you do EVERYTHING your supposed to but still cant hold on

[AJ45]

one hold and hold on to keep holding on and fighting through what really cant be fought.

trying to survive just to keep fighting to barely survive.

I do therapy i do meds see psych etc etc etc...

But its like as much as you want to keep fighting, in real life there is no fight left and nothing left. only thing left is to to be done and that its okay to be done, we all fight some make it and some dont. I can see visions of me just disappearing....

 

[Wendell_R]

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I hope this bad spell will pass and you will find a little more peace. I know it's a long, hard journey sometimes.

 

[Whirlwind]

I can see visions of me just disappearing....

I know the feeling. I marvel at times at my unfortunate experiences and yet somehow I am here.

But you are still here. That is tremendous in of itself.

I came here in a funk yesterday and here I am what...24 hours later? These sweet people said just the right things and I feel a whole heck of a lot better.

3 yrs ago I resigned myself to my situation (abuser) ending me. I decided it didn't matter anymore, he could just do it, my life was garbage with him anyway. My future terrifying.

The crazy thing is "giving up" gave me strength. I don't know your situation but sometimes the strangest things turn out to be the keys to the lock. My "giving up" got me to stand up and walk away despite all of the hurdles ahead.

And things can change fast. In an amazing way.

I honestly can't believe I am here today and many things are wonderful. It is so so much better and that was after a brutal long horrible unkind unfair.....etc etc.

Its ok to take a break sometimes and rest. The energy rebuilds and the sky is different one day and you get up feeling the fight again.

I hope this helps or at least distracts you. Talk here, talk a lot. I've been around for some time and I am (still) amazed by the wisdom and generosity of the people here.

Whirlwind

 

[joeylittle]

@AJ45 - I'm sorry that we had to take down a post you made for active suicidality.

I wish I could convey just how much so many of us understand what you're struggling with right now. People with PTSD are at high risk for suicide - especially when they find themselves feeling isolated and trapped, as it sounds like you are right now.

only thing left is to to be done and that its okay to be done

No, it's not. I'm just going to say it. It's flat-out not OK to be done, and I'm certain there are things you haven't yet tried. How can I know that? Because we all have them. There are things that feel so frightening to us, or so impossible or inconceivable, that we can end up thinking death is better than - fill in the blank - death can seem better than going into an extended inpatient stay, seriously upping the medication, examining more aggressive treatment options....even just going to one person, one real life person, and saying "I can't do this anymore, I'm a danger to myself, am not thinking clearly, and need help getting medical care".

I'm especially terrified of all of those things. So terrified of them that death can actually seem easier. Better.

There is nothing easy about death, nothing 'better' about death - after death happens, you don't get any relief. You just stop. You don't even perceive the stop, because you're dead. You only increase your suffering. And things like setting a date and determining means - these don't alleviate your suffering, either. In the moment, it can seem that way, but you'll notice - it's all you can think about. You can't see anything else in front of you, just the time and place of where you're going to give up.

There's something in you that keeps pulling you back here, and I know you're just like so many of us - you don't actually want to give up, you just don't see any other choice.

You have choices.

I think there's a lot more you could get out of this site, and it might help you see those choices. I just encourage you to read around, and keep reaching out. This site is here for many reasons - but a huge one is, peer support is shown to increase the likelihood that someone with PTSD will stay alive. I know it's so, so, so hard. Beyond hard. The hardest thing. But when you stay alive, you give yourself the time you need to keep getting better. I know you think that's never going to happen. But it will. It can.

Keep reaching out.

 

[AJ45]

I know the feeling. I marvel at times at my unfortunate experiences and yet somehow I am here.

But you are still here. That is tremendous in of itself.

I came here in a funk yesterday and here I am what...24 hours later? These sweet people said just the right things and I feel a whole heck of a lot better.

3 yrs ago I resigned myself to my situation (abuser) ending me. I decided it didn't matter anymore, he could just do it, my life was garbage with him anyway. My future terrifying.

The crazy thing is "giving up" gave me strength. I don't know your situation but sometimes the strangest things turn out to be the keys to the lock. My "giving up" got me to stand up and walk away despite all of the hurdles ahead.

And things can change fast. In an amazing way.

I honestly can't believe I am here today and many things are wonderful. It is so so much better and that was after a brutal long horrible unkind unfair.....etc etc.

Its ok to take a break sometimes and rest. The energy rebuilds and the sky is different one day and you get up feeling the fight again.

I hope this helps or at least distracts you. Talk here, talk a lot. I've been around for some time and I am (still) amazed by the wisdom and generosity of the people here.

Whirlwind

i appreciate your words and what you shared

 

[AJ45]

@AJ45 - I'm sorry that we had to take down a post you made for active suicidality.

I wish I could convey just how much so many of us understand what you're struggling with right now. People with PTSD are at high risk for suicide - especially when they find themselves feeling isolated and trapped, as it sounds like you are right now.

