What Do I Deserve?

[Suzetig]

This question has been around for me for a week or so now, so I thought I'd put it out there and see what folks thoughts/feelings are.

It's worth saying at the outset that I can logically, cognitively think about what I do and don't deserve, I think in thread I'm hoping to try and get under that congnitive process to something more instinctive or feelings based.

I have a real difficulty in getting to grips with what it means to be "deserving", or indeed "undeserving". It's come up in my therapy where we've discussed me not hoping for good things because I don't feel I deserve them - things like a clean, comfortable home, people who love and care for me, a satisfying career etc. I can logically argue that everyone deserves these things, and I'm part of everybody but I still feel somewhere in the core of my being that I don't deserve the things that other people take for granted.

It means that I don't stand up for myself or expect people to want to meet my needs, heck I struggle even to think about why someone would want to be in a relationship with me because I don't deserve them. And it sparks a lot of fear in me because I feel like I trick people into wanting to care for me and then worry that when they do find out that I don't deserve them, they'll feel I've taken something they wouldn't have willingly offered otherwise.

The more I sit with it the more I wonder if my struggle to understand what I do deserve is linked to my struggle to recognise what I didn't deserve, in terms of abuse and mistreatment. I started to do a list of what I do/don't deserve and it pretty much ended up back to front, so I don't deserve love and care, but do deserve to be used and abused. Cognitively, I get that this is screwed up thinking, but challenging it just feels like I'm lying to myself because every other part of me says "no, you did deserve to be beaten, you still do"... I think one of the difficulties for me in therapy is that I feel like I'm trying to get something or somewhere that I don't deserve, which feels shameful, and shame can literally stop me in my tracks.

Anyway, not terribly coherent for a Monday morning but I'm interested to hear from others.

 

[Weemie]

In my experience, dealing with the universe in absolutes of deserve/undeserve only serves to send you into a tailspin. It isn't a logical measuring stick. What people deserve is highly subjective--different people can presume you deserve different things at different times. In the end, people don't get what they deserve. They just get what they get. Better to take positive in and put positive out. Disregard all that Deserve Stuff. Input/output.

 

[ghotiff]

Maybe try thinking about what you want. You stated you want a clean comfortable home. Assuming you don't mean an unattainable waterfront mansion what would the home you want look like. Then ask why you want that vision, write it down, then ask why you want that first "why" and repeat 4 times.

Then look at what you have written and ask if it's a reasonable want. Not necessarily do you "deserve" but is it reasonable to want that. Does it hurt anybody else if you have that. Is there something you can do right now to move yourself to achieving what you want, if not what's blocking you.

I found this type of approach informative. Maybe it works for you too. It's far less nebulous than trying to understand "deserving".

 

[Nevermore]

@Suzetig I think I get where you're coming from. I got terribly confused when I first went to therapy and was informed about boundaries and what I should or should not be accepting, what was it was not abusive.
It was very different ideas to how is lived my whole life!
I agree with @lightraze - it's not really s question of deserving or undeserving, for me it's a question of what will I accept, what won't I accept, and what will or won't I give!
Boundaries ended up being useful when I figured out what that actually meant - but I use that in my own way and try not to be too rigid.
I don't accept being disrespected of invisible any more. I try always to speak up for myself. And I'm honest and open with others.
That's what I decided for myself that I deserve, and what I think everyone deserves!
I'd never really taken the steering wheel of my own life before - it's a learning process... But so worth it. Very liberating!

 

[Sideways]

I use the annoying child "But why?" approach with this stuff.

You have your list of what everybody deserves. Except you.
But why?

Your answer could be anything, and possibly just restating the belief in different words, like "Because I'm not worthy."

Unhelpful. So you hit it again: But why?
Hit it enough times and often the core will work its way out, sometimes through sheer frustration. But you'll know when you get there. But why?

Because that's what I was taught.
Because I'm the spawn of Satan.
Because I'm dirty and filthy.
Because I should never have been born.
Etc etc.

"But why?" Over and over.

 

[GrayOwl]

Although lightraze makes total sense, and I do agree,
then why am I constantly "feeling" undeserved as Suztig describes?
Why does my psyche "autopilot" transport me there before I even know I am processing information?
It seems instinctive in me too like steel being drawn to a magnet - I'm there before I know it has even happened,
almost as if it's a constant state. And not at all a good place - or a "deserved" place to be.
Perhaps I suffer low self esteem for some reason?
It doesn't seem to be a healthy viewpoint or way to live. I think I've been vaguely aware that I do this. I think it needs to be addressed.
I've been reading and working with various authors here in the US on bullying and mobbing and am learning that the "targets" of bullies exhibit certain characteristics that make them appealing and vulnerable to bullies - and this appears to be one of the traits that targets like myself and many others seem to have that makes us susceptible to bullying. They "sense" a tendency in us to dive into that "I deserve this treatment" gopher hole, and attack us with all the various methods that bullies use.
This is a good thread. It's something I too "feel" and am becoming aware of about myself.
Thank you Suzetig. I think I will listen and learn, perhaps gain some tools and knowledge of value.
Feelings like this can't be healthy for me or my relationships. I want better.

 

[ladee]

Thanks for your post @ghotiff, I have always despised when someone says I 'deserve' something good to happen in my life. Well, the side of that coin must be, I deserved what got me here in the first place.. But looking at it like what I 'want'.... now that is great !! That makes sense.... that is reasonable. Thanks again... love what all I am learning here !!

 

[GrayOwl]

@ghotiff
Like PMI.
Positive Mental Imaging.
Wanting good things, good places for myself.
"Deserving" has nothing to do with anything.
It takes practice to change bad habits.
Thank you.

 

[Suzetig]

I like the "but why" questioning - it's something my therapist tries every now and again and sooner or later I get to the place of "just because" and I don't know just because what..?

The deserving thing for me comes from a place of knowing what I can or can't ask for from people - and there's a very young part of me that expects people to give/get what they deserve. I really struggle to know when people are treating me badly because I assume they're responding to something in me, giving me what I deserve, rather than acting on something in them. So thinking about what I will/won't accept is difficult because I'll accept just about anything because I think I'm drawing it out of people and therefore it belongs to me, if that makes sense?

And the thought that people have just treated me badly for whatever nothing to do with me reason feels like too much for me to cope with just now.

 

[Sideways]

The idea that you copped all that shite and at the end of the day, it wasn't even about you? That's a nasty I'm trying to muscle up to.

For what it's worth, when I come up with an idea that my head responds to with "Nope, shut that down, that's too hard to cope with", usually means I'm pretty close to the crux of the issue.

 

[Suzetig]

That's exactly it - not just from one person but a whole parade of them... The way I manage the unmanageable is to take responsibility for whatever it is, so me deserving it puts the blame back on me, which is somehow easier. I know I'm skirting round something very hard here and the deserving/not deserving feels like it might be a way in.

 

[Friday]

Knee-jerk:

I deserve what I can insist upon.

If I am insisting upon it? Doesn't mean I get what I want. But it's a starting off place. It a position of strength. Here. Me. This is mine. This is what I say goes, for me. This is how I determine to be, how I operate, my own rules for myself.

Beyond that? Once other people are involved? Once luck/fate/life/et al are thrown into the mix & it's not just me determining my own life, but interacting with the world? It gets complicated. I often get better than I deserve & worse. Maintaining my own personal integrity in the face of either can be difficult.

This probably isn't the healthiest outlook on the planet, but it's where I'm at, at present.