Childhood Writing To My Inner Child

[Deleted member 20978]

I really don't know how to approach this but have been inspired by others and like this idea so much, so going to take a tiny step and try..

It's hard not to want to give warnings from the future, but that's not the point. I don't want to tell the kid he's gonna have to raise himself or to invest in Apple or any of that. And there is a difference between Little J, who is a part that on occasion has come out, and the actual little kid me, back then. I am not sure which one to write to...

~~~

Dear little jemini,

You are wanted and loved. Your parents both love you. They are going through their own troubles and that is not your fault.

You have feelings just like everybody does, and that's okay. You deserve to be hugged and you should be taken care of. I know how hard it is that you're left alone so much, I am having the tears.

~~~

need to stop thats all for now

:cry:

 

[Fadeaway]

It's a big step. It is hard to not want to give warnings to you younger self. My T and I went rounds on this because when she asked me to do this, I just wanted to warn my little self that she needed to toughen up, close herself off and prepare for a rough road ahead. I guess that is exactly what you aren't supposed to want to tell your little self.

It is about showing our little selves compassion and it seems like you are on the right track.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

This was very hard. I imagined it would be, but didn't get very far and it was heavy tears, very salty. After I finally felt the elusive grounding feeling I've been lacking, and spacey (not dissociative). Have felt calmer than all day after writing this, also still very sad. I will come back another day and add more. I don't know how to do this really.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

@Fadeaway thank you. Cross-posted there. I feel this was very significant step. Scary to bare my soul as much as I have on the site. Even as I feel judgments from different quarters, I've been choosing to do this, to explode myself. But it's still scary. Feel like there's all these more grown-up people who are further in their work.

It's also something I realized tonight, that I did not have PTSD before 2013. I can forget this. I had CPTSD, but with far fewer symptoms. The childhood stuff is the stuff I really want to work on, but the recent stuff makes things feel pretty intense.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Writing to my inner child really helped me bring down the manic energy and ended up sleeping better. I wish I could remember my actual dreams instead of living inside one so often. Should start a fight club. Where do I take this pain of mine?

Also, note to my younger self, before I have my coffee and forget: just be yourself, it's okay. Honesty is good. And don't hide your feelings. Mom didn't mean what she said when you asked for a cookie, she's just terrified and sad herself. It may not feel like this now, but some day you will find there are just so many lights in the world if you trust yourself. (Also don't ever be afraid of the dark, too much light was Icarus's claim to fame.)

More tears but one step at a time.

Oh and little J: you're not crazy. But you will be. It's okay though. Everyone feels it unless they're dead inside.

Little J says shut up yer making me think too hard. Lol. Fair enough.

=j

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. "You're not crazy. But you will be."? I think I would self examine that one. Do you mean confidence for example... everyone feels a crisis of confidence (or some such word exchange) unless they're dead inside? My normie peeps don't seem to entertain the notion you suggest. Just sayin'.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

No I was being pretty literal on that one. Just trying to reassure him. Crazy isn't permanent. It's a tempest at times, but eventually everyone gets voted off the island.

Oops, sorry literal is giving me issues lately. I mean to say, when I had to lock myself in my room without food all night and was terrified to ask for anything and had no one to turn to to even try to understand what I was feeling, I began to feel blamed. And would over time be told explicitly that I was to blame. That her threats were inevitable because "We didn't know then that you were mentally ill, J" She has persisted in this belief to present day. So I want little me to know he wasn't crazy to feel so scared and small and helpless. And also to know, yes, he will end up crazy eventually, talking about himself in the 3rd person future tense to a bunch of other lovely crazies. And it's all good, as we said in Athens.

If that makes sense.

Deleted added points about how I feel about my normies. Little J doesn't need to hear that stuff.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Holy cow. Little J sang me a couple lines of Let it Go. No joke.

I am f*cking crazy. But okay kid, I'm trying.. The world pisses me off sometimes is all, it's not your fault. It's not your fault..

Some people owe me big time is ... okay okay. Letting it go for now. Jeesh.

 

[Born to Run]

Feel like there's all these more grown-up people who are further in their work.

Use them, don't fear them. These people should never judge, as should nobody else.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

@Born to Run I believe I understand. But don't want to use people either. It's a dance, we're all dewdrops reflecting the universe and yeah. Know that's not what you meant, I agree with you. I am eternally grateful for other people, trust me. Just, the process of burning myself away is ugly sometimes.

Should. Should not. We all do though.

FWIW I hope we all get to go to the parties on FTL ships and play among the stars. I would like to meet many of you too, whether in this life or the next. It is an honor and a privilege to be here.

Little J, age 11, said some things that I'm afraid to post about. They scare me because... precocious kid. And I can imagine much of what I say, some people get it's all true and others think it's all made up. To compound matters, I basically agree with Tarantino, there isn't really much difference between truth and fiction. The trick is to keep weaving new stories. Even the stuff most people agree is real in the world, it's all illusion. Wool.

To be 100% clear, I never make up stuff and claim it happened. On this site, I'm telling about my real life. In other places, writing fiction. I assume people know this, and I suppose at some level, doesn't matter.

Blah blah blah blah blah I need to stop polluting this thread, little J is MIA.. I expect I will write more to him in a day or two or longer. It really breaks me down pretty fast as soon as I start.

 

[Born to Run]

Just, the process of burning myself away is ugly sometimes.

I hear you. I have never started a thread on here. You are doing good.

Re using; no indeed not meant as using people in a negative way, more informative.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Thank you for saying I'm doing good. It's hard to know. I really am having to burn and destroy Jemini in order to move forwards. Hoping I'll be dead by Easter... Not literally, just worrying about being so exposed I suppose. I'm pretty anxious about how that all may play out, and truly am counting on good will from folks to get me through it. Triple anniversary coming in April.

I was born on the same day as the Buddha according to Nepalese calendar. May 25. Same day the first 6 Star Wars movies came out. Made a suicide attempt on Easter, 1991, and woke up next day, April Fool's, in the loony bin. I have no idea what these facts mean, but all true. My IRL name from the Greek means seeker of truth. All very very odd... My triple anniversary then is April 1 / Easter and then dad's memorial and Marathon Bombing both on April 15, 2 years apart, Patriot's Day in MA and Tax Day in US. When I was 33 I was working as a carpenter and hurt my hand and had to quit, first time I really started having mania and delusional schemas as I was out of work and homeless (took in by a Buddhist monk for a bit) and playing guitar on the street outside Harvard. I've been born again several times, and it never seems to get less confusing, what's it all about?

Sorry to I'm not sure who for hijacking my own thread here. I think little J is reading but silent, as he tends to be. Want him to know: you are actually important and life is really long so don't give up. Somewhere there's a place where we belong. Got to wade through a lot of shit but there's a cherry at the bottom. Allegedly.