It's Basically Over...

[Bolt_On]

I've been with my girlfriend for a year now and have been living with her for a total of 6 months. Last night she wouldn't say a word to me, but eventually sat me down and said she isn't happy anymore because I don't want to have sex. I can tell she wants to break up, but she won't do it out of guilt. She knows I'm uncomfortable with sex due to being raped twice and having my boundaries violated multiple times by various partners. I'm not ready to break up, but I feel I'm going to have to be the one to say it's over, otherwise we are going to end up resenting each other and living together in silence. I hate that I have to be the one to do it.

It feels kind of unexpected and this had to happen at such a terrible time in my life. Not only will this breakup hurt immensely, but I don't really have anywhere else to live, no insurance, no car, behind on bills, I'd have to keep paying rent here while paying rent at a new place and my new job is a terrible fit with low pay/non-guaranteed hours, that would make it VERY difficult to live on my own.

My chest has felt tight since yesterday, like a constant panic attack or something and my stomach even more sour than usual. I don't know what to do or where I'm going to go because staying here would be miserable as hell. It's so much stress to deal with all at once and it's unbearable. I'm angry, extremely depressed and scared of what the future holds.

 

[Friday]

The only piece that doesn't make sense to me is why you would have to keep paying rent at your old place while paying rent at your new place? If it's only this month... At a bare minimum, since you guys aren't fighting / it's not a question of abuse, just dissolving based on having different needs... staying out the month here as housemates sounds reasonable. Or so does her paying you back your half of the rent for this month if you leave now.

my new job is a terrible fit with low pay/non-guaranteed hours, that would make it VERY difficult to live on my own

Knowing this in advance, is super useful! While a new job can take quite awhile to arrange, renting a room in a house / apartment and having housemates/flat-mates sounds like the avenue to pursue, first. Rent a room near public transportation, continue on at your old job, while you look for something that's better suited for living on your own, later. There are a whole lot of other options as well, but renting a room would be the most straightforward.

ETA... I forget people have family/friends to fall back on & stay with during transitions. Clearly, if that's a more preferable option than renting a room, that's another option.

 

[Changing4Best]

First of all, I just want to say I am so sorry for all the pain you are suffering right now, both physical and mental. That being said, is there some way for you to get therapy so you can work through your feelings about past relationships and be able to experience a relationship in the present in a new way and in health and well being?

There are places where one can get therapy for free. Mental Health Centers that are given grant money by our government. Can you locate such a place in your area? Call your Dr.'s office and ask to be referred.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

I know none of this stuff is easy!

 

[Bolt_On]

I'd have to keep paying rent because of the lease I signed. Tenants have to continually pay until the lease is up or someone else takes the apartment. It's a 13 month lease too, so I'd be shelling out dough for another 7 months unless she moved out and found people to take our place.

As for the second bit, that'd be ideal but I don't have anyone I can live with right now or ask to be roommate because all my friends having housing arrangements already. Living with strangers would make my PTSD much worse, as it has before.

 

[ladee]

Since you are not fussing with each other, hopefully you can stay there until you can find reasonable housing. I know it will be difficult and stressful, but so is being homeless.. maybe she can get busy and get a roommate so you don't have to pay rent there... I am so sorry this is happening to you. And life tends to hand us stuff in piles... Happy you posted and please keep us updated on how you are doing. sending gentle hugs.

 

[Friday]

I'd have to keep paying rent because of the lease I signed. Tenants have to continually pay until the lease is up or someone else takes the apartment. It's a 13 month lease too, so I'd be shelling out dough for another 7 months unless she moved out and found people to take our place.

If you break up with someone & move out? You take your name off the lease. It's a fairly simple/straightforward process. :) People break up or change living situations (new roommates, etc.) all the time. It's the person who stays, & still has their name on the lease who is responsible for it. Not the people who move out & take their names off it.

 

[Bolt_On]

First of all, I just want to say I am so sorry for all the pain you are suffering right now, both p...

Yeah, I've been in therapy for about 5 months. I don't see my therapist for another two weeks though.

@FridayJones : I could crash at a friend's place for a week or so, but that's about it. I don't really have a family I can turn to. Edit: I'm serious, this lease is f*cky. I can't get out of it unless someone else takes my spot.

 

[Riot]

Edit: I'm serious, this lease is f*cky. I can't get out of it unless someone else takes my spot.

I understand that. Where I live it's the same sort of thing. Removing one person can be a serious pain the the ass. :(

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like a standard type of lease IMHO. If someone could just take their name off a lease easy peasy and leave the other person stuck with it, you'd have tons of people who got into tiffs and said "screw you" to the other leaseholder. Nah-----you signed a contract so you're bound to it unless ----all----- parties agree to release you.

 

[Changing4Best]

My niece had that problem and it happened only a month after she signed the stupid lease. She had to stick it out for 2 years. Somehow she survived. She now lives with a roommate that is hardly ever home, so it is like living alone almost. I think she has a wonderful deal now. Things can get better with time.

 

[Friday]

@EveHarrington I've taken my name off leases in CA, OR, WA, IL, MA, NY, VA, NC, SC, FL, & LA stateside. Most of those states my name has been on -and removed from- several leases. There are always local quirks, but they've all been the pretty standard lease nationwide, and they've all allowed for change of occupancy. So at least in those states it's a pretty straightforward process. You & your roommate each sign the change of tenant or change of occupancy form, & voila! One of you no longer as a legal right to (nor obligation to pay for) the apartment/house/condo/etc..

It does happen all the time that people just screw the person staying over (especially if the office doesn't require witnessing both signatures, but you just drop off a forged one in the box). But it's far more common, even (maybe especially) in acrimonious splits, that the person staying wants to be able to call the cops on the person going if they come back (at worst), so they gladly sign to remove their former roommate or bf/gf off the lease. Because as long as their ex is on the lease? They can come and go as they please, legally, and if you try to bar them entrance to their own legal residence it's seriously bad juju / they can call the cops on you. But i good natured splits? There's no reason to f*ck over your ex by making them pay your rent. That's just as f*cked up -more, really- as forging their name on the change of occupancy form and splitting, leaving them stuck with paying your share of the rent. More, because at least they still get to live there & can get a new roommate if you bail. It's seriously f*cked to refuse to sign and force them to pay rent somewhere they don't live and have no chance of recouping their losses.