easier for blame to move back over
Wise I think, to not post the I hate my inner child stuff. Maybe. But yes keeping the blame of yourself is smart. In the distant future maybe can eliminate blame entirely, but that's pretty tough.
maybe why a lot dont get me? I dont know.
More probably get you than you believe, but yes you have a long road to travel where not many people are going to have walked in your shoes. Finding ways to help others who have been through things you have survived is one good way to deal with this. f*ck normal, not in the cards.
I just want to be more 'normal'; someone people arent repulsed by :(
Most people are repulsed by normal.
doesnt help unless someone else can read it.
I have had a lot of processing that had to be done alone, had to sever all ties because it wasn't helping to deal with all their shit on top of my own. But the mind does not do well in isolation, without outside inputs it goes crazy because there is no way to challenge existing beliefs or learn new skills by talking to oneself. Solitary confinement is cruel and unusual punishment. I came across this story of this guy who had this rare condition where he was completely paralyzed and couldn't move his eyes or talk, and his family kept feeding him but began to assume he must not even be in there. His mom one day even said right to him, I wish you would die already. He lived like this for iirc 12 years, and then began to emerge, having made up his mind to live. He's got a book about it which is in my queue. f*cking amazing stuff, makes me tear up and feel hope.
I still have the feeling of standing all alone at a prom....
Dance in the dark. But yeah, I have had this feeling often, and definitely have before on this site. Keep in mind that everyone has their own stuff going on. Also attachment disorders can feel like this when there's the sense of being left alone. It is imo pretty sane -- everyone's left me and I don't know what to do about it so let me assume it's because of the messages I got as a kid and it's all my fault, etc. The reality is it probably is something you don't know you're doing, sometimes, but then what can one do? Take a break and go connect somewhere else, or just suck it up and offer someone else help who is feeling lonely are some thoughts. Being able to sit with oneself is progress. Some monks can sit alone on frozen mountaintops for days with steam pouring off their bodies as they burn off karma. I forgot what we're talking about. Little J has yet to complain, and it's his thread.
can there be just too much trauma where one is f*cked up for life?
Unfortunately yes. I met a guy (for instance), Vietnam vet, who gave me a cig then bought me a beer (I had to kill some time), kept saying things like "hey, you can trust me. If you ever lied to me I'd kill you in a heartbeat and drop you in the river! I'm your friend..." He seemed pretty intent that I was CIA or some shit and ironically would not quite believe me that I got where he was coming from. Next thing I knew I was puking on the street, having not slept in 30 hours, and I remember thinking, shit, is that guy my future? But I've met plenty of people who have survived terrible traumas and healed immensely. I don't think it's the trauma itself (nor the severity of PTSD), it's an infinite number of factors, and healing is always accessible.
But also, the idea that we have to do X years of work to "fix" ourselves and then finally get to live a happy / normal life is just BS. Life doesn't work like that, at all. We slog through it with our scars and can heal or fall back depending on how we are living. The way to get permanently stuck is to just hyperfocus on oneself and one's own pain. The way out is the opposite.
see you getting better before my eyes. You inspire me :)
I appreciate that. I see myself getting better, or feeling better, and it's like a miracle some days. But never sure if my feeling better is making others see me as getting worse or being a total loon as the case may be.
Talk to "little J" in a series of several posts.
That's not a bad idea. This one is pretty hosed. But he's used to that. I'll maybe do that though.
Some of the best music and poetry I can think of is written just like this. Bad lyrics are often of the form "I felt so ___ because *you* blah blah blah" Awesome songs often have more ambiguity because the artist is writing to themselves. Sad but true. \m/ Truth is beauty; beauty truth.
Go bug other people now, little J wants his thread back! But thanks lostforgottensoul. You are inspiring people too. When you feel smacked down, practice sitting with it and reflecting on why. Everyone here as far as I can tell is trying to be helpful and supportive and people who aren't disappear or get banned pretty quickly. And when people are ignoring you, keep in mind that doesn't necessarily mean anything at all, just that they are responding to other people. You can always learn lessons from the universe if you listen for what you yourself hear, irregardless of whether their comments are consciously about you.
