I Don't Trust My T Anymore. Is All Lost?

[Dana1010]

I haven't been in to see my therapist for several weeks. I just made excuses about being busy with work, etc. It's a long story, but I don't trust her anymore. She's been unprofessional, petty, and judgmental about certain things, and has made some subtle aggressions towards me (threw shade at me, maybe?).

It's like how am I going to open up and be vulnerable with someone who's obviously not my ally? I feel like if you've lost trust, you've lost everything. Has anyone dealt with loss of trust/good will with a therapist before? How did you deal with it?

 

[EveHarrington]

I think that there's losing trust and there's also moving to a more adversarial position. I guess a lot of times those two overlap but what I'm trying to say is that for me it wouldn't necessarily be the trust part that was worrisome so much as the therapist becoming an adversary. I don't need my therapist to be against me and for that reason id personally move on.

 

[Casey_03]

I think the major red flag here is her being judgmental -- that's a huge no no. I mean, therapy can't really be effective if she has put herself in a position to judge rather than listen and offer you a professional, unbiased perspective. I would find someone else. I went through dozens of therapists who I either felt were not listening to me or did not respect me, and I always had the same problem with each and every one of them -- I simply couldn't open up to them or speak openly at all. In the end, it was a huge waste of my time and money to even bother putting up with them. At the end of the day, it's your healing process, your well-being and your time/money that goes into this, so you should find someone who is on the same level as you. It might be hard and take a while, but it can and should be done.

 

[Friday]

It's like how am I going to open up and be vulnerable with someone who's obviously not my ally?

I can't imagine why anyone would anyone want to. Sounds like an exceptionally bad idea.

(threw shade at me, maybe?).

What does this mean?

Is all lost?

Nope. :)

Even if you kick this therapist to the curb, the only thing you'd be losing is either a bad therapist or a bad fit. Not the end of the world :) There are both other therapists out there and while therapy is absolutely an easier/faster way towards learning to manage your PTSD. Also not the only way.

If your therapist is actually a great therapist, and the loss of trust is just you being symptomatic? Might well not even lose the therapist.

***

I think the major red flag here is her being judgmental -- that's a huge no no.

This is actually a super huge YES, for me. I need to be able to trust their judgement, which means they need to both exercise it & let me in on it. When I'm doing something right? Them telling me so is important. When I'm doing something wrong? Equally, if not more important. And when they see me in a grey area? ((If, in their judgement, they see something is somewhere in between right/neutral/wrong, or layered both right and wrong, or neither right nor wrong nor neutral nor anything in between but something else altogether (dangerous, hilarious, something to be wary of, etc.)?))... Knowing that, and the pieces that go into it, are freaking invaluable. Useful on so many different levels.

Trusting their judgment doesn't mean that I'm always going to agree with their estimation of things, nor that they'll always be right. Every good therapist I've ever had I've both argued with, (and sometimes I'm right / they're wrong, or we agree to disagree) and have had different opinions than they do (no one is right or wrong).

I've run into a few truly "no judgment" people, and they are beyond useless. Abuse isn't wrong, victories aren't celebrated, good habits aren't encouraged, bad habits aren't drilled down on... They're like bowls of oatmeal. As in I'd get just as much help talking to a bowl of oatmeal as I do talking to them. :banghead: The only thing worse than talking with a "I don't judge" therapist... ((Please. Dear. God. Use your judgement. If I'm doing something right? Tell me. If I'm doing something f*cked up? Call me on my bullshit!!!)) ...is talking to a "Yes Man" who will cheer me on as I nuke my life with just the same excitement & vigor as when I'm actually doing something good in my life. :wtf:

I either felt were not listening to me or did not respect me

Very much agreed. These are huge with me, too. The not listening thing is both impossible and a waste of time, the not respecting / disrespecting me dovetails very neatly into the judgement piece; I need to be able to trust their judgment... And their judgment clearly sucks and is not to be relied upon! The listening piece just always blows my mind, though. Talk about not making good life choices if your job requires listening to people, and a brick wall has better comprehension :facepalm:

At the end of the day, it's your healing process, your well-being and your time/money that goes into this, so you should find someone who is on the same level as you. It might be hard and take a while, but it can and should be done.

Agree completely.

 

[Casey_03]

@FridayJones is absolutely right, and provided more nuanced feedback about the judgmental thing. I 100% agree that you do want someone who will be judgmental, but I think they have to be judgmental in a strictly professional way. You want someone who will judge whether or not your decisions are healthy and breaking with bad habits and unhealthy patterns of behavior -- absolutely. Someone who can pinpoint where there are flaws in your cognition, and tell you when you are not being completely rational. But not someone who is going to be judgmental on a personal level, which is what I think I meant (I was thinking of another poster on here who had recently started a thread about her therapist telling her she didn't approve of her lifestyle as a lesbian -- that is exactly the kind of judgmental that I don't think has any place in the profession). I guess I assumed from what you wrote that your therapist was being judgmental in the latter, unprofessional way .... What sort of statements has she made and how has she thrown shade? And more importantly, perhaps, how long have you been seeing her?