No, it's not. I'm just going to say it. It's flat-out not OK to be done, and I'm certain there are things you haven't yet tried. How can I know that? Because we all have them. There are things that feel so frightening to us, or so impossible or inconceivable, that we can end up thinking death is better than - fill in the blank - death can seem better than going into an extended inpatient stay, seriously upping the medication, examining more aggressive treatment options....even just going to one person, one real life person, and saying "I can't do this anymore, I'm a danger to myself, am not thinking clearly, and need help getting medical care".

I'm especially terrified of all of those things. So terrified of them that death can actually seem easier. Better.

There is nothing easy about death, nothing 'better' about death - after death happens, you don't get any relief. You just stop. You don't even perceive the stop, because you're dead. You only increase your suffering. And things like setting a date and determining means - these don't alleviate your suffering, either. In the moment, it can seem that way, but you'll notice - it's all you can think about. You can't see anything else in front of you, just the time and place of where you're going to give up.

There's something in you that keeps pulling you back here, and I know you're just like so many of us - you don't actually want to give up, you just don't see any other choice.

You have choices.

I think there's a lot more you could get out of this site, and it might help you see those choices. I just encourage you to read around, and keep reaching out. This site is here for many reasons - but a huge one is, peer support is shown to increase the likelihood that someone with PTSD will stay alive. I know it's so, so, so hard. Beyond hard. The hardest thing. But when you stay alive, you give yourself the time you need to keep getting better. I know you think that's never going to happen. But it will. It can.

Keep reaching out.

stopping sounds nice. But i understand what your saying your right i fear constant fight/let down than dying

 

[Whirlwind]

your right i fear constant fight/let down than dying

All I can say is I have totally been in a place where "giving up" felt....reassuring. My start in life was brutal and it seems like the longest journey to reach to adulthood and escape.

But I did and the time that came after was wonderful but I lost it again. Sometimes this pain sparks movement, it did for me. And here I am out of the fog again and I am so so grateful I just hung on.

When "in it" I remind myself that things seem really unbearable and everything insurmountable. It's false. That is the PTSD suffocating our vision.

Reaching out here was a great thing that you did, I get things are still sh*t but use the knowledge and camaraderie here.

Tiny steps do add up, responding to us is one of those steps. Take another when you are ready.

I hope to hear more from you,

Whirlwind

 

[joeylittle]

How are you doing, @AJ45? Check in, if you can.

 

[AJ45]

All I can say is I have totally been in a place where "giving up" felt....reassuring. My start in life was brutal and it seems like the longest journey to reach to adulthood and escape.

But I did and the time that came after was wonderful but I lost it again. Sometimes this pain sparks movement, it did for me. And here I am out of the fog again and I am so so grateful I just hung on.

When "in it" I remind myself that things seem really unbearable and everything insurmountable. It's false. That is the PTSD suffocating our vision.

Reaching out here was a great thing that you did, I get things are still sh*t but use the knowledge and camaraderie here.

Tiny steps do add up, responding to us is one of those steps. Take another when you are ready.

I hope to hear more from you,

Whirlwind

im grateful to hang on and to have had the ability to fight. but im just so exhausted most of the time im not even really here. im ready to stop fighting, and its beyond hard to not. its like automatic at this point im giving out.

thank you for your response WW <3

How are you doing, @AJ45? Check in, if you can.

HI JL,

im beyond everything. im not a person anymore, soul doesnt exist hast for awhile, shell of a person, that needs things to stop. im desperate for them to. i appreciate all the words people of said on here.

 

[Rani G2]

im beyond everything. im not a person anymore, soul doesnt exist hast for awhile, shell of a person, that needs things to stop. im desperate for them to. i appreciate all the words people of said on here.

@AJ45

reading you and your words resonate with me. Just like others who have written here, there is a „been-there-done-that-gone-through biography.
Months, years and then baaaaaaam something happens. No I think I didn’t wait for fairies, or magic (Maybe I did... I can’t remember, went to psychiatrics, checked in and out of asylums ect). I never ever ever realized then, that a situation>meeting a person/people>getting the right words>doing one right thing or many right things creates a loophole and there it goes, reality shows its true colors, different nuances. The impermanence is real someone said, and it’s true!!!

 

[joeylittle]

im not a person anymore, soul doesnt exist hast for awhile, shell of a person, that needs things to stop

Hearing you. Sending you support.

 

[shatter eyes]

I understand. I do.

My tired mind.
Pained body.
Broken spirit.
Hang on minute to hours to days.
For me this forum has people i look forward to. It has been a safe haven for me and i thank you for sharing you vulnerabilities and struggle.

I am glad JoeyLittle checked in on you too.

Tonight before i came here i had wrote an email which i later deleted instead of sending to psych. I wrote some sentences that could have got police with psych nurse knocking again so i deleted it. Psych says sometimes they have to report. Your post is like what i wrote so i understand. Many of us here can relate to the "fight" day to day and yes we have a choice that we choose so naturally it feels like no choice but to fight on.

Soldier of soul you are.
As long as we breathe we have a chance for better days. I hope you are feeling better today.