Poll Your Children And Your Abuser

[Angelwings]

I'm just wondering if anyone allows their children to be around their abuser, and if so, how much and why?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Anyone who answers "yes" to this question doesn't deserve to have kids.

 

[Hashi]

I've got to say I'm struggling with the question.

By "allow", I'm taking it that you mean choice? It's not a court order that they have visitation time or something like that?

I can't really imagine a scenario for allowing this that doesn't involve denial, minimisation or distorted thinking. Maybe that's because I don't have the whole picture. I don't know if you'd like to say more about the context. Without that, simply looking at "allows their children to be around their abuser"... many alarm bells.

 

[catjudo]

At least Hashi seems to be reserving judgement somewhat realizing that perhaps there could be other factors involved that they are unaware of. Some other people could stand to err on that side of caution before casting stones.

My father was my abuser. I still have a relationship with my parents. Therefore my daughter is "around" my father/abuser. That being said, she is not allowed to be around him unsupervised. She does not even spend time with either of my parents unless I am there also. I have enough conflicted feelings, doubt myself and beat up on myself about the parenting choices I make. I don't need someone who has no idea of our specific circumstances casting judgement and throwing out a blanket statement like anyone who allows their child to be around their abuser doesn't deserve to have kids.

 

[Angelwings]

@catjudo I agree with you. In family situations the children should always be under close supervision while around abusers and never left alone with them. Sometimes it seems impossible to keep your child away from family.

 

[ebci1]

I have to say I did think about it a while back, even made plans for a visit but it never did happen and im glad for it.:laugh: I have so little contact with my (abusive) family for over 10years now so no need to potentially even under supervision expose my child to them. Not worth the risk in my case and they showed little interest anyway:banghead:

 

[nursenurse]

I don't get it. I have been turning this over in my head to try and justify exposing your child to your abuser, I am assuming it is sexual abuse, and I cannot for the life of me think of one good reason why. Even with supervision. Unless the court said so. And even then, I would be fighting that tooth and nail. You can't tell me that you are exposing her for her benefit, and that is really the issue. Why?

 

[anthony]

Anyone who answers "yes" to this question doesn't deserve to have kids.

It's never that easy... and each application must be assessed on specific situational aspects.

 

[Abstract]

What happens if the abuser finds an opportunity to meet the child when one isn't expecting it? They have a relationship with the child and it therefore means they have more opportunity for access down the line at some time.

What would the benefit be to the child or to you to have access? Is this a case of where you haven't been able to find a way of distancing them for yourself and this is just a run on from that? Just some thoughts....

 

[catjudo]

What happens if the abuser finds an opportunity to meet the child when one isn't expecting it? They have a relationship with the child and it therefore means they have more opportunity for access down the line at some time.

The only time my child is somewhere without either me or a close, trusted friend is when she is at school. My father certainly isn't on the list of approved people to pick her up, so her school would never hand her over to him. Not to mention anyone wanting to enter my daughter's school has to be able to get through their biometric fingerprint lock...my father would never be able to gain access to her school if he wanted to. Anyplace else she goes (extracurricular activities) I'm the one taking her there...my father wouldn't have access without me knowing because I'm there watching her practice or play. She has the occasional play date or outing with a friend but if I'm not there then another parent who is a close, personal, trusted friend is there. There is also the fact that my parents live over two hours from where we live...it's not like they're going to just accidentally bump into my daughter while we're out shopping or something.

Things are not always so cut and dry or black and white. There are far too many details, issues and nuances involved to make a person understand why our circumstances are what they are and why what we are doing is okay. People should probably just refrain from being so judgmental. Believe me, my daughter's safety is my number one priority. I don't need people trying to make me feel like an inferior parent. My psychiatrist and my psychologist are both 100% aware of our circumstances (actually know the details, not just making generalizations or assumptions) and neither think that what I am doing or how we choose to have a relationship with my parents is putting my daughter in any danger.

 

[Abstract]

refrain from being so judgmental.

Actually, my questions were genuine and I was not being judgemental. Looking at the context and detail is something that I always believe in in all issues. I was and am trying to understand. I am trying to understand what the need is to do it. What the benefit is. How the benefits outweigh the risks. I am struggling with it. I am also wondering if it is not terribly triggering for you personally to still be in touch.

 

[catjudo]

I am trying to understand what the need is to do it. What the benefit is. How the benefits outweigh the risks. I am struggling with it. I am also wondering if it is not terribly triggering for you personally to still be in touch.

I removed my parents from my life at one point long ago. Because of the relationships in my extended family, I found it virtually impossible to maintain relationships with other members of my family and still be able to create enough distance that my parents couldn't contact me. It was not because my other family members did not respect my wishes, it just was very complicated and I really ended up missing out on all of those relationships by trying to keep my parents out of my life. I was very alone and didn't want to live the rest of my life without any family. So I allowed my parents back in my life but I keep careful boundaries. It's never particularly easy and some times are more difficult than others. But it is a choice that I have made for now. I don't expect everyone to understand it. I know it sounds crazy. But it is the right choice for me right now in my life.

Because I maintain a relationship with my parents, my daughter has a relationship with them. There is no risk for her...he DOES NOT have any opportunity for unsupervised access to her.