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Dealt with trust gone by never going back. That was last year though. Now if it were to happen I'd go to the next session and tell T how I felt then depending on how T reacts I'd either try to work through it or find a new T.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@Dana1010

How do I deal with it? I just say NEXT!

Too much investing into people who were not right for me to have in my life on all levels has made this, not easy but doable.

 

[Dana1010]

But not someone who is going to be judgmental on a personal level, which is what I think I meant (I was thinking of another poster on here who had recently started a thread about her therapist telling her she didn't approve of her lifestyle as a lesbian -- that is exactly the kind of judgmental that I don't think has any place in the profession).

Exactly this. I think @FridayJones latched onto the positive connotation of "judgment" but the way I used "judgmental" was in the sense of personal, gratuitous, often prejudiced and petty, and ultimately not helpful. I might also add that the things she's judgmental about are from years ago, so there's really no point.

BTW, @FridayJones, to "throw shade" is to micro-aggress against someone in a way where you know they're doing it, but you couldn't prove to a third party that they're doing it. It's like if you screw up your face at someone's dress, because you think it's ugly, but you don't actually say that it's ugly, that's throwing shade. That's how I understand the term, anyway, it's sort of nuanced and open to interpretation. It originated in drag queen communities. Ok, semantics lesson over.

What sort of statements has she made and how has she thrown shade? And more importantly, perhaps, how long have you been seeing her?

It's not so much statements (see above). As a female, I think you just know when another female is being bitchy to you, she doesn't have to say anything. She is also apparently triggered by some major issues I need to talk about and always finds a way to get out of talking about them (I made a post about this).

I've been seeing her for a few months. I'd gladly next her, but my insurance offers really limited mental health coverage right now. So I just don't know. I just don't think I can trust her anymore.

 

[Friday]

I just don't think I can trust her anymore

Enemies can still be learned from/ pumped for useful information :D

If she starts to get under your skin, however, my firm belief is 'no therapy is infinitely better than bad therapy'.

 

[Recovery4Me]

When my therapy sessions go south (or to a odd place) I do not throw out the baby with the bath water to use a tired arsh saying.;) I decide to practice on resolution using the T. :laugh: I write down major points I wish to express, warned the T up front that this session is conflict resolution time concerning their feedback and my comfortably. That they are now assisting me with how normal people do it.:rolleyes:*Can you feel the guilt trip ...*coughs* I mean love. Shame on them anyhow.:hilarious:

If at the end of the session I do not feel comfortable with their response...then I put closure on the team. You can not harness a lame horse and expect the poor dear to produce. Put the T to pasture if there is not a lightbulb moment until the T heals for journey.:tup: Sometimes... we need to help our beast of burden. I see myself as a heavy load (of what unknown...lol) and need a solid work professional. There was once a movie called They shoot horses don't they? Not a good flick...but remembered the title and meaning.

 

[scout86]

She's been unprofessional, petty, and judgmental about certain things, and has made some subtle aggressions towards me (threw shade at me, maybe?).

All of that is subject to interpretation, isn't it?

I've had a few.... I'm not even sure what to call it...."rough patches"? with my T. For the most part, when we finally talked about it, which we did, it turned out the problem was mostly "me". And I don't mean that in a "running myself down, I'm always wrong" sense. I mean it in the sense that I'm seeing him because we agree I have a few issues and sometimes I don't see things very accurately. Not that he's perfect or always right, but if someone's in need of improving the way they look at things, it turns out it's more likely to be me than him. And, if we talk about it, things actually get better. If we don't talk about it? Not so much.

So, what's the harm in having at least one more session to thrash this out? You'll probably learn something, once way or the other. It seems like kind of a waste to fire someone without clearing the air first. (Actually, SHE might learn something too.)

 

[barefoot]

I've had a few ruptures with my therapist, which have temporarily dented the trust I felt in her/our relationship. Each time, we talked it through and that process of naming it and discussing it with her seemed to actually move the work forward and strengthened our relationship. So, I would feel inclined to go along for another session and put all this on the table and see what comes up when the two of you talk it out. Then, you can see how you feel and whether you would like to continue with her.

I should probably add that I like my therapist a lot and that I have never felt that she is judgemental or critical of me. If I didn't feel that we had a good connection in general and if, week after week, I sat there feeling very judged by her, that would raise huge red flags for me.

Ruptures in the therapeutic alliance are pretty common, I think, and a lot of positive stuff can come out of you both having an open, honest discussion about what's going on. But you need to have had trust and connection in place beforehand in order to mend a rupture, I think. Do you feel that you had those things with her before you lost trust and stopped going to sessions? If yes, I think there is hope that you can both work to fix this blip and get back to where you were before (or maybe an even better place than you were before).