Writing A Letter To My Attacker?

[UConnclar]

Hi Everyone,
I'm finally starting to feel like I have this PTSD beast by the tail rather than it controlling me. My therapist and I have been working really closely for the past year and she recommended I write a letter to the guy that raped me.

Part of me really wants to and part of me is nervous about doing it. I could really use your thoughts please!

Here's a little background:
Will was a really close family friend whom I worked for. He caught me alone in a bathroom and raped me which left me with an STD. Since I didn't expect that from him and was so numb, I never reported the rape or went to the hospital. It's been eight years and technically I should still have seven more before the statute of limitations runs out but the authorities won't listen to me. They said it will be a case of he said/she said.

I'm trying to put some closure on this and feel like I want to put shame back where it belongs. I have written Will lots of letters over the years but haven't ever sent any of them.

Thanks so much!
Meg

 

[Claire]

Hello Meg,

What do you want from the guy? What do you want him to say? Is the letter going to give you that? Is he going to reply? would you want him to or do you just want your say? Would you want to meet him to talk to him? What do you need from the situation?

My therapist has suggested I do the same to the man that drove into me. I thought about it. I've never felt angry with the guy that hit me. A little pissed off but not anger because I could have done the same thing myself as, at the time; I drove too fast too. When I thought about it it was the Police I was angry with. I wrote them a letter about how I felt they had failed me and how the law doesn't take mental/emotional injury (PTSD in my case) seriously. I lack respect for the Police now too because of what happened, they never prosecuted the guy or even gave him points. I haven't sent the letter yet but working that out helped. I may still send it but I really, really dont want to be fobbed off with a standard photocopied 'victim support' letter.

 

[Nicolette]

I'm trying to put some closure on this and feel like I want to put shame back where it belongs. I have written Will lots of letters over the years but haven't ever sent any of them.

Hi Meg

While I have suffered a variety of abuse I have always sought therapy as I always mentally struggled to process what had happened and why?

A therapist once said to me that, it's not about his/her reaction to your letter/talk but it is about what you need to do/say for you to feel better and heal.

You can't change the past, what you did or didn't do nor the statue of limitations however you can express and release all your hurt, anger, confusion, betray and whatever in your letter. The healing is about you and not your perpetrator. It doesn't matter what he thinks as he is low life scum for doing what he did in the first place and only he can change himself. Even if you send a letter it will be no different from not sending it as either way you will not see his reaction. The other thing to consider is if you do send one and he responds is that someone you want to bring back into your life? You may be even giving him back his power as he knows he is still affecting you. Depends on how sick he is?!

I had a boyfriend who punched me in the face and split above my eye open..... someone who said they wanted to marry me and loved me. I struggled for years trying to process it.I did go to the police and he did get charged. However he appealed his charge and got off on a technicality that the first charge/convinction was too high and since the lesser charge was brought up in the first hearing it was a case of double jeopardy. So while I used the system I feel it failed me.

I changed cars as I lived in the same area as this person and I even would not drive down the street near where he worked...seeing his van scared me. Anthony eventually made me drive down the street (exposure therapy) but there are still times today when I see his type of car that my heart misses a beat.

My personal struggle wasn't the abuse but the definition of love as I could not comprehend how this man could do this and within hours act like he loved me when we went to the doctors. There are many things I would like to have changed on that afternoon but I can't. Now I realise that it was his issues that caused him to act how he did and he was wrong for doing it.

As for closure, well, I found peace realising I was smart enough to go to the police (it took me a day) as if I had stayed, which was definitely possible afterwards when the remorse set in, I could possibly be dead now. I did all I could and that is what I have to live with.

Closure is acceptance of the situation. Yes it is too late for you to change the events of what transpired but you may now be able to focus on the lessons the situation taught you and how it changed you for a stronger and smarter person. I know it was the day I stopped enabling men! :rolleyes:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Oh, I saw your post on another site and responded to you there. I urge you to be careful with how you go about writing your letter. This has the potential to blow up in your face and make things worse.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Have you considered writing the letter, saying everything that you can possibly think of, having a ceremony of some sort, and then either burning or burying the letter.......

There is a saying........When we ask our abusers WHY? We open the door for more abuse!

It's a fine line that we walk. Sometimes it is best to confront your abuser, and other times, it's not a good idea, and can cause you more harm than good. Make your decision based on what you feel is right for you.....

I wish you well, this is certainly a hard decision.....

 

[UConnclar]

Thanks everyone!

I am going to take my time with this one. Part of me is thinking that I should have a fire and burn all of the letters I've written over the years along with all the journals I've been keeping.

The other part of me is so angry and out for revenge in a way.

-Meg

 

[Nicolette]

When my first marriage broke down I had a 'burning ceremony' in a metal garbage bin and I just stood there watching it burn into ashes...it was a big release as those things no longer belonged in my life.

 

[suzie q]

Hey there Meg...

I've had experience with both sides of the letter writing fence. Some I have written like I was standing there talking to their faces. For those, I would call all my friends and have a "dance around the fire." Letters went in fire, we all hooped and hollered dancing around the fire screaming anything that came to mind. This helped me let go of things that were harmful to my well being and spirit. It cleaned out unnecessary things from the past. I always wrote these letters fast so that I didn't get hung up on words. I would read them out loud and then, dance and burn!!! Those always seemed to go away first and I never understood how being goofy and loud would do the job. It was really fun and my friends to support me helped me move on.

The other type of letter I wrote was to work on getting things in order. The ages, places, times, locations, etc... They were like writing my history to each individual that had abused or hurt me. Some of these I would keep for information's sake. Maybe like an individual diary to each perpetrator.

I hate writing, but each time I did, I couldn't stop once I started. My memories and feelings were the ink and paper. They all flowed together. Some of my best therapy work was done with letter writing. As long as I didn't try to correct or grade my writing, everything came out the way it was supposed to. It's a great technique!

 

[wattle]

About a month back my therapist asked me to write a letter to my mother, not to send but to burn so that I could move on from her hurt. I thought at the time yeah right, like that is going to help, but once I started, it all came pouring out and boy did I cry, I couldn't burn it because we're in drought and have a total fire ban at the moment but I did end up putting it through the shredder and then into the compost bin, worked a treat. Last time I went to the therapist he asked if it had helped writing the letter, I have to say I'm not sure, yes I howled when I was writing it, does it make me feel any better about Mum not likely but she isn't in my thoughts quite as much.
Just to add though, writing a letter to my attacker would be a different thing, I don't even want to think about that, maybe in the future though, who knows.