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A little background: I was molested by a neighbor for a year when I was a child.
I never knew that when I was a child that my therapist brushing away and snorting at my fear of, as I said quietly and scared to her, "becoming a monster like him" would pop up as an adult and haunt me. My anxiety is either trying to convince me that one day I'll wake up or that I am a pedophile. I'm not; 6 different professionals have all said "not even close". But because I was laughed at for having this fear as a child by my therapist and then never talking about it until I was triggered 5 years ago by a number of traumatic incidents, my mind is in a panic about it (I think; that's all I can come up with because that was a fear I had as a child but it was laughed off and never resolved and I recall a few times saying I'll never have kids because I didn't want to be a monster as a child).
The issue connected that makes it the worst is that with ANY trigger (a wide range of things) My body tenses and I feel like my gentials (including breasts) are being poked and prodded. This makes my anxiety and OCD say "oh look, there's your proof' when I am triggered whenever there's a kid around. I am triggered with anything that can be turned into or deemed sexual as well, or something violent, but that doesn't bother me as much. I can go into a full panic for days when I have a trigger and it says "there's your proof; you are one. You're shameful and disgusting; admit it at least because you're worthless and dumb" and the insults and BS keep going!
For YEARS professionals have said I am not, could never be, and there is nothing in my history that says otherwise. But it's the most stressful and upsetting thing I've ever gone through, and I don't fully understand WHY the obsession of being scared I am or going to wake up one day and become a pedophile is constantly around. I tense up just at the possibility of a trigger happening or my anxiety saying "you're totally one" even if there's no triggers around.
The feelings in my body are body memories, the anxiety is reacting to those body memories and my feelings of deep anxiety and shame, and then my anxiety and OCD use the body memories against me... I get that. I guess I want to have others explain it to me better than I can tell myself?
I never knew that when I was a child that my therapist brushing away and snorting at my fear of, as I said quietly and scared to her, "becoming a monster like him" would pop up as an adult and haunt me. My anxiety is either trying to convince me that one day I'll wake up or that I am a pedophile. I'm not; 6 different professionals have all said "not even close". But because I was laughed at for having this fear as a child by my therapist and then never talking about it until I was triggered 5 years ago by a number of traumatic incidents, my mind is in a panic about it (I think; that's all I can come up with because that was a fear I had as a child but it was laughed off and never resolved and I recall a few times saying I'll never have kids because I didn't want to be a monster as a child).
The issue connected that makes it the worst is that with ANY trigger (a wide range of things) My body tenses and I feel like my gentials (including breasts) are being poked and prodded. This makes my anxiety and OCD say "oh look, there's your proof' when I am triggered whenever there's a kid around. I am triggered with anything that can be turned into or deemed sexual as well, or something violent, but that doesn't bother me as much. I can go into a full panic for days when I have a trigger and it says "there's your proof; you are one. You're shameful and disgusting; admit it at least because you're worthless and dumb" and the insults and BS keep going!
For YEARS professionals have said I am not, could never be, and there is nothing in my history that says otherwise. But it's the most stressful and upsetting thing I've ever gone through, and I don't fully understand WHY the obsession of being scared I am or going to wake up one day and become a pedophile is constantly around. I tense up just at the possibility of a trigger happening or my anxiety saying "you're totally one" even if there's no triggers around.
The feelings in my body are body memories, the anxiety is reacting to those body memories and my feelings of deep anxiety and shame, and then my anxiety and OCD use the body memories against me... I get that. I guess I want to have others explain it to me better than I can tell myself?
