Poll Your Children And Your Abuser

[BloomInWinter]

In Illinois, until January 1st, 2014, all rapists had parental rights. It's taken years but we finally got parental rights taken away. In many states it is still the law of the land. It also is the law that domestic abuse of the Mother does not necessarily negate the parental rights of the father until he does something to the child.

 

[Abstract]

maintain relationships with other members of my family

Thank you for explaining the motivation behind your decision.

 

[ms spock]

I It many states it is still the law of the land. It also is the law that domestic abuse of the Mother does not necessarily negate the parental rights of the father until he does something to the child.

I read once that 70% of fathers that beat their wives also sexually abuse their children. I have to find that study.

 

[ms spock]

I have had an issue with a woman that let her son have unsupervised access with her own sexually abusing father. I said my piece and didn't find out until a year later that she had taken that on board and no longer lets her son be with her father unsupervised.

 

[ms spock]

I think the main problem is when people haven't dealt with their own sexual abuse and so therefore don't protect their children from their own sexual predator or other sexual predator.

To make sure the sexual predator never has unsupervised access with any small child seems like a positive step forward to me.

These people are in our families and in our lives whether we want to acknowledge it or not. When we demonise them it allows us to have denial surrounding the sexual abuser and it actually seems to increase their access to children.

If we are realistic and we know that someone is a sexual abuser and we take steps to protect the children then that is a great outcome in my mind. Because there is no denial about what is going on.

When there is denial about what is going on it allows both male and female sexual predators more access - they exploit that denial to their own advantage.

If we could get treatment to sexual predators at an earlier age we could stop the intergenerational transmission of abuse and sexual abuse.

Physical violence is something to be wary of as is emotionally abusive behaviour.

If we see sexual predators as people who have behaviours that we don't condon or allow then people like me, who disclose at 15 and try to warn all the extended families in order to protect small children won't lose their whole family because a sexual predator is such a bad person so we can't possibly be related to them.

If we are really get on top of this stuff we/I have to change our knee jerk reactions. But that is a topic for another thread.

Kudos to Solara for saying that people like shouldn't have children - I read that as people who aren't dealing with their own abuse who hand over to their own or other sexual abusers and leave their children unsupervised. They sacrifice the next generation. It happened to me. My mother said I was the sacrifice that she had to make.

Kudos to catjudo for the magnificent job of protecting her daughter. I wish I had a mother who was 10% the woman that you are, if I had a half decent parent I wouldn't be in the position I am today - and by modelling those behaviours you are teaching other people how to protect their children from your father (and quite possibly their own fathers.) That is social change in action as far as I am concerned. Social change intergenerationally is important. So you are doing really important work in looking after and protecting your daughter and demonstrating real, life, live protection strategies. I cannot commend you enough. Each step in this direction will make future generations safer.

 

[ms spock]

Because I maintain a relationship with my parents, my daughter has a relationship with them. There is no risk for her...he DOES NOT have any opportunity for unsupervised access to her.

If this could become the social norm it would stop a hell of a lot of pain and suffering.

 

[ms spock]

@catjudo I agree with you. In family situations the children should always be under close supervision while around abusers and never left alone with them.

By doing this catjudo is helping other people learn how to protect their children against their abusers. It is so important!

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I don't have kids but if I do the answer would be no. In fact one fear preventing me from having kids now or in the future, is the legal rights my father and his mother would have to see it as I have not pursued criminal charges with him. I understand the is differences in abuses but in my case I would never, ever, ever, ever.

 

[Aubrey]

I'm brand new here. I voted yes. But here is a valid reason. My abuser was my ex. He is the father of my children. Because of the "wonderful" court system... They dismissed aka didn't care that I was abused and suffered from PTSD caused by my ex. So I am forced to share custody. Oh nobody believed me that I was abused because I didn't have any police records. Love how the system has failed yet another mother.

 

[Aubrey]

Anyone who answers "yes" to this question doesn't deserve to have kids.

Maybe you should see why I voted yes and rethink your post. Some people do not have a choice especially if they share children with the abuser. I'm sure you have figured out that police and other authorities pretty much don't do squat unless their is hard evidence and in a lot of cases of abuse like domestic abuse the victim hides the abuse out of fear. My ex always told me that if I went for help nobody would believe me and that he would run away with my kids.

 

[Abstract]

@Aubrey, I read it as when someone chooses to do so rather than when the choice is made for them. Really sorry that you were badly let down by the courts. And awful for your children.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I read it as when someone chooses to do so rather than when the choice is made for them.

I too read it as that and in those circumstances I agree with @Solara. For instance my half-sisters grand-father lives now halfway around the world, he nearly killed his ex-wife through extreme violence and alcoholic rages, and repeatedly beat his son (my sisters father). He now wants to see his grand-child, which would mean him taking my 4 year old sister and leaving her with him while he sees sights, and other strangers while he sorts out "personal matters" with him in a country to which she can't speak their language, despite him still being alcohol dependant. The offer was made under repeated blackmail and manipulation and even bribery, plus the man refuses to admit any wrong doing at any stage including the acknowledged near murder. Luckily no one allowed this to happen much to my sister's fathers confusion (though how there could be any confusion over the matter I don't know), I cannot begin to imagine the short-sightedness he would have let happen if not stopped by so many others.

But where forced obviously you have to do, what you have to do. For myself, I have already changed my name once and will likely do it again when I move further away up the country and/or to another country entirely. I am unlikely to have children while my father is alive, unless I move to another country first and can be certain I cannot be traced. Even though the likelihood of him trying is unlikely. I would rather be better safe than sorry. For my own sake as well as for that of any potential offspring.