Sufferer Hello Want To Start Opening Up

[Arieanna]

Hello, I'm new to this forum I just learned about it's existence through google to be honest. A little bit about myself I'm 35 years old and I've been a victim of abuse all of my life. In fact I don't know how life is without that abuse. Almost all my relationships with people i am the closest to have been both physically and emotionally abusive. My earliest memories of abuse stem from infancy as well. The sad part is both my parents where the abusers and eventually my siblings as well. My husband and his family became emotional abusers and became trapped in this cycle of negativity. Never able to get out, never able to be free of them to the point the abuse has become detrimental for me. I suffered two nervous break downs, to be honest for a long time I am having trouble seeing the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I've tried to take my own life now and though now i take medicine and see my therapist regularly. I can't stop this feeling because I still have not been able to escape my abusers.

I wanted to file a divorce and get away from my husband and his family. I also wanted to get away from my side of the family too. However the moment i finally had the courage to announce my divorce and stand up for my self to get away, my life began falling apart even more. To the point i've hit rock bottom and was forced to remain in my marriage for now even though i am so unhappy and still suffering the neglect and emotional negativity. Both sides of the family began to punish me severely, and the negativity piled on me even more so. Almost all my the people i thought were friends turned against me. My therapist want me to have a support group but all i could do is weep. What do i do when I have no one to support me and I have to stand on my own two feet and it's just me alone. I want to try and get out of these abusive relationships so that my therapy can really began to progress, but im so scared that I'm doing something wrong. That God won't forgive me because I had forsaken my marriage and my family.

 

[ladee]

Happy you are here. Sometimes we have to no longer forsake our self. The rest of it ceases to have much meaning if we are suffering and are dying a little each day. Hope you find caring , support and validation here. And yes, in the end, we all have only our own two feet to stand on...and to take us where we need to go.
Glad you are here.. we understand how you feel.

 

[Arieanna]

Happy you are here. Sometimes we have to no longer forsake our self. The rest of it ceases to have much m...

Thank you. I never thought of it as forsaking myself. I'm always thinking of everyone else before myself. I put everyone before me but i think it's because i've been conditioned to be that way because everyone came before me always as a child or as an adult and my needs where never heard or met. So it got to the point I never saw myself as valuable. I feel like it's time for me to put myself in first place instead of last.

 

[Tinyflame]

Welcome to you. :hug:

 

[ladee]

I like that a lot.. and yes, you have value and worth. Hopefully you will find that for yourself in your healing journey. Not an easy journey, but neither is the one you are on now. At least you will have meaning to the fact of choosing your self for a change... it's not selfish, no matter what people try to say. It is self caring. And how can we honestly give to others if we can't give to our self... I wish you lots of courage and strength on your journey. We are here for you.

 

[trying2movefwd]

I can relate, except I got out. I was in a domestic violence situation in my marriage and abused most of my childhood. I am very close to your age. The pain doesn't cease once out, but I have more "moments" of happiness if I pay close enough attention to them. Being in that type of relationship and knowing its abusive and bad is living hell. You need to protect yourself. Im glad you desire to heal. That's much the way I feel. I want to stop hurting which can cause me to feel that there is only one way out "death", but it's not death I really want. Deep down I simply want to experience LIFE and one worth living, yet The entire concept is so foreign to me, that in the midst of no abuse I end up abusing myself. Im glad your here. I hope and pray you are able to break free and really live. Welcome to the forums. You are not alone.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think God would care more about you escaping the influence of evil------That is, staying in an abusive marriage isn't the end all and be all. God wants us to rise above that evil of the world.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[intothelight]

@Arieanna Welcome to the forum and I hope you find it helpful. :)

 

[DreamLover]

I think God would care more about you escaping the influence of evil------That is, staying in an...

I agree. I cannot speak for God but I know for sure we are created in His image, and God does not want us to suffer. You taking care of yourself means leaving your abuser. You are not forsaking your marriage - your husband has already forsaken you by not treating you with respect and dignity. I'm so glad you are here and wish you courage and strength on your path forward.

 

[GrayOwl]

It's hard to break the cycle. You must never give up hope.
There are people and tools here that can help you. All journeys begin with the first step.
May you find the healing and direction you yearn for. Thank you for sharing.
Sending :hug:'s. I'll pray for better tomorrow's.
Praise google....lol:p.

 

[Toot]

Welcome! I am new here too and found it by googling "I just want to be dead". I have yet to write an introduction. I can relate to some of how you're feeling. I think we are both going to learn a lot by being here :hug:

 

[Enaila]

I agree. I cannot speak for God but I know for sure we are created in His image, and God does not wa...

I can't speak for God either, but I know I prayed fervently for a sign I couldn't miss that it was okay for me to leave the marriage and protect my children and myself. God answered my prayers by a police officer showing up at my school and telling me I had to go to the station to be interrogated for the theft of an industrial meat slicer from where I was working a second job and had keys to the building. It was scary being treated like I was guilty...I continue to have flashbacks and phobias to this day regarding police. Anyway, I had been sick with the flu and my "caring" husband has cleaned for me and stolen the meat slicer....a felony. What made me realize it was an answer to my prayers was 1. It happened within three days of my tearful prayers and 2. He stole the slicer from the CHURCH kitchen. He was arrested and in jail for three days. That gave me time to get support and a safe passage out. I know God wanted me to be safe and happy. Friends I hadn't seen in years showed up out of the blue to assist me. It was a new, though frightening beginning.