSD!!! ARGH!!!

 

[The Albatross]

Angus... we are to encourage, to build up, to edify. As long as we keep bouncing reactions at each other, my own husband and I stay in the pain and suffering zone.

 

[Angus McGee]

I really wasn't trying to hurt her. That's what is so frustrating. I was just being honest, and confused. I blame that confusion on the PTSD.

What I'm realizing is that she is seeing this time of her being away from home as a necessary evil to get to the long term goal of healing. I understand that PTSD is never truly healed (unless by a miraculous act), but I'm sure you all understand what I mean.

 

[KP the nut]

I hope she finds the peace she is seeking. I couldn't do it that way, I need my H and family.

((HUGS))
KP

 

[Kb3]

I'm sorry, this must be so hard for you and your family. I hope so much that your wife is able to find peace with her ptsd and that she is able to come home again. I wish you all the very best.

 

[Angus McGee]

Thank you. I very much hope so too.

I told my daughter in the truck last night, "For as much as I love Mommy, I'm sure not going to miss this Mommy." She agreed.

 

[Bachall]

Right before I melted down, I spent the last couple of years seeing my husband as the problem. In the last few months, this got worse until I completely identified him with the neglect and psychological abuse parts of my childhood experience.

Ugh. That's gonna be some fun therapy. :(

Anyway, I have no idea how common this is. But my constant thought was, that if I could just disconnect for a while, maybe I could get strong enough to go back and fix all the chaos I've allowed here. Then all the stuff my paranoid mind was seeing (still sees but for now I'm having a lucid moment), might get better.

I wish I could more than that small insight. I'm very new to this. Im hoping what just happened in terms of these sudden very acute symptoms, was that God sort of kicked me off the island before I closed the circle of blame and withdrawal on my family. :-/

I pray you and your family can catch hold of the Father's peace and hope!

 

[Angus McGee]

Thank you, Bachall. Somehow, God can and will use this for good. We just can't see it yet.

:)

 

[freakofnurture]

I'd say she needs to polish her communication skills. Also lack of communication isn't a problem specific to PTSD sufferers. It's the killer of many a relationship, casual as well as romantic.

You can't do more than try, Angus, and you can only work with what she gives you. Don't beat yourself up for something that's not your fault. You're no mind reader.

If I hadn't learned to tell my husband exactly how I'm feeling and what I currently need, I'd be impossible to live with; and he'd be the last person to blame for that :)

 

[Angus McGee]

Honestly, she has always been a great communicator. Up until recently. She has told me that in the middle of a thought, her mind will go completely blank. In fact, it happened in our talk last night.

I agree that poor communication is a killer.

 

[Tinyflame]

Angus, ptsd is like something (for the sufferer) where the rules always change, also- very good analogy.

I am just wondering, if caring for your youngest may have been too much for her, everything else included, or (going out on a limb here) that even becoming pregnant and having your little one may have followed too closely (or been intertwined, mentally) with the conditions that precipitated her relapse? JMHO, of course, but may explain some of the anger directed at you (not justified, but that is ptsd during it's most painful parts).

Prayers and hugs.

 

[Kintsugi]

Also lack of communication isn't a problem specific to PTSD sufferers.

I agree that it isn't unique to PTSD, but I do believe that PTSD creates these problems or otherwise makes them much, much more challenging. Interpersonal relationships... the concept of relationships... can get really screwed up for a sufferer, particularly if the trauma they suffered was highly interpersonal (i.e. not just an accident, natural disaster, or a stranger but a domestic violence situation or otherwise long-term abuse within some kind of relationship).

Angus, I'm sorry that this conversation was a struggle. We're here to cheer you on in this very painful process. I often become totally obsessed with escape during various times. In fact, I got into my car after being at the park with my dog for awhile, turned to her and said, "If we don't get the f*ck out of here soon I'm going to die." I MUST travel. I MUST get away. No matter how that happens, I need escape. Escape, escape, escape. It drives me mad. I sometimes can't fall asleep because all I want to do is run. Where? Away. That's all I can think. I need to get somewhere that is "away." I don't even know what that means. I just want it. Insatiably.

I spent the last couple of years seeing my husband as the problem. In the last few months, this got worse until I completely identified him with the neglect and psychological abuse parts of my childhood experience.

I have a huge problem with this. When I'm in a relationship, often I immediately feel trapped, and my first instinct is to run. My second is to begin to resent whoever I'm with, because I see them as someone holding me hostage in this trapped situation. I've gotten way better at those sensations, dealt with them way better. But I still can't help (or haven't figured out how to help) transferring all of my issues onto my partner. I see him as the creator of all of my problems... why? I don't know. He's a male I respect. Those are who have abused me in the past. I trust him. Trust is dangerous and evil to me, and a set up for disappointment. Maybe it is just the product of overwhelming suspicion. That's probably it. Overwhelming suspicion. I am waiting, waiting for him to hurt me.

But these are all just thoughts and feelings. Not realities. The contradiction between those things is also overwhelming and confusing. Wracks my brain, exhausts me, bewilders me. It is very hard to accept reality when everything inside of you is telling you that it's a lie. That reality is just as scary as my head tells me it is. That the reality I'm trying to embrace is just false security.

I'm not trying to hijack your thread, Angus. I just identify highly with the desperate and contradictory feelings of wanting to isolate, push away, be alone, get away from those I love. *sigh* I hope that in some way through expressing how I feel in your threads, I will help you. Somehow.

(((((((Angus)))))))